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Thursday, September 13, 2007
Missed Connections, Missed Socialization LessonsIf you don't already read the Craigslist Missed Connections for your town, you totally should start doing so. For those of you who aren't familiar, Missed Connections are the section of the classifieds in which people post ads to specific strangers. Like, if you met someone at a club last night and she gave you her number, but you lost her number, and you also forgot her name, because you were completely wasted, then you might want to post a Missed Connection ad in search of her.
Or, like, if you saw a handsome stranger at Home Depot, and he smiled at you in an inviting way, but then a meteor hit the earth and everybody died, preventing you from getting his phone number, then you might like to post an ad in the Missed Connections section of the paper in the afterlife, in case he sees it there and wants to hook up.
I periodically read Houston's Missed Connections, not because I suspect that any stranger might have fallen in love with me at a nearby Starbuck's, but because they're pathetically hilarious. The majority of them fall into five main types of sadness, which I will chronicle for you here.
1. Way Overconfident Men
You: Hot blonde, about 5'6" and 114 lbs, wearing a denim skirt that showed off your cute pink and white striped panties when you bent over to pick up your baby's toy. Me: Interested in getting to know you better, possibly for more than just a one-night stand. Contact me ASAP.
2. Women Whose Insecurity Renders Their Ads Pointless
I saw you again last night at Memorial Park. You're the bike cop with the impossibly beautiful eyes. You probably wouldn't be interested in me, since my BMI is 19% and I have cellulite on the underside of my buttocks, and my cup size is only B and I can't yet afford the plastic surgery I so desperately need. And you're probably married, too. Or gay. But I just wanted to post this ad to tell you that you're gorgeous, and seeing you each afternoon is the highlight of my day, and whoever your wife (or partner) is, she (or he) is very, very lucky!
3. The Very Promiscuous
We met briefly last night at MBar. You wore a pale blue American Apparel summer shirt, I wore a white Abercrombie tank and blew you in the second stall. Get in touch with me -- I need to share test results.
4. The Desperate High School Shout-Out
Anybody know Belinda F. from Austin High class of '89? If so, please tell her to call Reynaldo from her 3rd period Fundamentals of Math. It's an emergency. I need to know how you're doing, Belinda. I need to know what you've been doing since graduation.
5. The Unintelligible
To: You Know Who. From: The One You Hurt. My question is, Why? Why did you do it? No one had to know about it but you and me, and her. Why did you have to destroy everything, including my heart? And my credit?
Have you ever posted a Missed Connections ad? Do you know anyone who has? Do you know anyone who actually found love (or sex) through one? Please share.
New Banks = KHAN!
My boyfriend and I get our hearts broken, locally, on a weekly basis. Why? Well, there's a lot of development going on in Houston lately. Lots of new shopping centers are going up like wildfire. We see one going up near work, and what do we do? We dream.
Him: "Maybe it's a new restaurant. Maybe it's something good, like sushi or pho. Or sushi-pho fusion."
Me: "Or bubble tea! Maybe it's sushi and pho with bubble tea!"
Him: "Yeah! And po' boy sandwiches with marinated hot peppers! Or, hey, maybe it's a store."
Me: "Yeah! A shoe store, maybe. Or a wholesale jewelry store. Or a craft supply store! With bubble tea and low-calorie sandwiches! And a wine bar, and free babysitting! And roller-skate rental!"
So we watch the new development, driving slowly around its block each day. And then, finally, the sign goes up. It says:
FIRST NATIONAL TUMBLEWEED BANK.
Or:
WASHKAHATCHIE BANK
Or:
THE PEOPLE'S CREDIT UNION OF UNITED FARM TEACHERS
Because, I swear, nine times out of ten, it's a freaking bank. And my boyfriend and I look at each other, and we sigh. A tear runs down each of our cheeks. We wonder aloud who has such pressing need for so many effing bank branches.
And then we move on to the next development. 6:09 AM #
Comments:
You forgot about the other one (or, rather, the subset of "unintelligible"): The Beyond Vague."Saw you on the subway yesterday. You looked at me briefly, but we didn't talk. Want to get coffee?"
THAT COULD BE ANYONE EVER.
# posted by
Stupid Haiku Dude : 9:29 AM
You are so right. I always think of those as a subset of the overconfident, though. Because of the assumed emotional connection that needs no description.
Actually, when those get posted in Houston, I just assume they're about me. Obviously, they're about you when they happen in your town. Don't you think?
# posted by
Gwen : 10:17 AM
What IS it with all these damn bank branches? My husband and I live in Austin, and last year we had an apartment downtown. Same freaking thing - new bank branches going up everywhere. Just. Don't. Get. It. How can this possibly be cost-effective?
# posted by
Katherine : 11:02 AM
We have that same experience here in Midtown Atlanta. They always wind up either being overpriced boutique furniture or clothing stores where you couldn't afford anything if you wanted it; or, even worse, a terrible restaurant like The Melting Pot. Meanwhile, they tear down all the cool stuff to build this crap.
# posted by
Deanna : 11:32 AM
I can't remember the circumstances, but one of my co-workers actually met someone through Craigslist missed connections. Or re-met them. Or whatever. It didn't work out, though. They went on one or two dates and called it quits.
# posted by
kate : 6:01 PM
My theory about the multiple bank branches is that all banks basically provide the same services, and every bank has its own aspect of customer service that it fails at. Since switching banks has basically become a lateral move at this point, they're all trying to grab hold of the "Eh, it's right next to my house" market.
# posted by
MaggieCat : 7:10 PM
I read the Missed Connections religiously in the hopes that I will read one about someone I know, and this past June I actually did! Well, it was about my favorite worker at the Bagel Me by my house. She is absolutely adorable and has green streaks in her black hair. A guy posted such a sweetly innocent message about her (specifying the restaurant and green streaks) and that he was worried it would be inappropriate to talk to her while she was working but that he thought she was cute. I was dying to let her know about the message, because I would so want to know if someone wrote something like that about me! Unfortunately, I read it right before leaving on vacation and by the next time I went in a month had passed and I felt it would have been kind of creepy to bring it up to her then. I also went over and over how I would actually tell her - "Hi, there... ever read Craigslist?" Nothing I came up with seemed less than creepy, but I do regret not telling her every time I go in there. I hope the guy finally got over himself and talked to her.
# posted by
Jen : 7:47 PM
hahaha!! i read craigslist all the time for the missed connections in L.A. hoping one of them will be for me. So far none have listed for a "short, dark, make-up less slob" but i think i just need to hang around starbucks more.
i love the way you write.
# posted by
: 10:58 AM
I notice a lot of the overconfident guy postings in our area. A lot of guys over 40 that want to hook up with some beautiful waitress in a college town.
But, your calling it the overconfident guy reminded me of something else you pointed out before.
I have some blondish highlights now and 3 men who work in my building have been more attentive and or nicer than ever before.
Yechhh.
# posted by
: 11:49 AM
I don't read Missed Connections, but I'm going to start. My favorite Craigslist pleasure reading is the barter section. It never fails to crack me up to see what people want and what they're trying to unload. Blacklight posters for Swedish massage. Intercom system for tabby kitten. Legal advice for boat trailer.
Just now I searched Denver C'list for a really good example and immediately found this: "Snake my drain for Great American Beer Fest tickets." Perfect! I thought it was something kinky, but the guy just wants someone to come over and unclog his drain.
# posted by
Marigoldie : 7:39 AM
You all are fancy, we don't get new banks we get check cashing/payday loan places.
# posted by
: 12:02 PM
What are you talking about? Only half of them are banks; the other half are CVSs, dry cleaners, and donut stores.
# posted by
: 2:03 PM
Katherine: I wonder if it's a Texas thing, especially.
Deanna: I'm glad you called The Melting Pot crap. We only have one of those here in Houston, and I've been wondering if it's any good.
I'll trust your opinion.
Kate: Oh, good. That's one for the middle of the bell-curve, then. Thanks.
Maggiecat: Your theory rings extremely plausible.
Jen: Oh man. I can totally imagining reacting like you did -- dying to tell her but knowing it's just too creepy. Funny story.
Short, dark, make-up-less anon: Thank you. :)
Highlighted anon: Thank you for backing up my findings. Beware the sexual power of the blonding, y'all!
Marigoldie: Oh man, I've never even peeked at the bartering. Now I'll start, though. Are you one of the peeps who likes to read about apartments in other cities?
I read Missed Connections, sometimes I scope the kitten ads, and then I like to finish off with Creative Jobs and Writing Gigs so that I can get pissed off over the amount of people who think ghostwriting an autobiography is worth $50. If that doesn't put me in a bad-enough mood, I'll read Rants & Raves and marvel over the sheer number of racists posting each hour.
Greebly: Funny. But I won't feel sorry for you, coz I bet you get exciting pawn shops, too.
Upper Kirby: I was talking about single establishments, while you are obviously talking about whole new shopping centers. And you're right. Houston zoning laws state that each new shopping center must contain:
one CVS,
one dry cleaner,
one off-brand donut shop,
one cell phone store,
one Subway or Quiznos,
and two stores that are so boring that you immediately forget what they are upon seeing them, and you have no idea who would ever shop in them, and you're forced to conclude that the whole center is a Mafia front.
# posted by
Gwen : 2:32 PM
Oh, and one mattress store, right in the corner, with inappropriately fancy windows.
# posted by
Gwen : 2:33 PM
Oh no. Every day I find out there are even more reasons why I am not cool than I had previously suspected. Today's reason, apparently, is the Melting Pot. It's... oh hm, I guess I have to say it... it's *cheesy* I know, but on the other hand it is also melted-cheese-on-pumpernickel-bread-y, and I can't help but love that. It's comfort food almost to me. Not hip, not cool, not young, and not cheap either, but it makes me happy every once in a while. You gotta go with someone you like a lot, though... it's time-consuming to cook your food for yourself one bite at a time.
However, I'll allow that if I found one of those in Midtown Atlanta I might be upset. I lived in Midtown from 1995 to like 1998 and when I go back these days I am flabbergasted by the shiny and new of it. Back then it was a little seedy. I used to work in a Kinko's at 5th and Peachtree where the funnest part of every day was evicting the homeless people who liked to sleep there, often but not always before they urinated all over themselves and our chairs. Last time I was by there the same space was occupied by a hip little Swedish furniture store. I liked the Urban Blight Kinko's better.
# posted by
Michelle : 11:23 AM
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