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Monday, March 12, 2007
Busy Being a Mom, Even When I'm NotI haven't written in a while because my kids just went to their dad's for spring break. That means I've spent the last week doing equal parts of all of the following:
wishing they wouldn't go
wishing they'd hurry and leave
feeling guilty for looking forward to the break
feeling guilty for enjoying the break
enjoying the hell out of the break
worrying about the kids
planning to get lots of work done
planning to catch up with all my friends
planning to do wicked things
planning to be alone and rest
feeling overwhelmed by all these expectations
peeling crawfish tails
Peeling the crawfish tails takes the longest. All that other stuff flits through my head at a mile a minute.
Today I was very adult. I fertilized my lawn, attended an insurance seminar, and checked the sticker on my windshield to make sure it wasn't time to change my oil yet. Most importantly, I refrained from spending any money at all. If you know me in real life, you understand what a feat of strength that was.
Today my boss needed me a lot. Whenever that happens, I take pity on him. I want to hold a cool, damp washcloth to his head. But I couldn't, because I was very, very busy. I worked all day, and while I was working, people came by to chat and put more work on my desk. I felt like a machine. I got dehydrated.
I'm taking Friday off, but I wish I'd taken more days off. It's never enough.
This whole spring break/mommy trauma thing is just practice. It's only a week. In the summer, my kids go away for longer and it totally freaks me out.
I was going to tell you a lot of stuff about the way it feels, when you have kids and then they suddenly go away for a while. It feels scary and exhilarating at the same time, like I imagine it must feel when you're running towards a cliff's edge in a hang glider.
But then I decided not to talk about it that much, because people without kids can't know, and people with kids don't need me to tell them. So... yeah.
Today, on the long commute home (I could have stayed near work and done happy hour, but I wasn't yet ready for that), I tried to remember how I used to feel before I had kids. It's weird, but I never can remember. I don't think I ever will again. It's like having kids destroys a part of your brain, in a way. Or dumps out part of your memory core. Oh, well.
My kids said they wanted to eat crawfish. I'm fighting the urge to feel guilty that I ate crawfish without them. Silly. Instead, I'll just take them to eat crawfish when they get back. Duh.
If you call me and I don't answer the phone, it's because I'm almost never alone. I'm practicing being alone right now. It's not at all as scary as it used to be, because having kids made me stronger. But weaker, too. Both at the same time. It's a paradox. It's an enigma, wrapped up in a mystery, tied up in a mortgage, and yet, at the same time, even hamsters and cavemen can do it. It's magic. It's torture. It's awesome.
So I'm taking a break now and reflecting on all that. And I'm doing all the other stuff, too. (See list, above.)
Labels: parenting
8:59 PM #Comments:
Whenever my kids go to their dadses' houses...(if you really want to have fun holidays, have kids with different fathers, then get divorced)...I stare at the walls in silence for a while in terror at the eerie silence. This lasts for about half an hour. Then I realize I can DO things. Things by myself. Adult things. I can be as quiet or noisy as I want. But there is that half hour of decompression.# posted by
little wing : 11:06 AM
I feel that way (though to a far less profound degree) when my husband is away.
# posted by
Calista : 10:57 AM
Nice to be able to leave a comment! I've been reading you since the dark ages. I've enjoyed watching you grow and change as well as your sons. I say - keep writing about being a parent. Those thoughts need to be voiced and they help other parents (like me) to hear them. The guilt thing makes me insane! I need space and time alone (I also write) but I feel bad when I get it. Or else I don't know how to use the time properly so I'm guilty if I "squander" it because I'm not getting enough done. Impossible to win that battle.
# posted by
Claudia : 1:43 PM
I'm a stepmom. I've mentioned I guess, that I live in Peru, and I'm the gringa step mom to 2 beautiful Peruvian boys. We've all lived together for 3 years now. Since their dad (my husband!) is gone to work 10-15 hours a day, they spend almost all their time with me. When they go to visit with their actual mother or grandmother, I feel all the things you mention. It's good to talk about it, and it's good to know you aren't alone. As freaked out as I get over a weekend with them gone, I can't imagine how it feels for their mother, knowing that in a year I'm going to be living with her children to live in the United States. Although she really doesn't have a say in the matter, she's willing to let them go - what a huge sacrifice for her to make, to know she may not see her children for years - but to let them go because she knows it will be better for them in the long run.
# posted by
: 8:30 PM
Thanks so much for the comment "freedom". I tried a while back to comment and it was not fun. At the time, I thought my comment was very important, but now I don't remember what it was.
AAAHHH, now I remember, I was going to post about a "Quinceanara" that my son played at. He belongs to a young Mariachi group and they performed at what they called a "TreintaNera" (sp?). It was a thirty year old women who did not have a Quinceanera. She had sponsors for everything from paper plates to paper cups. She was dressed in pink with pink converse high tops. She was having a GREAT Time!!!
# posted by
: 3:23 PM
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