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I'll be reading Growing Up with Tamales for story time at Blue Willow Bookshop, in Houston, on Thursday morning, May 15. Tell everyone you know with kids in the Houston area. How do you find and support local indie book stores like Blue Willow? By going to Booksense.

On Saturday, May 17, I'll be in Dallas, reading and signing at the J. Erik Jonsson Central Library, for the 13th Dallas Children’s Book Fair & Literary Festival.

On June 22, here in Houston, I'm going to do a poetry workshop. It's free and open to the public, y'all, and they're having one every Sunday in June, taught by local poets I love and respect. So come on down.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Kat Konversations
for Diane G.

Note: For the following kitty dialogue, the cats' non-verbal communications will be in italics, and their meowed words will be in normal font. Most of their conversation is non-verbal. Luckily for y'all, I can understand and translate their language.

I.

Toby and Starbuck have finally signed a treaty and declared my bedroom to be neutral territory. Starbuck has, therefore, resumed her nightly occupation of the foot of my bed. So I'm lying in bed, recovering from the work day with a sexy domestic magazine, and Starbuck sees her opportunity to spend quality time with me. She does this by jumping onto the bed and lying on top of the next magazine on my list, a foot away from me. Mmm... magazine bed...

ENTER TOBY.

Toby: Are you on the bed? Should I get on the bed? Are we on the bed? Can I get on the bed?
Me: Hey, Toby-binky. Hey, Toby Tonka Truck. Get on the bed.
Starbuck: Oh, jeez. Whatever.
Toby: Hi! Here I am!

Toby steps on my magazine, hits me in the face with his head. His butt is all up in Starbuck's face.

Toby: I have a special offer for you today! You may pet me! A lot!

Toby wedges his entire body between me and Starbuck, falls onto the magazine I'm reading, head butts me again.

Starbuck: WTF? Seriously, WHAT the HELL?
Toby: [Looking into my eyes.] I love you! Do you love me? I love you! You love me! We're a happy... Pet me, please!
Starbuck: Oh, hell no. Eff this.
Me: Starbuck... Wait! Starbuck, we love you, too!

Starbuck jumps off the bed as bitchily as non-verbally possible, and leaves the room. Toby lets out a happy sigh. I remove cat hair from my lip gloss.

II.

It's night. I turn off all the lights in the house and retire to my room. This evening, there happens to be a child in my bed. (Scary movie, potential bad dreams.) The other kid is in his own room, lights out. Lights out in my bedroom. Next thing I know, Starbuck has appeared at the foot of my bed. She is curled up, head down. Ready to sleep. I'm glad, because at first I was worried that Toby was making her nocturnal again. But no. Here she is, and everything's quiet. I roll up in the piece of the blanket my child has allotted me, and close my eyes.

Fifteen minutes of silence. Then, the sound of cat claws clicking far away, across the dining room floor.

Toby: HELLO?

Silence. Then...

Toby: HELLO? IS ANYBODY THERE?
Me: [Calling toward dining room.] Toby! Go to sleep!
Toby What? Who was that? Man. This is, like, so weird. It's happening again. It turned dark, and suddenly no one's around. Why does this always happen? Where'd everybody go?
Me: [Trying not to wake up my kids.] Toby! Be quiet!
Toby: Oh, there's that chick again. Let me go see...

Toby enters the bedroom. I see his giant, half-white body glowing in the doorway.

Toby: HELLO? Hey, you guys! What are you doing? How come you're all in bed with your eyes closed?
Me: [Weakly.] Toby... Please... Shh-h-h...
Toby: Should I get in bed, too? Are you gonna pet me? No? Okay, well, I'll be in the living room if anybody wants me. Just let me know.
Starbuck: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Toby clicks back into living room.

Toby: Doo dee doo... Here I am, walking around alone. Mmm, cat food. Delish! People all over the world... join hands... start a love train... love train...
My child: Can't sleep... Mom! Ricky's wearing that ugly hat again and he's crying all over my outfit for school... zzz...
Me: Why does he only meow at night?
Starbuck: See? You see how I'm being all good here, and he's making noise? This is what I've been trying to tell you. He is bad, and I am good! You need to take him back to the shelter! Oh, damn! [Jumps up and runs from room.] He's eating all the cat food!

III.

Toby has PTSD. We know this now. At some point in his childhood, someone apparently abused him with household items. This is how we found out: I lying in bed, recovering from a long day of broking commercial insurance by flipping through a magazine and talking to my boyfriend on my cell. My cell was also charging at the time.

Me: And then I was like, whatever! And she was like, let me just email everybody as if they care! And I was like, well I will Reply All on that shit, and CC our boss, his wife, and my lawyer! That'll teach her to ask me if I followed up on Alan's file! I'm like, "You follow up on YOUR files, and I'll follow up on MY files, and you follow up on SHUT THE HELL UP." Not even to mention that she's trying to copy my hair color.
Tad: Uh huh.
Toby: Hi!
Me: Oh my God, can they please stop showing these kids from the Hills? Jesus! So anyway, remember I was telling you about that one time a long time ago when I saw that green skirt on sale and it was too small? Back when I was sixteen? And I was like, totally traumatized?
Tad: Uh huh.
Toby: Hi!! It's okay if you want to pet me now!

Toby falls onto my magazine, tearing the Heidi Montag page, and head butts me in the eye.

Me: Jesus, Toby. Toby's here. Oh, guess what. Toby and Starbuck didn't make any noise at all last night. Until 3:30 AM, when they started fighting under the bed. But they stopped at 4:30 AM, when I finally got up and sent them out of the bedroom. I think they're getting better, don't you?
Tad: Uh uh. Not really, no.

My elbow is falling asleep, so I turn from my stomach to my side, temporarily pausing my petting of Toby. As I turn, the charger cord connected to my cell brushes across Toby's ear.

Toby: Oh my God! It's happening again! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! THE VEE-CEES ARE IN THE TREES!

Toby jumps up, makes a warning motion as if to bite my hand.

Me: [Sitting up quickly, so that the charger cord pulls out of the phone.] What the fuck? Toby, what's wrong with you?

Toby grabs phone cord, starts feverishly biting it.

Tad: What happened?
Me: I don't know. Toby just freaked out. I think it was because I turned away from him to talk to you. Do you think he's jealous of you? Do you think he wants me all for himself? Do you think he's emotionally abusive, looking to get into a codependent relationship with me? Oh my god, why does this shit always happen to me? Why am I a magnet for...
Tad: He probably just got scared. You know how he's kind of jumpy.
Me: Maybe. Oh, shoot -- I need to charge my phone. I don't know why it keeps running out of charge so fast... It's not like I talk on it all the time or...

I reach over and take the charger plug from Toby. The cord brushes against his body.

Toby: JESUS CHRIST!

Toby jumps straight into the air, lands near Starbuck at the foot of the bed, and bites the air near her back.

Toby: [Jumping off bed.] Why? Why does the devil cord follow me???
Starbuck: Oh, for the love of...
Me: Oh. I think I know what's wrong with him now.
Tad: Baby, do you mind if I get off the phone and eat dinner now?
Me: Oh, I guess. I'll call you later, okay? [Hanging up, putting phone cord out of sight, turning to Toby.] Toby, come here, baby. Come here.

Warily, Toby jumps up on bed. I reach over to my nightstand and grab the cat brush that's there.

Me: Here, baby. Let me brush you.
Toby: [Jumping off bed, running out of room.] Not the cat brush! Not the CAT BRUSH! No means no! No-o-o-o!!!
Me: What is his deal?
Starbuck: Hell if I know. I told you, you never should have got him from the shelter.
Me: Oh, Starbuck. Come here.
Starbuck: Only if you're going to brush me. Otherwise, shut the hell up.

FIN.

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5:06 AM #

Comments:

 HEE. I literally laughed so hard at the part about the love train that quinoa fell out of my mouth. (I was, however, eating quinoa at the time. So it wasn't like a water-into-wine or spit-into-quinoa thing. Just thought I'd clarify.)


# posted by Anonymous Dani : 12:04 PM  

 Spit-into-quinoa being one of Our Savior's lesser known miracles, of course. I'm glad you clarified, exempting yourself from heresy...


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 12:57 PM  

 Poor Toby! It's no wonder he's so jumpy! Your dialogue between him and Starbuck cracked me up. I also love the way you refer to Toby as "Toby Tonka Truck!"


# posted by Blogger ShoeGirl : 1:26 PM  

 "Toby Binky Winky! Toby Tonka Truck - CHOO CHOO CHOO!"

Ha! I love it!

- D


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 1:41 PM  

 Hi! I came here via That Chick Over There, and I have to say that she was right. You are absolutely freaking hilarious. I cracked up reading this!!!! I can't wait to read more.


# posted by Blogger J : 7:24 AM  

 You know what I did not need yesterday? What I did not need was "Love Train" playing on an endless loop in my head. THAT is what I did not need.

Toby, my love for your big kitty self has been ever-so-slightly diminished.


# posted by Anonymous Jennifer : 8:32 AM  

 Shoegirl: Thanks. I like nicknames that are both fitting *and* rhythmically alliterative.

D: I think you're getting Tonka Trucks mixed up with Thomas the Tank Engine. And that's okay.

Hi, J. Thanks for coming over, and thank That Chick for recommending me. :)

Jennifer: That really is what he was singing, though. He must have learned it at the shelter...


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 9:10 AM  

 My cats sound exactly like that, so I feel your pain - except for the love train part. It's time to teach Toby a new song. Might I suggest Gimme All Your Lovin? It seems like it might fit.


# posted by Blogger Captain Steve : 9:55 AM  

 Why y'all hatin' on Love Train? I'm with Toby, love that song! That was my favourite part of this retelling of the Kat Konversations.
Oh, that and the VEE CEES ARE IN THE TREES part, too.

- maggie


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 9:09 PM  

 Popped over from That Chick's....you are a VERY funny lady!! Funny I tell ya. And your cats....I'd love to meet them!!


# posted by Blogger bermudabluez : 1:11 AM  

 Oooooh yay! A whole kitty blog post for me! I'm totally flattered.

Obtw: The trick to not having cats fight under the bed at night is to put the boxspring right on the floor.

I miss my kitty. I spent so much time trying to figure out what the hell she was thinking when she did her daily kitty things. She was my first pet and I had not yet learned that all cats are insane, but even when I did figure that out I still tried to read her little walnut brain. She was a perplexing, fascinating little beast. Sounds like yours are too.

Thanks for talking about the cats, Gwen.


# posted by Anonymous Diane G : 3:33 PM  

 I came over from "Chick's" blog and I'm so glad I did. That was hillarious!!! I used to have three cats and thought I was the only one who knew how to translate their thoughts and meows. Now I teach two year olds and found that my translation ability has extended to their looks as well (ie. "Yeah, like I'm coming over to you to get my diaper changed now just when I finally managed to get this shopping cart all to myself!"). It's a very useful skill.


# posted by Blogger Rachel : 8:13 AM  

 Cats are the original entertainment systems. My giant cat Boris sends his condolences to your giant cat Toby for his fear of inanimate objects. Boris is terrified of the vaccuum (the "No-No Noo-Noo" - thank you Teletubbies) and its bigger, louder cousin, the carpet shampooer (the "No-No-No Noo-Noo-Noo").


# posted by OpenID pudding-monkey : 1:48 PM  

 I've just brought a new puppy home, so I do know what you're going through - our adult dog completely disgusted with me for having brought this 'thing' into her home. Oh, the withering looks she gives!


Cats miawing at night - keep a squirt gun or water bottle beside your bed, and if he wakes you up, give him a little squirt without saying a word. Any other kind of attention just encourages the behaviour.


# posted by Blogger Kelly : 9:35 AM  

 Awesome. I too have a bitchy cat who flounces off in a slant-eared huff if the other cat attempts to occupy the same piece of furniture that she's on. And, yes, Other Cat wanders the halls wailing at night for no reason at all. I believe I might've fricasseed O.C. by now if I had any children.

There needs to be a website that aggregates and randomizes the internet's funniest kitty anthromorphization, for those long bleak days when nothing less will suffice for smile-cracking purposes. Throw this entry up there, and Sars' Roomba entry, and something with Pamie's Cal. I'd visit. I'd even click the banner ads.


# posted by Anonymous Michelle : 6:02 PM  

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