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April 1 - Thursday [There is no April Fool's joke in this entry.] Okay, so I lied. I'm back before April 2nd. But I had to come
back! I have something really important to tell y'all: Here's what I really wanted to tell y'all, though: If I Had A Mall My mall would have to be extremely huge. It would have three or four stories and encompass several buildings, not unlike the Galleria in Houston. However, my mall would be way better. Stores my mall would NOT have:
My mall would have Stuart's, because it's the only store I've ever seen that sells trendy cheap stuff in sizes above 14. It might have Lane Bryant. More likely, though, it'd have a new store called Lane Bryant Clearance Racks. My mall would have a store that sold a bunch of games and posters and weird decorations and stuff, but it'd be NOTHING like Spencer's. It wouldn't be the place where all the teens go to buy things featuring pictures of breasts and butts. It'd have the lava lamps and stuff, but also cool postcards and obscure videos and Powerpuff Girl notebooks. Etcetera. Of course my mall would have one of those tiny shops crammed with jewelry and barettes, but it'd be run by someone from the fleamarket, so nothing would cost more than $2. Right next to that, there'd be a Dollar Tree, or a No For Real Everything Really Is Only 99 Cents store. Okay, so I'm just cheap, but let's throw in a used bookstore, a used cd store, and a thrift shop. What the heck. But don't think the whole place would be seedy. Coz it wouldn't. There'd be classy places, too. I can't think of the names of any of them at the moment, but they'd be there. Oh, like a MAC store. And Nordstrom's. And a Spiegel outlet. The absolute coolest thing about my mall would be that it'd be PRIVATE. I'm not saying you'd have to show an invitation at the door, but you would have to be cool. I would let anyone in the mall once. However, any person who was rude or noisy or gross or mean would have to leave immediately and never come back. That includes shoppers and employees. If you're a teen who wears all black and does eye-rolls to housewives, you're not welcome. If you bump into people without saying "Excuse me," then you can't come. If you and your friends stand around blocking the aisles while setting up play dates and complaining that your SUVs are already a year old, then get the hell out and never come back. Another cool thing about my mall -- it'd be open 24 hours a day, Wednesday through Sunday, except on certain holidays. (We'd shut in down for major cleaning and re-stocking Mondays and Tuesdays.) Why, you ask, would the mall need to be open all the time? Well, I'll tell you. Because at night -- every night after nine -- it'd be ROLLER SKATE TIME. You could come to the mall, rent skates, and rollerskate down the halls all night long. (But remember that if you bumped into anyone, you'd still have to say "Excuse me.") And there'd be cool roller-skating songs playing at that time, such as "New Moon On Monday", "Cars", "Big Country", and "Melt With You." But don't worry. It wouldn't be playing so loudly as to irritate the people trying to converse or do percentage markdowns in their heads. Also, the movie theatre would show fresh/cool/bad-ass movies all night long, for like $5 per person per night. And the concession stands wouldn't be expensive, either. And the restrooms would be clean, coz people who didn't flush or who peed on the lids would set off beam-sensor-triggered alarms and be thrown out on their unsanitary asses before they could germ-up the doorknobs any more than they already had. My mall would also have a super-fresh, full service salon. All the
stylists, manicurists, pedicurists, makeup artists, masseurs, piercers, and
seaweed-wrap specialists would be fully screened before being hired to make
SURE that no patron would ever walk out with a fake smile on his/her face and a
breaking heart. And the staff would be paid wages along with their service
fees, so the haircuts wouldn't cost too much and the shampoo people wouldn't
have to shill conditioner to make ends meet. There would NOT be a coffee place. Gack. There'd be a place that sold food and drinks, including coffee. Maybe ONE kind of espresso and ONE kind of cappucino. Maybe. But no flaky crap. Just decent all-night food and good prices. Like the Cafe Brazil in Dallas. I love that place. Lastly (for now,) and most importantly, my mall would rock
extra hard because it would have a daycare center, staffed by
rigorously-screened, certified child-care professionals. There'd be a small
fee, a two-hour limit, and simple security precautions, not unlike those at
World Gym's daycare center. I'm getting all misted up just thinking about it. I would love to go to my dream mall. I wish I was there right now. I really want to get my hair cut, to try to repair some of the damage done by the insanely horrible cut I got at Walmart's salon a few weeks ago. I'd also love to go to the movies alone, because that way I could see whatever cheesefest I wanted without having to hear my spouse carping about it. Also, I'd really, REALLY enjoy being able to just TRY ON A FREAKING NEW BRA OR TWO without having, at the same time, to keep one kid from poking himself with the pins he found on the floor, or to keep the other kid from crawling out of the fitting room by holding him back with my foot. Man, that would be so nice. Somebody read this and build my mall soon, okay? |