September 13 - Wednesday

"Oh, Mama, I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law! Hangman is coming down from the gallows and I don't have very long!"

That song's stuck in my head. Sorry, but I have to ask -- is Styx Canadian?

Something I've noticed about myself is that I'm really bitchy when it comes to advice. When people give me unsolicited advice, I take it as a personal insult.

"I can't believe she's telling me how to make enchiladas," I say. "What -- does she think I'm STUPID? Does she think I somehow grew up WITHOUT learning to make enchiladas? Is she trying to say I don't MAKE THEM RIGHT?" Even when I ask people for advice, I'm picky about the way they give it to me.

The Wrong Way to Give Gwen Advice:
Gwen: Okay, we're coming to the light. Which way do I go to get to the Wonka chocolate factory?
Advisor: Well, first you wanna slow down, because you're going to turn. Take your foot off the gas a little. Then you wanna signal. Now check behind you and make sure there's no one in your blind spot on either side...
Gwen: LEFT or RIGHT? WHICH FUCKING WAY DO I TURN?

Another Wrong Way to Do It:
Gwen: Hey, which key do I press to blur out the pimples on this picture in Photoshop?
Advisor: You press... oh, here. Let me do it for you. Move.
Gwen: JUST TELL ME THE FREAKING KEY. What do you think I am? STUPID?

I Probably Wouldn't Do It This Way, Either:
Gwen: When I was eight, I burned my hand real bad and I put butter on the burn, but it scarred anyway.
Advisor: Gwen! You should never put butter on burns! That's just an old wives' tale! Always rinse your burns in cool water! Here... let me send you some literature from the burn ward at St. Joseph's hospital...
Gwen: Um, HELLO! I KNOW you don't put butter on burns! I'm TRYING to tell a STORY about something that happened when I was EIGHT YEARS OLD! What do you think, that I'm SO FREAKING STUPID that I'm practicing the SAME STUPID FIRST-AID TECHNIQUES I practiced when I was EIGHT YEARS OLD? DAMN! QUIT PATRONIZING ME! You must think I'm STUPID OR SOMETHING! SHIT!

Don't Ever Do It This Way:
Gwen: I'm gonna make some enchiladas tonight.
Advisor: Oh, want me to tell you how to make them?
Gwen: AARGH! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK!

I'm Just Saying:
Gwen: Oops. I just tried to light the pilot light on my stove and burned my house down.
Advisor: Oh, that's awful. I suppose that in the future you'll remember that it's not always a good idea to turn on the gas, go check your email, and then come back to light the pilot with a twisted paper towel and a lighter.
Gwen: Oh, yeah. Thanks a LOT. Too bad you couldn't come up with that little gem an HOUR ago. Thanks for NOTHING. Yeah, thanks for your GOOD ADVICE, solicited when I DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE. What -- I'm supposed to be PSYCHIC? GET OUT OF MY BURNED UP HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK!

The Best Way to Give Gwen Advice:
Gwen: Which do you like best -- the blue, or the green?
Advisor: Oh, hold on a sec... I think my house is on fire. [leaves, never comes back]
Gwen: Oh, well. He probably would've said something stupid, anyway.

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