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Check out this interview I did with Eric Ladau of Houston's NPR station, KUHF. Even though he made me talk about the intense stuff and edited out my long tangent about wanting to compete with L. Ron Hubbard with my own tamale-based religion, I had a lot of fun answering Mr. Ladau's questions. (Warning: The recording has 2 or 3 badwords. One of them is the F Word, too.)

I had fun reading at Blue Willow Bookshop. Everyone in Houston/Spring Branch area should check them out -- it's like the Brazos Books of the Far West Side. How do you find and support local indie book stores like Blue Willow? By going to Booksense.

On Saturday, May 17, I'll be in Dallas, reading and signing at the J. Erik Jonsson Central Library, for the 13th Dallas Children’s Book Fair & Literary Festival.

On June 22, here in Houston, I'm going to do a poetry workshop. It's free and open to the public, y'all, and they're having one every Sunday in June, taught by local poets I love and respect. So come on down.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Questions to Consider

1. Would you rather live in a world where looks don't matter, or live in a world where your looks embody the standard of beauty?

2. What's wrong with getting by on your looks? Is that somehow worse than getting by on your brains, your perseverence, or your good personality?

I think I'm okay with people getting by on their looks, as long as they're honest about it. And, more importantly, as long as the people choosing/hiring/electing the pretty people are honest about their motivation. Don't flirt with your pretty secretary all day and then tell me you're promoting her because she types real fast.

I think I'm also okay with people wishing to be beautiful enough to get by on their looks. Again, though, as long as they're honest. Don't pretend you're trying to eradicate lookism if, really, in your heart, you're just trying to browbeat people into giving you the same perks that pretty people get.

3. If you are a woman and you want your significant other to buy you something for Valentine's Day: Would you be as happy with your gift if you weren't allowed to show anyone or tell anyone about it?

I ask this because I remember that, in high school, I didn't hate Valentine's Day because none of the boys at my school bought me gifts. I hated it because all the girls at my school went around making note of who got gifts and who didn't. Now that I'm no longer surrounded by packs of immature girls, I don't need gifts for Valentine's Day. And I realize that the whole thing was just more of the bullshit insecurity contests that women put each other through.

4. What could a man possibly buy me that I wouldn't be just as glad to buy for myself?

Nothing. I have really good taste, actually, and therefore I prefer to buy jewelry, flowers, and candy for myself.
:)

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6:59 PM #

Comments:

 Gwen, a really interesting book on looks that I enjoyed is Virginia Postrel's THE SUBSTANCE OF STYLE. It's a fun and very smart read.


# posted by Blogger jackie : 9:13 PM  

 Well, looks do matter. It's all well and good to say they don't, right up until you get asked out by someone who just doesn't appeal to you. Fortunately, there's a pretty broad range of tastes in the population as a whole.

Also, I don't have any interest in getting Valentine's Day gifts either. That would just mean having to reciprocate by trying to figure out what would be a good V-Day gift for my husband, and that is a pain in the ass.


# posted by Blogger Katherine : 10:29 PM  

 1. I guess, ideally, a world where looks don't matter? Because if looks really didn't matter, they wouldn't matter to any of us, right? That would be a bit of a relief. Maybe just a world where *I* truly don't care?

2. I'm with you -- if everyone involved is honest about it, no problem. BUT, does that mean it's inherently impossible to have an attractive secretary who types fast, that you flirt with because you find her attractive, and have a promotion *not* be about her attractiveness?

3. Yes. We really don't do much for Valentine's Day anyway. It isn't like we actually need Hallmark and Kay's Jewelers to remind us that we love each other. The older I get, the more I realize that society as a whole is a lot like middle school.

4. Nothing! (In fact, gift-giving around our house is usually like, "Hey, so what did I get you?")


# posted by Blogger jam : 7:53 AM  

 "What could a man possibly buy me that I wouldn't be just as glad to buy for myself? Nothing."

Perhaps true, but coldly logical, and somehow I think you don't really grasp the concept of Valentines Day. It is a day for sweethearts, and if no one is willing to give you a small gift or even take the time to pick out a special card which might convey their love or might make you laugh, then you don't really have a sweetheart. :(


# posted by Blogger MGK821ZA : 1:54 PM  

 I don't agree that that was the point of the question, though. Wouldn't a real sweetheart conveys his/her/its love and finds ways to make you laugh anyway, not just because he/she/it is *supposed* to on one particular day out of the year. I mean, making a special day out of it is fine, if both of the parties really want to make a special day out of it. But why not make a special day out of it on March 23rd or August 10th or, like, every third Friday or whatever floats your boats? I just personally get kind of icked out at the notion that you HAVE to make a big pink and red lacey deal out of this particular day or your love doesn't really count.


# posted by Blogger jam : 3:54 PM  

 1. I don't know.

2. Being honest about it mitigates most of the anger I might have about it.

3 & 4. The most romantic thing I have ever been given is a Styrofoam cup full of fried okra (mmm, fried okra). Context is everything and what other people think is irrelevant. That being said, I prefer to pick out my own jewelry, etc.


# posted by Blogger Jane G. : 7:47 PM  

 Jam, You don't really have to celebrate New Years Eve on that day either, but it just wouldn't seem quite the same on August 10 to me. If you are happy to reply to a question the next day at work about what you and your boyfriend/husband did for Valentines Day with the answer "Nothing.", then that's ok.
But if I did nothing for my wife it would seem to me that I was just taking her for granted, and it would seem as if she would be just a wife and not my sweetheart. Maybe Valentines Day is a little silly, but as Paul McCartney wrote:

"You'd Think That People Would Have Had Enough Of Silly Love Songs.
But I Look Around Me And I See It Isn't So.
Some People Wanna Fill The World With Silly Love Songs.
And What's Wrong With That?
I'd Like To Know, 'Cause Here I Go Again
I Love You, I Love You."


# posted by Blogger MGK821ZA : 9:03 PM  

 Jackie: I'm ordering it from the library, then.

Katherine: Right. You only want to sleep with people you find attractive. Gotcha. No argument from me, there.

Jam: I like your answer to #1, because it takes into account the very important fact that we can't control others. :)
Also, I like your other answers. And I do think it's totally possible to have sexy secretaries who type fast, enjoy flirting, and totally deserve their promotions.

Mgk2etc: If I don't really have a sweetheart, why is that worthy of the sad-face emoticon you put at the end of that sentence?

Jam again: Word!

Mgk8: You said "If you are happy to reply to a question the next day at work about what you and your boyfriend/husband did for Valentines Day with the answer 'Nothing.', then that's ok."

Then I'm okay. And you've made my point for me. I asked if you'd care as much about the gifts if you weren't worried about telling other people about them. I'm not worried. Why would I care about what people at work thought about my relationship? What could that possibly matter?

Did you buy your wife a wedding ring worth two months of your salary, too? To prove your love to her and everyone at your workplaces?

Free yourself of societal pressure. It's fun.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 9:21 PM  

 Here's a précis of the book, before you risk overdue fines for it!


# posted by Blogger jackie : 9:24 PM  

 For the record, I bought my boyfriend two boxes of his favorite candy. (Ferrar Roche, or however it's spelled.)

He promised me a t-bone steak for dinner, but then surprised me by showing up at my office this morning with a pot of red tulips. (Replantable! My favorite!)

And, guess what? I knew he loved me yesterday. And the week before. And I don't care whether anyone else has proof of that or not. And I still have the same opinion of everyone at my workplace, whether they got flowers today or not.

I got my kids candy, too. But I didn't get the cats anything. :(
But I told them that I loved them, and I'm pretty sure they believe me. :)


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 9:28 PM  

 What I like best about Valentine's Day? All the candy that is 75% off on February 15th.


# posted by Blogger jam : 8:10 AM  

 1. A world where looks didnt matter would ideally be more relaxing and I wouldnt be self conscience 99.9999? of my waking hours. But then I wouldnt care about the looks of ANYTHING like flowers or archetecture or shoes, Right? and that would make me less joyous. I think I would like a world where we cared about it a lot less.

2. People are rarely if ever honest about it. On either side of the equation.

3 Yes I would like it as much. I feel that at least a small gift on Valentines Day is appropriate. I make more out of it than most people because I love the whole idea. But I think it is a happy day to celebrate love and that includes love of family, kids and friends so I give a lot of people a small token of my affection on that day. We dont have enough celebrations that show affection and that is why I like Valentines Day. We dont mind eating a huge turkey meal on Thanksgiving, even tho we can eat all that overindulgant food any other day, we dont mind hiding 200 plastic eggs filled with candy and coin on Easter, eating ham and dressing up but we could do that any other day, so why should we be angered at the tradition of spreading a little EXTRA love on Valentines Day. Its not the only day you should be noticing and showing affection and showing gifts on your loved one, its a day to remember that the world was once not so free to let us choose who we want to show affection to.......

4 cards. I think half of a good present is a card that a partner picks out. Nothing makes me smile more than to see a card. I know that buying a card takes time and effort..and that shows caring.


# posted by Anonymous Pixielyn : 9:32 AM  

 O Gwen, so you do have a boyfriend, then no need to draw a sad face for you. And he did something special for you on Valentines Day, which is just what I said lovers should do for their sweetheart on that day. I rather suspect that for a woman, few things more powerfully broadcast the signal that someone thinks they are special than a pot of red flowers on their desk.

Do recall that song by Leslie Fiest called 1234 which appeared in the Apple Ipod commercial last year. The video on YouTube is kind of interesting, and most people like the song although some do not. For some reason I find the tune very catchy, and I sometimes sing the first line to my wife: "One, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more." She says I love you, and I say I love you too. So the song is a reminder for me to tell her more often that I love her, no matter what the date.

The song also has the line: "One, two, three, four, five, six, nine or ten. Money can't buy you back the love that that you had then." A card or gift on Valentines Day does not buy anyone's love, it just says that person is special to you, which is what love is all about, at least to me.


# posted by Blogger MGK821ZA : 10:45 AM  

 MGK8: I'm guessing, at this point, that you're a troll, and -- worst of all -- an unfunny, unclever one.

If you are actually mentally disabled in some way, then please excuse my mistake.

Either way, I have to ignore your comments from now on.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 10:58 AM  

 1. I think my ego would love to live in a world where I was the ideal for a little while, just to see what that would feel like. Overall, though, I would just like to live in a world with a broader spectrum of "ideal." I would like to say I'd want to live in a world where looks don't matter, but I think that something else would just move up to take it's place, like your face wouldn't matter, but your bank account would be paramount, or your IQ, or your birthday. There's always something.

2. I don't really have a problem with people getting by on their looks. I have problems with more qualified, talented people NOT getting a break because of their looks, or because of the competition's looks. I work in entertainment and I know this is the worst place to be if this bugs you, but I just hate seeing these incredibly talented, gifted, engaging actors constantly getting passed over for parts that they would just ROCK and they're given to vapid, talentless Jessica Alba types because they fit the "type." As you said, it isn't impossible to be pretty and talented, but that is not the case often times.

3. I hate Valentines, I generally ignore it regardless of if I'm in a relationship or not. It might be a time to spread extra love, but in my personal experience it's main goal is to make as many people feel guilty as possible, either because you don't come up with the perfect gift/ event/ sex/ or because you are single and therefore worthless.

So, I don't want anything to show the girls because if I have a boyfriend I know I have one and that he's awesome, I don't need to flash "proof" around.

I'm wierd, though. If I ever get engaged I don't even want an engagement ring.

4. There is nothing specific I need a man to buy me. At the same time, the gifts that make me the happiest are the stupid little things. One boyfriend baought me a pair of headphones for my desk. I'm sure they didn't cost more than $10 but I adored them because he gave them to me after I had mentioned that my other ones sucked at one point in a passing conversation that I didn't even remember.

But no, I'll get my own candy, jewelry, and flowers, thank you.


# posted by Anonymous Beth : 1:13 PM  

 1) To answer, I need to give background. I'm from Florida, live in Peru and am overweight. In Florida, I've been barked at, oinked at, and once met an internet guy for a date who said - 'You're fatter than I thought, this isn't going to work.'
In Peru, because I'm very white, blue-eyed and sort of blonde, I'm often told how pretty I am - and my husband (and a lot of other guys, judging by the whistles on the street) loves the size of my big butt.

So, I've gone from living where I was considered unattractive to living where I'm considered quite attractive. I can honestly say I'd rather it didn't make any difference - or at least made much less difference.

2) I don't think there's anything wrong with it, in theory, and yeah, just be honest about it. And never forget that you can't depend on looks - they can leave you in a heartbeat. It's never a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket, right?

3) Not that I particularly want anything, but yeah, I would still be happy with the gift. I think it has to do with being secure in the love. When you're younger and insecure, the gift is 'proof' that you're lovable. I'm old enough and have been through enough to know I'm lovable, and I also know that I am very loved. I don't need gifts as proof, and I don't need to prove it to anyone else.

4) Anything! I never shop for myself, I've got kids. :D My idea of treating myself is buying the good lunch meat at the deli.

We're not really gift-givers though - we bought a sofa/loveseat set yesterday, and decided that was our gift to each other. And that's pretty much how it always is - he needs a tool in November, we buy it, and i say, ok, that's your Xmas present. We don't really wait for holidays, we buy stuff when we need it or think about it.


# posted by Blogger Kelly : 1:43 AM  

 1. I know I live in a world where looks count, but really glad I don't live in Asian land where weight matters so much more. I feel like a beached whale when I'm there, mainly because I'm over 102.

2. I actually will honestly say I get by on my looks. I'm what you'd call "exotic" because I'm a mutt (or a child of mixed race) and people don't know what to think about me. So they say I'm exotic and I get a lot more by having that. And I've used it since I've learned it.

3. and 4. We don't do Valentine's day. We never really did and if we did, it was those presents you aren't supposed to talk about anyways.


# posted by Blogger Kim : 12:00 PM  

 I'm not sure how I'd answer Questions 1 and 2. But I've been thinking for a while now that it's kind of useless to tell kids that "looks don't matter." Looks SHOULDN'T matter, but the truth is that they DO, and maybe it just sets a person up for endless frustration if they keep trying to believe otherwise.

As for 3, your related story reminds me of Valentine's Day in Grade 9. There was this thing set up y the school where you could send people a flower, and of course this was THE status symbol/devastating rejection symbol both both the boys and the girls. Anyway, one of the popular girls ended up not getting any due to a mix-up and of course she was all upset and crying. I remember thinking, "do you really expect everyone to feel sorry for you? Some of us have never gotten a single flower, and it's never been due to a mistake." Valentine's Day can be a very cruel day, especially in high school.

Sorry for the too-long comment, yikes!


# posted by OpenID pudding-monkey : 1:40 PM  

 I like cards for Valentine's Day (or my birthday), especially cards that he takes the time to make himself (or really sweet letters). I'm not too picky about gifts in general. I do love buying gifts for other people but for myself I don't really care if anyone gets me anything.
The pot of tulips sounds really nice. It is nice that you have someone who loves you and wants to give you happy surprises.
Maybe that is the best Valentine's Day gift of all.


# posted by Anonymous Fluffy : 12:01 PM  

 Oh! These questions!

I just don't know. I'm fat and not very pretty and people like to tell me about it. So I guess I would have to say I would like for that to stop, if possible. However it's possible.

I don't know about getting by on your looks. I've never had that problem. I did read once about what Donald Trump's newest wife said when someone accused her of only being with Donald for the money and she was like, "He's only with me for my looks" and I, for whatever reason, thought that was cool.

I didn't get anything for Valentine's day and neither did my husband and I really didn't care. I never care. I work with a bunch of men so I don't have it rubbed in my face, at least.

But I know what you mean about High school. I remember that.


# posted by Blogger That Chick Over There : 8:34 AM  

 1. Er, how about a world where everyone is attractive, at least according to my own highly subjective but extremely broad and inclusive idea of attractiveness. Is it wrong to like looking at nice-looking people? If so, I can't help it.

2. The only time this bothers me is when the someone getting by on their looks is also a complete moronic asshole.

3. You bet. But all I ever want is chocolate, which doesn't have a whole lot of brag cachet. Before I met my husband, Valentine's Day always filled me with trepidation, because I anticipated getting some cheesy gift of bad jewelry or trashy lingerie or a single red rose from whomever I was seeing. I know it's supposed to be the thought that counts and I'm a bad person for saying what I'm about to say, but all these gifts ever did was make me embarrassed for both me and the guy. And highlight the fact that we needed to break up ASAP.


# posted by Blogger Doppelganger : 1:13 PM  

 1. Looks matter because they lead to better species survival. Looks also seem to correlate well to intelligence, in spite of the many jokes and disparaging stories about attractive people.

2. "Getting by" means people are rewarding you for something they think worth rewarding. I don't have a problem with that concept.

3. Yes, because my pleasure is largely in the knowledge that he gave it to me.

4. Anything that shows he knows me and cares about me, because again the pleasure is in what a gift means, not what it is.


# posted by Blogger Kai Jones : 1:22 PM  

 Jam: Word!! I went and bought more of it (hopefully the last indiscretion) last night. Big heart-shaped boxes of Russell Stover nastiness for $1.25 each.

Pixie: For number one, I was only thinking of people. But maybe, as you posit, beauty is beauty and you wouldn't be able to separate lookism and appreciation of art.
And I agree with you that the cultural rituals of Valentine's are fun. All the pink and red hearts, the candy, etc.

Beth: I applaud your honesty! And I agree with you, that something would always rise to take its place. Meanwhile... your job sounds like my personal hell. :)

Kelly: Thank you for your honesty! I was waiting for you to say that you wanted to be Peru-hot everywhere. And I think you're right about security in the relationship being a factor. I'm probably taking stuff for granted since I've been with the same guy for a few years. Maybe I really hoped for a gift the first year, and I've just repressed that memory...

Fluffy: It is the best. :)
Also: You sound like your parents raised you well.

Doppel: Ha. Your answer to #1 was awesome. Also, word to everything else you said. "Word!"

Kai: I don't disagree with you that looks matter in some things. You didn't answer the questions, though.
Hey, I see on your blog that you recently started a fight in someone else's blog comments. I love flame wars. Send us a link, won't you?


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 8:56 AM  

 1. If forced between the two, I, being vain, would rather embody the standard of beauty.

2. There's nothing wrong with getting by on your looks, although it does mean that at some point in time your looks will fade, and someone who is smarter, or more skilled then you will be standing right behind you, waiting for you to screw up.

Honestly, I'd like to see the standard of beauty be widened. I know a lot of people who try and tell me that they only like guys who are 6' tall, blonde, blue eyed, naturally smooth, lean, with a large dick. Said person then goes on to inform me that it's not their fault they only like this Adonis, because you can't change what you're into, right? To which I'd like to call shennanigans. It's like the show Ugly Betty. The average person doesn't find Betty to be ugly. She's just akward, and wears GLASSES *shock* and BRACES *shock*. But, in the show and in real life, America Ferrarra is a very attractive woman. However, when you've been staring at models and porn stars all day, you're view of what is good looking gets skewed.

Gay men get their ideals of beauty from porn and underwear models. Straight people seem to get it from fashion models. We need to start living in reality.


# posted by Blogger Rowen : 10:13 AM  

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