I'll be reading Growing Up with Tamales for story time at Blue Willow Bookshop, in Houston, on Thursday morning, May 15. Tell everyone you know with kids in the Houston area. How do you find and support local indie book stores like Blue Willow? By going to Booksense.
On Saturday, May 17, I'll be in Dallas, reading and signing at the J. Erik Jonsson Central Library, for the 13th Dallas Children’s Book Fair & Literary Festival.
On June 22, here in Houston, I'm going to do a poetry workshop. It's free and open to the public, y'all, and they're having one every Sunday in June, taught by local poets I love and respect. So come on down.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Now I have to go back and delete everything cute I've ever said about my cats. And maybe get them baptized.Starbuck (girl cat) customarily sleeps at the foot of my bed. There's a little patch of cat hair there to prove it. But I don't mind because she's really good about keeping out of the way of my feet, and she stays quiet.
Toby (new boy cat) did mind, though. Every night, almost, he's been coming into the bedroom and whining at Starbuck. He wanted her to go with him into the living room with him. He wanted to play. Sometimes, he'd even jump up on the bed and get all up in her Kool-Aid, meowing in her face. Then they'd fight. Then I'd kick them out of the room.
That was a semi-regular occurrence, until last night.
Last night, I woke up to the sound of Toby quietly yowling. I opened my eyes and looked down at the foot of the bed. There were Toby and Starbuck...
[If you have kids reading, cover their eyes now.]
...having cat sex on my bed. Trying to have cat sex, I should say. They're both fixed. But that didn't stop them from enjoying themselves last night. I swear, I opened my eyes and it was like a freaking porn set, right there in front of me. Toby was like, "Starbuck, baby, you're so hot..." Starbuck was like, "Oh, yeah, Toby, give it to me! Pretend you're not neutered and give it to me right!"
"You dirty little cats!" I yelled, and I pushed them off the bed with my foot. Prudish, I know, but I couldn't help it. I was still half asleep and therefore susceptible to old Catholic learnings.
And now there's an opportunity for, oh, so many punchlines:
1. "I learned it by watching you, Mom!" said Starbuck.
2. "I thought this was where we were supposed to do it," said Toby.
3. "Genitally mutilated cats need love, too!" said Starbuck.
4. "Don't look at us like that! We are not a monster!" said Toby.
5. "It's spring time!" said Starbuck.
6. "Don't be jealous, baby -- it didn't mean anything!" said Toby.
7. "Don't worry -- we're both fixed!" said Starbuck.
8. "Isn't this why you hired me?" said Toby.
9. "Quit staring, you pervert!" said Starbuck.
And... yeah. It could go on and on. Because I'm trying to make light of the situation, here. Because I am so completely traumatized. Oh my gosh. I mean, yes, I did hope that Toby and Starbuck would fall in love. But platonically! In a cute, innocent way! Like those Precious Moments figurines! You know?
Wait, what? Those Precious Moments figurines...? Oh god, no.
Next episode: Shot gun cat wedding at my house. Because, as Marge Simpson knows, you can't have your pets living in sin.
Labels: cats
6:12 AM #Comments:
It's not just your cats. All of our cats were always fixed, and we had two (boy and girl) who WOULD NOT STOP WITH THE FAUX CAT SEX. Like, FOR THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. Sadly, they're both dead now, but it took terminal illness for them to quit the dry-humping.Trust me, you get used to it. I guess you could try squirting them with water every time, but we were never able to put a stop to the unseemly behavior.
If anyone needs proof that sex drive isn't just a function of gonads, this is it.
# posted by
Katherine : 9:29 AM
Oh god, I'm so glad I'm not alone. My cats just started trying to fuck each other too.
And I don't mean "cat sex", I mean "neck-biting fucking." In a abstract way I'm very jealous.
# posted by
Mike : 9:44 AM
Ha. Ours were doing what you said, too, but I was trying to keep it clean, buddy.
Dude, I can't believe your cats are doing it already! You've had them together for less time than mine. Valentine is a fast operator, huh?
# posted by
Gwen : 9:50 AM
What is it with pets having to this kind of stuff right next to you? My dog used to deliberately lay next to you and, you know, openly masturbate until you kicked him.
"It's Springtime!" I love that.
# posted by
JL : 9:54 AM
I've walked in on my fiance's neutered outdoor cat seeing to my future mother-in-law's unspayed indoor cat many times, but so far I haven't woken up to it. On my bed. Does this mean it's only a matter of time?
Now you've got me waiting for shotgun cat wedding photos. With little top hats and veils and bouquets. And presumably, some sort of fish-flavoured wedding cake.
# posted by
pudding-monkey : 9:54 AM
You ain't kiddin'! She's a prodigy, let me tell you.
Actually it probably has something to do with the fact that she was sick in the first month we had her, so we couldn't get her fixed. Thankfully Bigelow has had his work done, so no good will come of his efforts.
He doesn't seem to mind the futility, though. I've never seen him more chipper.
# posted by
Mike : 10:16 AM
There seriously must be something in the air. I was just reading this on Ask Metafilter yesterday. At least you're not alone. And at least you're not the person who woke up to the cat humping their hand.
# posted by
Ms Molly : 10:22 AM
JL: They're all exhibitionists!
Pudding M: Maybe. Or maybe they've tried your bed and decided they didn't like it.
Cat wedding: That would be funny. Maybe we should do it. It'd be an excuse for a party..
Mike: Funny! Yeah, this morning Starbuck was all purr-o-rama and in an abnormally good mood (for her). I was like "TMI, you guys."
Ms Molly: That thread was so freaking funny! The obese, humping, drooling cat was my fave.
# posted by
Gwen : 10:57 AM
ewww! I'm traumatized too!
Of course, my spayed female dog always tries to do the nasty with with my son's leg. And here I always thought she was a lesbian because she always sniffs my freind's crotch. I guess she's bi.
# posted by
: 11:24 AM
Was there cat-style pron music playing? You know: "meow-chicka meow meoooww..."
# posted by
Lynn : 7:17 PM
So my girl dog was in the habit of humping my boy dog (both fixed) but it stopped for a while. Until tonight when it started again. Sigh ... it must be spring.
Nonetheless, your story made me laugh out loud.
- Moira
# posted by
: 9:27 PM
LORD HAVE MERCY!! The mental picture is just too much! LOL! How hilarious!
# posted by
ShoeGirl : 11:26 PM
That thread was hysterical!
My neutered cat has only ever attempted the lovin' once...on another male cat. He hates females. My male hedgehog doesn't seem to care about my female but instead he, uh...takes care of things himself. Sometimes when company is over.
# posted by
pudding-monkey : 8:53 AM
"And get them baptized." Ha!
Shoegirl told me I needed to come check you out but now that I'm here I realize I've already been reading you.
Small world.
# posted by
Jenny, the Bloggess : 1:40 PM
I am sorry to hear that you have moved to the hell that I live in every day, with the nighttime yowling and neutered cat sex and OH GOD MY EYES.
Once, my husband and I were making out under the blankets and felt a weird scrabbling on top of us. I peeked out to see the little furry jerks going at it RIGHT THERE. Needless to say, they were unceremoniously banned from the bedroom for awhile.
In a way it makes me feel a little less guilty for neutering them, though. As long as they don't do it around me, I'm happy they're having fun, I guess. I definitely discourage the doing it in front of people though; that's just not classy.
# posted by
Jen : 7:09 PM
We are so not getting another cat now. Yuck.
# posted by
greenish : 10:07 PM
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