December 20, 2005
Helpful Hints for Coping with Bullshit
Did you think that, after posting that last sad whiny post, I was just going to leave you high and dry to contemplate your pity for me? No! Think again, compadres. Because here I have for you a list of my very own home-made tips for dealing with stressful crap!
When you're caught in traffic with really stupid people whose driving aggravates you and possibly even puts you in mortal danger, don't let it stress you out and cause you unwanted ulcers or IBS. Instead, change your mindset. Do what I do. Remind yourself that most people in the world are kind of dumb and that, therefore, they can't help driving like it. From now on, when you drive, pretend that all the other cars are cows. Ooh, look out - that cow just ambled in front of you without signalling. Silly cows! No use honking or throwing the finger, because cows don't know what that means. So just turn up your radio and navigate your way around the cows until you're home.
2. Annoying haters
There are so many annoying haters in the world, whether they belong to the opposing political parties or your very own. You try to ignore them, but as your negative encounters with them stack up and up, the whole mass threatens to destroy your faith in humanity and tempts you to quit your job so you can become a vigilante full time. Instead of doing that, why not visualize all the haters soaking in the trash compactor from the movie Star Wars? You, Luke Skywalker, will get out of the compactor okay, with the help of your little droid friends. The haters, however, will be smashed in stinky liquid with a slimy, one-eyed squid. So smile, and go on living well.
3. Not passing it on
When people are rude to you or circumstances stress you out, try very, very hard not to take it out on others. However, if you do end up accidentally taking it out on others, remind yourself that the universe craves balance, and that now you've done your part.
4. Stupid jerks who seek to ruin your life, no matter how much it's hurting their own kids
Don't wish for anyone to die, because that's evil. That's bad karma, okay? Instead, simply imagine these people disappearing into the ether. Only imagine that for a few moments at a time, too, because it's not going to happen, anyway, and you don't want to go crazy fantasizing about stuff that won't ever happen. When your kids ask why these people are the way they are, tell them, "These people love you so much, it has made them go insane." That way, you're not telling your kids that their fathers are jerks, and you're boosting your kids' self-esteem at the very same time!
5. Heavy workloads
Do your work instead of watching TV. I know it sucks, but the faster you do it, the sooner you can quit worrying about it. Most importantly: Never, ever begin a World of Warcraft habit. Already started playing it? Well, too bad, then. There's no hope for you.