Sneak preview of upcoming novel.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Freedom vs PressureThis morning I made an announcement to a couple of friends. "I have given myself permission to stop writing." My boyfriend told me he would support me, if that's what I really wanted. My friend Julio told me I was full of shit.
But that's not what I want, and not what I meant. Of course I'm going to keep writing. I just gave myself permission to stop. Meaning, I don't have to write (or sell) another book right now. I don't have to do anything I don't feel like doing. If I want to paint or sing karaoke for a while instead of writing, I will. If I want to lie in bed and watch TV, I'll do that, too.
Really, I'll probably start a new book soon. But I like doing so without the pressure. And so, I let myself off the hook.
Summertime: Living Is Easy, Grooming Is More Complex
It's getting to be funny now, how exactly like clockwork it is that the sun's heat can change my mind about certain style choices. Before the heat, I can't wear beads or sandals or self-tanner, and I can't even really think about highlighting my hair.
But it's been getting hotter lately. Hot enough for sandals (and therefore pedicures). Hot enough for jewelry I thought was tacky a month ago. (For some reason, metal is for winter and beads are for summer, in my mind.) Hot enough to do my first batch of self tanner, when mere weeks ago I was saying that I'd never do that crap again.
Not yet hot enough for highlights, though. Today I still feel like last year's blond highlights were a mistake--a little tacky--and that I'll never do them again. However, I'm prepared to change my mind by the end of May. Really, it's funny how some things look different in the heat of the sun. I guess the heat just makes me crazy.
Pretty Boys (and a Pretty Girl)
My friend Ashley tells me I have a thing for pretty men. All the actors I find attractive, she says, could just as easily be girls. I don't know why, though. I never noticed til she said.
Last night I dreamed I was dating a very beautiful man, with green eyes and black hair. Meanwhile, an overweight, sad man (with brown eyes) was upset with me because he loved me but I refused to love him back. I tried to explain to him that it's wrong to get pissed off at people, just 'cause they won't love you.
Meanwhile, my pretty boyfriend wasn't very polite, and wasn't very considerate. After I got done talking to the sad man (and my lecture didn't work), I chased my boyfriend through an indoor lake of dark green water. As we dried, I scolded him, saying that he was spoiled. I said I didn't want to date him anymore, because being beautiful had made him a rotten person. And yet, while I said this, I never let him go.
Pretend I'm not talking about my weight.
I stopped trying to do Atkins, because it no longer works for me. In fact, I gained even more weight last month, even though I dieted very diligently.
So now I'm doing it old-school style. I did the math and the science, and now I'm counting calories. I am eating 1600 calories or less per day. (That's how many I need in order to lose weight at a healthy level. Science.) I always thought I'd hate doing that sort of thing, but actually I'm finding that I like the math. It's kind of fun, adding up my meals in my mind before I eat them. And I like that it has an underlying formula: [your weight] X [a variable relating to your activity level] - [500 for one pound a week] or [1000 for two pounds a week]. Also, it's kind of fun to eat carbs again. I admit it.
I'm not telling you this so that weight-obsessed people can come out of the woodwork and give me unsolicited, pitying, patronizing advice. I'm telling you this so that, if it works, you'll know. And also, because I like the math. Really, I'm just telling you that math is fun.
Seriously, though? If I don't lose any weight after a month of this, I'll start freaking out a little. This is the longest I've gone without being able to lose weight relatively easily. I know--I'm getting older, and that's what happens when you get older. But still. The new resistance of my fat is unsettling. I don't mind getting old; I just don't want my body to fall apart in the process. Ha.
Okay. That's all. Next time, I'll tell y'all something interesting. 2:07 PM #
Comments:
i have a feeling that within the next couple years dietary math may be offered in high school. um, but anyway, that reminds me of the autistic kid in 'the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.' have you read that? ridiculously highly recommended if not. take care!# posted by
Blake : 10:22 AM
I have ZERO advice for weight loss. I just wanted to let you know you are so not alone! I've been on Weight Watchers since January and sometimes I want to scream.
A lot.
# posted by
That Chick Over There : 10:39 AM
Your new math diet should work...especially if you add some extra activity to the mix. This is the only way I ever lose weight. Slowly, but surely. If you burn more than you take in, you should lose weight! Imagine that?! And nothing's off limits. Just have to plan a little. Woohoo!
# posted by
: 11:59 AM
Haven't read it yet. I just moved it to the top of my list based on your recommendation, though. Also: dietary math (or just a nutrition unit in health class) is a good idea. Last time I saw my endocrinologist, he pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote a bunch of weight-loss math on it. He was trying to prove how boring/tedious it was, but instead, he intrigued me.
That chick: And yet you've lost 20 lbs, I see. Congratulations. In this book I read, Volumetrics, it says that it's really rare for women to lose more than 35 in one go. Be proud of yourself.
Anon: Exercise for weight loss? What a novel concept. I will have to investigate further.
Just kidding.
Actually, sugar is still off-limits for me, at least til I lose enough weight to (god willing) become un-hypoglycemic.
You know... I like y'all three people, and I really wish we could all talk about diet/weight more here, but seriously, I get the most rude/offensive emails/comments whenever I bring it up. Also, I just deleted a fake comment from someone at a web site called Calorie-Count. :P
Also, also: Today I'm wearing pants that I could not wear in April. Yay.
# posted by
Gwen : 9:28 AM
Funny, the only thing that has EVER worked for me is weight watchers point system. Perhaps it's the big old math nerd in me, but counting points and knowing when you're done? The only way. And I find that, since it's math, I approach it like a class...
yes I'm sad, but GL no matter what way you go. And truly, I identify with the whole "not wanting to like people who don't like me 'plus' sized" thing.
# posted by
: 10:16 PM
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