Gwen's blog

Current Events

May 3, Houston: The big one -- the Inprint reading -- occurs at the Alley Theatre on Monday, May 3. Do not miss it or you'll be sorry. I'm not kidding -- I'm going to say the craziest, most intellectual yet hilarious stuff I can think of, and I'll be sharing the stage with the ultra sexy Oscar Casares, too.

June 24, Houston: I'm one of the peeps scheduled to read at Poison Pen, at Houston's famous Poison Girl bar. Besides me, everyone there will be ultra, *super* sexy. Come see me and drink!

June 26, Washington, DC: I'll be reading at the American Library Association conference. Come on down.

My other blog: Go read my the Houston Chronicle parenting blog (or my ChronMomBlog, as I like to call it) and make sure my kids won't resent me more than other kids resent their own parents.

Buy my new novel, Lone Star Legend. Already did? Well, buy a few more for your friends, then. :)

Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Life Skills

When I was in third grade at Roosevelt Elementary School, we had a very good teacher named Mrs. Dorothea Terry. Ms. Terry taught us a lot of important things outside the normal, Houston Independent School District sanctioned curriculum. I remember that whenever she had to discuss anything delicate or sexual, such as the time we read Johnny Tremain and someone asked what castration meant, she would first say, "If any of you feel like you can't handle this subject matter -- like you might feel uncomfortable and that will make you giggle or whisper -- please feel free to go into the hall and I'll call you back when we're done discussing it." No one ever left the room, and everyone understood that laughing during such talks was a mark of immaturity.

She taught us how to be good audience members. We were planning a fieldtrip to see The Nutcracker, and so she showed us the proper way to applaud. And I'm sure the lesson encompassed more than that, but all I specifically remember is the clapping, all of us lightly striking our left palms with the fingers of our right hands.

***


Since graduating from public school, I've noticed that a lot of adults in Texas missed out by not spending third grade in Mrs. Terry's class. Whenever I give a reading at a community college, for instance, I notice that a lot of my audience has obviously never attended a reading before. Either they'll pointedly avoid making eye contact with me and the other speakers, or else they'll look at us with facial expressions I'm sure they wouldn't consciously make in other situations. Or they'll quietly talk to each other during the reading, as if they're at the movies, discussing people on a screen. Or, saddest, they'll laugh at something that's meant to be funny, but they'll cover their mouths, thinking they're not supposed to.

I've been to community colleges where the professors treat the students like disabled high school kids. If I'm reading and someone starts giggling and whispering in the back, I'll do exactly what our teachers used to do to us in elementary school. I'll say something like, "Am I interrupting your conversation? Should I pause so you guys can leave the room?"

And then, afterwards, these students' professors will apologize to me and say, "It's hard for them... They come from different backgrounds... They don't go to many readings..." As if any of that is an excuse for rudeness. And I'll feel sorry for those professors and wonder what they put up with in their classrooms every day.

Sometimes I'll speak to a class that's well enough behaved, but very inhibited. And I'll interrupt my own reading/seminar and tell the students that it's okay if they want to laugh, or gasp or scoff, because authors expect listener reactions. I'll tell them, during the question and answer session, that they can ask whatever they want, and not only questions that sound teacher-approved. Because we're all adults, and a reading is meant to be enjoyed. And then the students will loosen up, and we have fun.

And afterwards, their professors will tell me, "Wow, they really enjoyed your reading!" and that they're going to do a class on audience ettiquette, or on how to interview authors, and that they're going to take their classes to more readings in the future.

A lot of times I'll do a reading for one particular class that's reading my book, and then other classes who aren't reading my book will show up to my reading -- required attendance for credit. So, when I go to community colleges or high-school-age events, the first thing I like to ask is how many people in the room want to be writers. Usually, only one or two people will raise their hands. Then, I'll ask how many people are there against their will, and most of them will raise their hands.

In those cases, I shift from talking about my writing to talking about acheiving one's goals. And that's when I get a lot of questions from people who want to be DJs, nurses, entrepreneurs, and etc. And, the more I do these kinds of readings, the more strongly I feel that I have a personal mission. It is to let kids know that they're allowed to do stuff.

You know? Because that's the big undercurrent in all these situations I'm describing to you. I think that a lot of kids are raised with sentiments like, "You don't go to plays and readings. Only those people go to plays and readings. Therefore, I don't expect much of your behavior on the few occassions where you're forced to go to a play or a reading." And how easily does that attitude cloud one's whole life?

"I go to community college. Only those people go to the university."
"I don't want to be an artist. Only people like that get to be artists."
"I'm not going to speak up. Only people like her are supposed to speak up."

I look at Facebook and see all these kids from Choate and Marymount bleeting out their opinions of the presidential candidates, all sexist and misspelled and uninformed, and I wonder where the sexist, misspelled, uninformed comments from 5th Ward and East LA and Compton students are. You know? No, I don't wonder, actually. I know. They're frozen in those students' heads, because only those other kids are allowed to spew silliness, right?

I'm not trying to brag, but I'm a very popular speaker at local community colleges, and the audiences there enjoy the hell out of my readings. I enjoy talking to them, too. My favorite part is after the reading, because -- inevitably -- a few people will come up to me and say, "I really do want to be a writer, but I didn't want to say it earlier." Or, "I write all the time at home, but I didn't think that counted until you said so just now." And, even if I don't sell many books at those readings, I'm always glad I went.

A while back I went to read to a bunch of junior high girls at a local community center. We ended up talking not about my book, but about applying for high schools. We spent more than half an hour erasing misconceptions about who's allowed to apply for better public schools, who's allowed to ride the school bus, who's allowed to get on the Internet and look for information, who's allowed to be smart without worrying about fitting in, who's allowed to want a little more success than their parents had. We didn't talk about writing at all. (But, even so, at the end, someone came up and whispered to me that she wanted to be a writer.) And I was glad I went. If all I ever taught someone was that she was allowed to do a little more, that would be enough for me.

***


Every time I go to one of my son's junior high band recitals, I resent most of the other parents because they're very rude. They talk and yawn during the performance. Between pieces, they make insensitive remarks. The band teachers wear suits and dresses. Our kids wear tuxedo shirts, bow ties, and vests. I wear whatever I wore to work that day ("business"), but then half the parents are in shorts, flip-flops, undershirts, baseball caps. Their hair uncombed. Their teeth full of food.

I used to hate them, but now I just pity them. You know why? Because no one taught them better, because no one ever thought they'd grow up to go to plays or readings or even junior high recitals.

More than that, I pity them because their kids will go places that these parents won't. And their kids might keep things from them, might say things like, "No, I didn't invite my parents to see me play in Boston, because you know how they are. They never go to things like that. There's no use even trying to teach them how to behave."

But, then again, that might not be so bad. I'd rather have my kids do things that I'm too ignorant to understand than have them be afraid to do things, because I never told them they were allowed.

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12:05 PM #

Comments:

 omg, commenting two days in a row. anyway! as you have said many times, learning correct behavior is very important (remember the coffee shop vocabulary?). respecting others is very important. not excluding others (or youself) from high expectations and success is VERY IMPORTANT. i think that it's really great that you take the time that you do. i bet your kids are awesome audience members.


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 2:51 PM  

 Right, it's like a Cat's in the Cradle ending. The parents have low expectations of the kids and the kids later reciprocate.

I relate to this because for whatever reason, I am too often stuck thinking "Only people like THAT get to [make documentaries/publish poems/whatever]." Good for you for kicking that idea down at the school.


# posted by Blogger Marigoldie : 3:43 PM  

 I guess you should be prepared for the day when you call out someone for giggling or whispering during your readings, and they hit you back with, "I am sorry, I have Asperger's and sometimes commit socially inappropriate behavior."


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 3:47 PM  

 Gwen, I agree with you so much that my eyes might pop out of my head.

If never hear "They can't help it" as an excuse for why some person (child or adult) is rude, obnoxious, violent, criminal, or anything else that makes them other people's problems to deal with, it won't be too soon.


# posted by Anonymous Jackie Danicki : 3:48 PM  

 I could have written this. About my family. :(


# posted by Blogger That Chick Over There : 5:56 PM  

 The very sad thing is, if parents act and behave like this, what is going to keep the kids from doing it. I am also a band parent and have witnessed to rudest people. And sad to say, their kids are just like them.


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 9:26 AM  

 Anon (Smarticus?): Thanks. And YES! The coffee vocabulary! Same thing. Same feelings. It cracks me up that you remember that.

Marigoldie: Yeah! I keep thinking of that movie ("Billy Elliot"?) and how the dad became a mining scab in order to put Billy through dance school. Then, at the end, the dad goes to London to watch Billy dance. And I wondered how that actually would have went down in real life.

Anon 3:47: Good point. It's funny -- at first I took your tone to be sort of trollish, but I decided to let your post through anyway, since it does make a valid point. Then, I thought about it more, and it occurred to me that when my own Asperger's-having son can't contain himself in class, they invite him to leave the room. So, in a way, our elementary teachers had it right when they handled it that way, didn't they?

Jackie: Thanks. :) I think there's a really fine line to walk with the "bootstrap" political stance, you know? There are definitely things that poor people sometimes can't help, that put them at unfair disadvantage. But, at the same time, we all know that some liberals go overboard in the opposite direction, with the "noble savage" view and babying behavior towards anyone outside their own culture. And, in either direction, it annoys me, too.

That Chick: :(
Awareness is a good thing, though, right? Usually?
You know how, in literature, there's always the poor child who sees how tacky his family looks to rich people, and it pains him? (I'm thinking of Jane Austen and Alice Munro, right at the moment.) One the one hand, that child might be happier if he lived in ignorance of other people's opinions. On the other, understanding other people's perspectives is what eventually allows this child to move through society and effect change. Right?


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 9:44 AM  

 When students are talking in my class, I usually stop, stare and say in a very calm voice, "No Talking in the Cheap Seats."
It usually works.

Students in my courses have to write papers every other week. They started taking them more seriously when I asked them how many of them wanted to be lawyers and about 2/3s of the class raised their hands. Some of the best advice I ever got from a former lawyer friend is that the lawyers with the best win records are the best writers. Judges aren't going to waste their time reading long, poorly written arguments. Short, to the point and well written/easy to read arguments apparently made him incredibly successful in court.
Mostly, I appeal to their pocketbooks and they respond.


# posted by Blogger JTN : 11:40 AM  

 The awareness is a good thing, in a lot of ways. I think it helps me be the mother I always wished my mother was.

It's also hard, though. Just because now that I'm a grown-up (at least on paper), I have to deal with it all.


# posted by Blogger That Chick Over There : 7:14 PM  

 You are so awesome. I love your attitude towards learning and your ability to teach. And also, I admire your generous tolerance of those who don't have that ability and attitude. I am not so generous.

I wish I had a teacher like the one you described, and I wish all kids had etiquette training in third grade. That's a good age to learn and understand that sort of thing.


# posted by Blogger See Kay : 12:20 AM  

 Amen Gwen!!! Bravo! Once again you are so awesome. To go and share and teach and be an example. You are so freakin cool!!! And we were poorer than dirt and we went to plays, ate with silverware, talked with library inside voices at events and grew up informed because my Mom was good like that and it does make a difference in how you are taught. Its so important that you are willing to open yourself up like that at the readings to make others aware that there are opportunities and walking the talk instead of just talking the talk.
-Pixielyn.
And Marigoldie, I miss reading your blog, how can I read it again?


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 8:34 AM  

 Anon 9:26: I agree with you that rude parents usually beget rude kids. At the same time, I think the kids who stick with band and other artistic disciplines long-term can only do so if they learn discipline and ettiquette. So, the kids who succeed at the arts despite their parents are the ones destined to be alienated from their parents. You know?

I imagine the rude kids of rude parents are the ones who give up their instruments and don't go far. Not like your kid and mine. :)

JTN: I totally agree with your philosophy. There are very few careers worth going to college for that don't entail writing skills, or at least communication and persuasion skills. A lot of students tell me they're going to start their own businesses, and I ask them if they've written a business plan or a presentation to show investors. And they're like, "Oh. No. Hmm."

That Chick: I feel you. It is hard. That's why you're awesome for doing it, instead of just bailing. :)

See Kay: Thank you. I wish you'd seen how very intolerant I felt before I reached the Zen-esque peace of deciding to pity the other band parents. :)
Also, I wish I could order a Mrs. Terry for you. Waiter! Mrs. Terrys for everybody!

Pixie: Your mom rocks. And thanks for saying I walk the talk, because I try really hard to do that.
And I agree with you that Marigoldie's blog should be more easily accessible, like wind and sunlight. :)


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 9:00 AM  

 Oh man, Pixie & Gwen, I'm sorry my paranoia has interfered with blog ease. Pixie, if it's not too much to ask, you can read my new blog by getting a Wordpress username and then emailing it to me at marigoldieco@hotmail.com. Then I'll put you on my users list. Isn't that so obnoxious? I just didn't want to get Dooced. Gwen, you're already in, right?


# posted by Blogger Marigoldie : 11:04 AM  

 My son switched middle schools in the 8th grade and at his first band concert the band director gave a little speech to the audience: "Sometimes the music sounds like we're at the end and you might be tempted to clap. Don't. Wait for me to lower my arms and step off the director's podium. Then the piece is finished and it's appropriate to applaud."

I was appalled! I couldn't believe that people wouldn't KNOW how to behave at a concert. Once the concert started it was very apparent that some people hadn't paying attention. Then I was just sad.

It was sad for me to think of them only ever attending their kids' concerts because they HAD to - not because they enjoyed it. Never seeing a good play or hearing live classical music or going to a reading? How can they stand to live such narrow lives?


# posted by Anonymous CJ : 1:09 PM  

 You know, I see rude parents like these at my daughter's school, just in line to drop off their kids in the morning! I wonder what kind of manners they are teaching their kids.

Ms. Terry sounds super cool!


# posted by Blogger ShoeGirl : 12:40 AM  

 Thanks for giving me a manifesto, Gwen! I work with teens in the public library and 3/4 of my job is about saying "You can learn whatever you want here! The things you like and care about are important! You matter! We care! Every part of this place, from the fancy-schmancy archive to the dusty bound periodicals to the comics to the DVDs to the dirty books to the Bibles is here for everybody!"


# posted by Anonymous Goaty : 10:03 AM  

 Now I do love you Gwen, but I think you are being a bit harsh on the parents of band members. At least they are showing up, which cannot be said for every kid. At least they care enough to enroll and pay for their kids to be in the band, and it isn't cheap. And, really are their teeth full of food?
And as one who deals with the public in my job, my GOD there are so many rude damn people out there. I am just a lowely waitress, but you are paying 20-30 bucks for your dinner, can you get off the phone long enough to grace me with your order? Can your kid put that fucking game down long enough to act like a human? Would you take that extension of your head bluetooth set off, or are you REALLY that important? Oh and do you mind if I knock that motherfucking baseball cap off your head?
Tracey of the Woodlands


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 6:47 PM  

 Gwen,

This was an awesome post. I can't even put my finger on why, though. I feel like my mom never taught me any of that stuff about how to behave at performances, etc. We never went to any. But, my friends taught me when I started going to stuff like that with them (I just kept quiet and did what they did). I guess I'm lucky that my friends had good manners! Maybe I just liked this post so much because I really, really agreed with everything that you said.

Jeffytown

(Sorry, I made that Blogger account once to comment on your posts, but now I can't sign on to it? I have to make a google account or something? I'll just stick to signed, anonymous posts.)


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 2:03 AM  

 Gwen, Do you remember the junior "recital" or whatever it was when our class had to sing - June is Busting Out All Over?

Well, I remember we all dressed up. I remember the skirt and blouse I wore. I remember that parents dressed up too. What I just realized though, in keeping with our last conversation about our childhood experiences is that my parents didn't come. Nobody from my family did. Nelly's parents took me home...I think. I was supposed to call someone to come get me, but they said that it was on their way and they took me. I think they felt sorry for me. No one taught my parents any better. Hmm.


# posted by Blogger Letty : 12:29 PM  

 ps. I meant junior high recital. I don't know if we were in 7th or 8th grade.

ps2. How do you feel about parents who give stading ovations or yell out really loudly at their child's normal or expected performance level? Is this something that parents aren't taught either. I mean I think it's cool that they think their child is awesome, but I also think that there has to be a balance between pride and expectation.


# posted by Blogger Letty : 12:40 PM  

 OMG my husband does this!! I feel like its rude and overwhelming. But he says he wants our son to hear his Dad be proud. My kid says he hates it but you can see he kinda likes it though.

wow, tough one. I bet if you ask kids its ok from their Dads but horrible from their Mom, Gwen what do you do??

I whistle and yell if others do it at competitions but not at performances.
-Pixielyn


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 12:31 PM  

 [Sad coz I wrote y'all a long comment, and then it disappeared.]

Marigoldie: I'm in. (Except I keep forgetting my password. :( ) Don't let us make you feel bad. I was just messing with you. And I don't want you to get Dooced, either.

CJ: I wonder the same things. I mean, I appreciate low-brow stuff as much as anyone else, but I don't see how people can feed themselves a steady diet of it. I think it's due to more limiting definitions of self. People tell themselves that they aren't "frou frou" and that's why they can't/don't/won't enjoy classical music or whatever. And they're missing out, for no real reason.

Shoegirl: Rude people are everywhere, you're right.

Goaty: Thank you for working at a library!
Before my comment got lost, I was typing you a long story about the first fieldtrip we took to Houston's central branch, and how I found it so hard to believe that all those nice things (photo books, records, *art work!*) were available to anyone with a library card. (They don't lend art work anymore, though. Sigh.)

Tracey: Watch this:
"Now I do love you Tracey, but I think you are being a bit harsh on the restaurant patrons. At least they are showing up and paying for a meal at a restaurant, which isn't cheap. At least they care enough to tip sometimes."
You see what I did there?
I don't think I'm being too harsh on the rude band parents, because they aren't just being rude to me, the other parents, and their own kids -- they're being rude to everyone else's kids, too. I think that's unexcusable, no matter how much money they paid for their kids to be in band.

Jeffytown: Thank you. I'm glad you had awesome friends to help you out. And please don't feel bad about posting anonymously. I feel bad that Blogger/Google makes it so difficult for you guys. Please comment in whichever way is easiest for you.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 8:01 AM  

 Letty: March went out like a lion, a-whippin' up the waters in the bay. Then April cried and stepped aside, and along came pretty little May.

I remember. That was one of the few my dad showed up to. More than him being there, I remember him hauling me around the mall to get a new dress to wear for that recital. (We ended up at Weiner's.)

Now I have a lot to say about parents (ours, others) simply not showing up... but I don't want to say it here, to you, about our parents. :)

As for parents overreacting to their own kids' average performances: I agree with Pixielyn that kids will pretend to be embarrassed, but will actually be glad. In most cases. I think it's okay when the kids are very small, but it becomes embarrassing when they themselves are old enough to assess their own performances objectively.

I don't think it's rude, per se, but I can see it adding to the kid's embarrassment if he knows he only did average work, and everyone in the audience sees his parents pretending otherwise.

Pixie: I try to treat the kid performances like any other. Applaud politely for everyone, applaud louder for awesomeness. Congratulate the performers after the performance. Etc.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 8:11 AM  

 I wonder where the sexist, misspelled, uninformed comments from 5th Ward and East LA and Compton students are.

They are on MySpace.


# posted by Blogger NemesisVex : 9:10 AM  

 Gwen, what an honor you have given me. I really was a tough third grade teacher, but I tried to make all of you laugh, too. Remember the Johnny Texas unit with the first person presentations and all of the food. Imagine that- a teacher being allowed to cook in the classroom- and not one child died of poisoning! What a good time we had in those days when school could be fun for kids and teachers: fieldtrips, student programs with 600+ children and packed houses for every performance, and spontaneous hugs between teachers and students just because we loved each other.
P.S. The M stood for Marie!


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 1:31 AM  

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