May 3, Houston: The big one -- the Inprint reading -- occurs at the Alley Theatre on Monday, May 3. Do not miss it or you'll be sorry. I'm not kidding -- I'm going to say the craziest, most intellectual yet hilarious stuff I can think of, and I'll be sharing the stage with the ultra sexy Oscar Casares, too.
June 24, Houston: I'm one of the peeps scheduled to read at Poison Pen, at Houston's famous Poison Girl bar. Besides me, everyone there will be ultra, *super* sexy. Come see me and drink!
June 26, Washington, DC: I'll be reading at the American Library Association conference. Come on down.
My other blog: Go read my the Houston Chronicle parenting blog (or my ChronMomBlog, as I like to call it) and make sure my kids won't resent me more than other kids resent their own parents.
Buy my new novel, Lone Star Legend. Already did? Well, buy a few more for your friends, then. :)
Monday, March 03, 2008
I should have trusted my instincts.I said that McDonald's wouldn't be able to compete with Starbucks, and I should have believed myself. But they sent me a coupon for a free "premium iced coffee," so I thought I'd give it a shot.
At McDonald's, iced coffee means pre-sweetened latte. The drive-through guy asked if I wanted hazelnut or vanilla. I said, "Can I get it with just Splenda?" He said, "Yeah. Hazelnut, vanilla, or regular?" I said regular, with two Splendas.
They gave me a latte with I-don't-know-what-kind of dairy product, obviously presweetened and then with two Splendas thrown on top. Annoying. Now I can resume my practice of avoiding McDonald's entirely, though.
Uncharitable thought of the day: I told my boyfriend, afterwards, that the McDonald's "premium iced coffees" are for people who can't afford Starbucks and don't know what espresso is, but want to pretend they're drinking it, too. I predicted that, soon, McD's drive-through customers will order like this, "Two Big Macs and two vanilla Starbuckses." And McDonald's will serve them that, and Starbucks' market dominance will be complete.
Yes, I know that Starbucks is for middle-class people who don't know what real espresso is. And that's okay -- I'm fine being that.
A sad, sad, sad, sad thing about my life.
A million years ago, when people were first going from "newsgroups" to "bulletin boards," I used to hang out on a bulletin board called Mediarama, hosted by writer Daniel Drennan. And I used to love the living shit out of Mediarama and most of its posters.
While at Mediarama, I began to create web content, myself. Then, one day, I left Mediarama. Since then, I've tried various online forums and even started my own, but never found anything as good, smart, or fun. And, before you say it, I'm more than willing to admit that it's me who's changed, and not the Internets.
"Forums" have become blog-comment threads, for the most part. All the names for things change, but it's all still people trying to hang out online, trying to find others they want to virtually get to know. Less and less frequently, I try to find an online hang-out. More and more frequently, I find myself bored with the repetitive interactions and personality types. And then I get disappointed. And then I sigh and feel sorry for myself.
The pattern I find lately, on boards that attract me, is that there's a good mix of straight guys, gay guys, and straight women, most of whom I assume are white -- maybe with a few non-white people clearly identified either by their names or constant reminders in their posts.
What always starts to turn me off (other than the possibly imaginary pressure to identify my ethnicity) is the way the straight chicks will fawn over the straight guys. Eventually, so many boards devolve into the female characters competing to sound sexy for the straight male characters. (Who knows what these people are in real life? Maybe they're all neutered cats and dogs.)
I don't know where other women like me go -- women who like to talk to men and maybe sometimes like to joke about sex, but who don't want to participate in a cyber-sex contest. And don't want to talk about lip gloss or DHs. (Dear Hubbies. Barf. Just typing that makes me feel ill.)
This is not a request for suggestions. Please don't tell me to visit your favorite forum, because I'm a very negative, judgmental person and therefore I won't like it. But tell me your favorite forum if you want, keeping in mind that I'll never visit it. Then it should be okay -- no expectations or awkward excuse-making.
something different to do
Recently I've tried doing my rush-hour commute with my car windows open. At first it scared me a little, then I felt self-conscious, then I was puzzled as to how to deal with men who took open windows as a social invitation.
But now I like it. I like the breeze and the sun, and driving unenclosed makes me feel more human (like a herd animal, maybe?) and therefore, overall, less susceptible to road rage. Try it if your weather permits, and if your traffic is slow enough to keep the wind from messing up your hair.
A Puppet Show
Prudencia is a weathered wooden puppet in a checkered smock, with tangled orange vines on its head.
Hortensia is a big clay puppet made up of purple balls.
Griseld is a wiry leaning puppet all swathed in olive drab.
Prudencia and Hortensia are bobbing around two pyramids of fruit.
Prudencia: What is this you say? You're taking three of my apples?
Hortensia: I say that you can have three oranges!
Prudencia: Did you say that you're taking three of my apples for Griseld?
Hortensia: Did you say that Griseld is taking your apples?
Both: Yes!
Hortensia bobs away. Prudencia does a monologue.
Prudencia: For too long has Griseld coveted my fruit. This is the last straw!
Griseld comes onstage with a single leaf.
Griseld: Prudencia, have you seen the Anderson file?
Prudencia: Oh, I'll teach you to covet, little monster!
Griseld: Uh, what?
Prudencia: Oh, I'll smile sweet, as sweet as the fruit you covet. But soon you shall know the bitterness at the heart of it!
Griseld: Um. Okay.
Curtain closes. Curtain opens. Griseld and Hortensia are standing near a pile of leaves and a single cube of glass.
Griseld: Prudencia, have you seen my Anderson file? Also, do you know who deleted our entire database.
Hortensia: No.
Griseld: Hmm. I guess I should ask Prudencia. You know, I don't think she likes me very much.
Hortensia: No! You're imagining that!
Griseld: She keeps saying weird things to me about peels and pith and paring knives. In a really creepy, passive-aggressive way, too.
Hortensia: Oh! That makes sense, then!
Griseld: What does?
Hortensia: The other day I told Prudencia that you wanted all her apples, and she said you had obviously been plotting against her from the start.
Griseld: What? Why did you say that? I don't want any of her apples!
Hortensia: You don't? Oh, well. Hey, can I have that leaf?
Griseld faces audience with tragicomic puppet expression.
Griseld: Jesus freaking Christ.
Curtain closes.
FIN.
Labels: pop culture, venting
12:03 PM #Comments:
Dear Hubbies?Ew.
# posted by
Jane G. : 7:15 PM
1. Just this weekend my son begged to go to McDonalds to try the new Iced Mocha! It made my eyes cross and I ordered an apple turnover to make up for it. *sigh* I dont think McDonalds is doing it for people who cant afford Starbucks tho. I think they are doing it to grab all the soccor/suv driving Moms who circle drivethrus daily. They want to make it so that they dont go through the Starbucks line ALSO, it will be a one stop shop if you will.
It wont work. It cant.
*shudder*
2. I dont have any favorite forums anymore. I grew disenchanted. period.
3. Jesus H. Freakin Christ. that was powerful, you think that should be a circulated memo? *snort*
# posted by
Pixielyn : 7:16 PM
I post on one board that's local now. I read some, but don't post. Nothing ever replaced Mediarama. However, your board was fun when Floosie ruled the world! ;-)
# posted by
shelly : 8:16 PM
Jane: I dare you do a Google search for "Dear Hubby."
Pixie: That's a good point -- the one-stop drive-through. And it's good to know I'm not the only disenchanted one. Sigh.
3. Did you like my weird Italian operetta puppets? I'm very constrained as far as certain topics go. Y'all know this. I should just delete that stuff, but... whatever. Prudencia would never see herself in it, anyway.
Shelly: You know what Floosie line I think of all the time -- seriously at least once a day?
"shock::shock::shock!!!1!!"
# posted by
Gwen : 8:43 PM
About the only forum I ever read regularly is off a site for runners. I was checking back there again the other day and noticed they had a new category in the forum, one for "Clydesdale" and "Athena" runners. That means big runners. "Big" meaning over 140 for females, hahahah. Anyway, at first I was pleased to see it, and then I felt weird about it because, sure enough, the first thread I picked evolved into "fat" people worrying about what "skinny" people thought of them while running. People were saying things I had never even thought of before and I don't want to start worrying about! It was interesting, but sad as well.
Some people were saying how they're so pleased when they can pass a skinny person running and feel superior. Then a skinny person was complaining that she/he would always wonder if a heavy runner was laughing at them because they're slower... Anyway... Overall, it just made me feel a little bad after reading it.
What's my point? Don't know.
:)
# posted by
: 7:52 AM
I popped through the drive-thru at Tuscan Sun, the new place by the Kolache Factory, and OMIGOD. Their coffee kicks serious ass. Mind you, I got the mild coffee with a couple of creamers, but it was, bar none, the best coffee I've ever had that I didn't make myself.
Also, I need to stop reading your blog before I've drunk said coffee. It took me a minute to realize what your Italian puppets were doing... I'm an embarrassment...
# posted by
: 8:57 AM
Keri: I'm glad you posted that, though. I actually kind of like "Clydesdale." Those horses are bad ass.
I feel bad for people who spend so much time worrying about how they look to others in that way. At the same time, I do it myself, sometimes, so I can't hate. But when I look at runners, they seem so enviably caught up in their own activity and endorphin rush. Maybe these people worried about skinnier/heavier runners just aren't running fast enough.
For some reason, when I work out, my bf and sometimes my kids like to sit on the couch and watch me. At first it makes me self-conscious, but then the endorphins kick in and I stop caring.
Jennifer: Really???
Me and Tad went there the other day to check it out, and I didn't like the lattes. (Also didn't like them when that place was Java Whatever, but they told me they were different management.) My bf didn't like the iced tea, either. He said it was flavorless. But I'll have to try the coffee -- they did say that was the product they were proudest of.
My fave places in our hood: Harris County Steakhouse (or whatever HCS means), that BBQ place on Telge/290, and Pho Tau Bay. Oh, and the nameless "Panaderia y Pasteleria" on 529 near Barker Cypress. And the Maytena bakery on 6 near Keith Harrow.
I *hate* Bad Ass Coffee, btw. Their new morning crew, at any rate.
Actually, I hate a lot of our restaurants. :(
We want to try the new sushi places springing up, but then again, no we don't because we're pessimistic about everything there now.
# posted by
Gwen : 9:27 AM
p.s. Gwen,
I'm in my first ever 15k race on Saturday morning! I've never run that far before! hah! 7 miles, but not 9.3... and never over 2 (2!) city bridges! Previously, I've only run 5k races.
(sidenote: a couple weekends ago, I was running in the rain and was carrying mace. I think there must've been some sort of residue on the carry strap. I'll just say it was a very good thing that I didn't wipe the water out of both eyes at the same time. Pepper spray really works. I was 4.5 miles into the run and was supposed to run for 6 that day. I was going to quit, but ended up continuing on while holding the right side of my face/squinting my eye shut with tears streaming out. I'm sure I was quite a sight :)
# posted by
: 10:59 AM
I was afraid you'd already tried it and weren't impressed. I seem to be really good at pointing out restaurants to you like that... (blush) I admit I've only had their coffee and cannot speak to their espresso drinks, but I will trust your judgment.
Where is Pho Tau Bay?
# posted by
: 11:08 AM
Anon (Keri?): Congratulations! What happens if you can't make it, the first time you do a longer marathon? Do you just walk the rest of the way? Stop and rest?
Jennifer: I still love you, though. Don't worry about it -- I'm just super, duper picky/food snobby.
Tau Bay (maybe spelled Tau Bai?) is on Barker at 529, across from where HEB used to be, next to that big sign for Apple Dentist or whatever. Next to a lame Cajun restaurant you don't have to bother with. As far as we're concerned, it's the only decent pho place in the area. They have branches in Bellaire, recently opened this one. I like their pho because it has more anise/cinnamon in the broth than most. But I usually eat the rice with charbroiled pork.
# posted by
Gwen : 1:24 PM
I did the "dear hubby" google search and the fourth result had to do with the fate of dear hubby's sperm.
And now I can't stop giggling.
# posted by
: 1:50 PM
"At McDonald's, iced coffee means pre-sweetened latte." I thought the same thing without even tasting it! Thanks for the "review." I'll trust my instincts too.
# posted by
ShoeGirl : 4:47 PM
Gwen-- oops, yep, that was me.
Yes, I'll walk it if I have to...if I have to drag myself over the finish line, I will :) I've been working with a 10 week training plan (just to finish,) so everything should be ok. I hope that by next year I can focus more on improving my time.
The hilarious (scary) part is that the finish line is in a football stadium and all finishers will be seen crossing by way of the Jumbo-Tron whatever-you-call-it screen up in the stadium. I'll almost be afraid to look at myself-- but I will anyway :)
I do plan on taking one minute walking breaks when necessary. Especially on the bridges. I've only been running a couple years and this is a big step for me! I'm starting to freak out a little. ack!
:)
# posted by
: 8:02 PM
Danny Drennan! Whatever happened to him?!
I used to love online forums (fora?) but I just can't relate to anyone on any of them anymore.
Of course now I am sleep deprived, my hands are chapped from washing breast pump parts, and there is only one topic of conversation in my house. But baby forums are even worse than the casual hang-out forums in my experience. DD, DS, DH - UGH UGH UGH. And the blinkies, god save me from the blinkies.
# posted by
pinky pinkerson : 10:59 PM
I only belong to two forums and they are both really small groups of women, and private.
But I've noticed that in the blog world (that sounded lame, didn't it?) that a male can have a blog in which the content is not very good, the writing sucks, the template sucks, etc. and he'll get like, fifty comments on every single post from women. I am so puzzled by this. Because really, I don't care if you have a dick or not, if your blog sucks, I'm not reading it. You know? I've also had women who regularly comment on my blog email me and say, "Oh! Randomman commented on your blog! OMG!" Like it's some PRIZE that a GUY comments.
It feels really, really high school to me and it bugs me so bad.
Don't get me wrong. I am no man-hater. I just think it's ridiculous how women fawn over men...as though men are somehow better.
Bugs me.
Also? McDonalds just plain sucks.
# posted by
That Chick Over There : 5:42 AM
OMG shelly, Floosie! A few long-dormant brain cells just kicked into gear remembering Floosie.
"Also, I need to stop reading your blog before I've drunk said coffee. It took me a minute to realize what your Italian puppets were doing... I'm an embarrassment..." I'm right there with ya. And I've had coffee and breakfast AND lunch. I started envisioning/reliving some odd Ontario public television program that never existed but that would have been broadcast from 2:12 pm to 2:18 pm. Plus, it would have been narrated by someone with a quasi-British accent.
Once I figured out what was going on, I reread it with much appreciation for the names you gave the puppets.
- maggie
# posted by
: 1:12 PM
Before forums, I can remember chatrooms from the early days of the internet, when it turned out that everyone was a big liar. When you wrote about the straight chicks fawning over the straight guys it made me think of it. I used to frequent one in the mid nineties so that I could talk online to my now husband. This was before ICQ or instant messenger. There were all these romances and online and real-life affairs polluting it. I was very young, so at first I was sort of drawn in by the drama, but then it turned out that some of the people were just making up identities. Like one woman who was supposedly a young widow with an infant later admitted privately that she was an unhappily married, middle aged Mormon with seven kids and a different first name. And another guy, engaged in a elaborate romance with a sarcastic older woman (I think her online name was ratgirl, of all things) turned out to be sort of nuts. He had gotten fired from his animal testing job because he took the drugs they were testing the animals with. Anyway. Apropos of nothing. I have never really liked the limited forums that I have participated on because I have found them to all have a weird sort of communal thinking that I can never get on board with.
McDonald's hot coffee was okay, I think, before they decided to pre-cream and pre-sweeten it. I've always found their iced coffee sort of gross.
# posted by
kate : 11:26 PM
I usually find McDonald's coffee to be rather laughable, and when they started this "Let US add the cream and sugar!!" campaign, I just rolled my eyes. I don't trust them to get my orders right when I order a McChicken without mayo . . .
Although, I do kinda like watching the weird sugar-pump machine. But that's like watching the cheese gun guy at James Coney island.
As for forums, I can't say I've run into this sex thing, but that could be because I lurk in religion forums. The conversations there are usually, "I believe in Jesus!!! Praise the Lord!!" "Yeah, well you suck because you believe in Jesus!!" "Yeah, well, you suck because you don't!!!!" *raspberry sounds all around*
# posted by
Rowen : 9:08 AM
Please DON'T visit Crown Princess Marie Chantal. No one wants you there. I thought you were so far up Wing Chun's ass, that her sites should be good enough for you. But even you are smart enough to realize TWOP sucks these days.
# posted by
: 4:49 PM
Keri: I don't think I could do it under those circumstances. Then again, I guess y'all would all look sweaty and tired together, so it's no big deal, huh?
Pinky: Apparently, he's doing Beirut Diary Online:
http://www.inquisitor.com/NYDiary/
And word re the mommy/baby forums. I can't hang with that stuff.
Maggie: Don't worry. It was purposely oblique. :)
Kate: Do you that the Internet makes this a requisite phase for 20-somethings (engaging in forum drama, I mean) or that it's only a phase for the Intenet, itself?
Rowen: Ew! The sugar gun sounds nasty-riffic. Now I have to see it. But why do you lurk at religious forums? For fun, occassional intelligent discussion? Both?
Princess Anon: Your comment surprised me -- I didn't think anyone remembered me on TWOP, much less was still jealous of me for it. :)
# posted by
Gwen : 9:28 AM
McDonald's does not make coffee. I did pick one up with a free coupon when they first started selling "gourmet" coffee and after one sip poured it out. My take on it is that with any new product the first issue they deal with is profitability, the second is whether it can be consistantly produced across the chain, the third is packaging - the quality of the offering is always far down on the list.
# posted by
ellen : 3:57 PM
Gwen--What did Floosie say? I don't even remember. it waz eggsausting typeing lke here!
Maggie!!! It's been a long time! Nice to hear from you!
# posted by
: 11:04 AM
Gwen, I've noticed the fawning at Gawker. I don't comment except once in a great blue moon, but there are the regulars, and many are very funny. If they are straight male, there are a handful of female regulars there that declare that "he's mine!" or some other such nonsense. Sometimes they'll even have an "argument" amongst themselves about it. Drives me nuts - it's off topic and sycophantic.
On a side note, re:anon's TWoP post... you really do get the crazies around here sometimes, huh?
# posted by
: 1:10 PM
Wow, go away for a while and miss good stuff.
"DH" -- actually, for really real triggers my gag reflex. I am so glad it's not just me.
I got an "iced latte" from Burger King once and, since I wasn't expecting anything terrific, I was pleasantly surprised. It was definitely sweet, though.
What's with that Crown Princess thing? Of course, I always went to MBTV/TWOP for the recaps and didn't hang out on the forums much.
# posted by
jam : 2:01 PM
Ellen: True. Unless it's a brand known for quality, I'd submit -- and then quality gets on the list at Number 4. Right? :)
Shelly: She literally said "shock::shock::shock!!!1!"
Annie: Lately it's been worse than just "he's mine." It's been like, "OMG, you guys, here is a picture of how my breasts look, which Other Girl can verify after our sleepover last night. Tee hee!" And just constantly. Have you been lately?
The crazies: Yeah. But they only come around sometimes, so it's still amusing when they do.
Jam: Haven't tried BK's yet. I never go there, for some reason. Hmm.
Crown Princess thing: I don't even know what that meant. I assumed the person meant a forum by that name, but I actually Googled and didn't find one.
Oh, that reminds me.. (Is anyone still reading this thread?) I recently got a couple of weird troll-seeming emails from people talking about MBTV/TWOP and pretending they thought I recapped different shows from the ones I actually recapped. Which was weird and pointless. I keep getting that lately -- obvious trolls who aren't very good at what they do. Maybe this Marie Chantal person is from that clique.
# posted by
Gwen : 9:34 PM
Gwen,
Like this? :)
http://gawker.com/commenter/the%20supergoddess/?start=36
# posted by
: 12:29 PM
Just like that. Although it's nice to see that you have to dig for the pandering, so at least it doesn't make up the majority of that character's posts.
Sometimes I want to get in the middle of one of those conversations and say, "No, pay attention to ME, men! I'll blow you all right now! Please like me and not the other women! Tell me I'm pretty! PLEEEEASE!!!"
# posted by
Gwen : 4:49 PM
Post a Comment
