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Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Passive HitsOne of the things I've been working on, as far as self-improvement goes, is passive aggressiveness. I'm trying to eradicate all traces of it from my life.
When I was younger, I used to think that the best (safest) way to hit on someone was to do it ambiguously. That way, if they liked you back, they would say so (hopefully). And, if they didn't like you back and said so, you could always deny your interest in the first place.
Now that I'm older and have lived through more things, I've done a complete 180 emotional reversal on this issue. I hate it when people hit on me ambiguously, or express their romantic interest passively. And I see now how inconsiderate that sort of behavior is. Here are all my reasons why:
1. The other person knows that you like her/him, and yet you are giving her/him no opportunity to turn you down.
For example, you think you're clever when you say things like, "So, Cillian Murphy, would you ever date a single mom of three who likes to write? Hee, hee."
Meanwhile, Cillian Murphy is thinking, "I don't want to date you, Gwen." And yet he can't say it, because you didn't ask that question, and he is too well mannered to answer the question you didn't ask.
2. It's creepy.
Like I said, the other person already senses that you like him/her, and yet you never say anything outright, so he/she never says anything outright, and the situation drags on and on and on. And you're content to let it drag, because, that way, you can still fool yourself into believing that your unrequited feelings are secretly mutual. But, meanwhile, the other person is wondering more and more what the hell is wrong with you, and why you can't take a freaking hint.
3. It's the technique that perverts use.
You know how perverts on the subway sneak up next to you, slowly ooze into a fondle or squeeze, and then, if you face them, they say, "Excuse me," as if their touching your ass was an accident?
Don't do that to people. Not physically, and not emotionally. Don't ask for a phone number on false pretenses, then call that person late at night, when you're drunk enough to have the guts. Don't pull the "Oops, I kissed you because I was drunk" maneuver. Don't try the old "I rubbed up against you because I'm half asleep" routine. It fills your victim with complete, utter disgust.
4. It's insulting.
If you're pretending to be someone's friend for months or years on end, solely because you're secretly living for the possibility that that person will "wake up" one day and decide to sleep with you... Then you aren't a very good friend. You aren't a friend at all. You're dishonest and manipulative, and when the other person realizes that, you will totally blow any chance you might have had to score.
5. Most important reason: Confidence is sexy.
It's way, way sexier. So is honesty, even when it's difficult to display. Hasn't it ever happened to you that someone walks up and flat-out asks you on a date, or says, "I find you really attractive"? And, even if you never gave that person a second look before, don't you feel flattered? And, as long as the person is candid-but-not-creepy, aren't you impressed by his/her confidence? If you're a normal person, you are, right? (I'm talking to normal people and not jerks, who aren't worth asking out, anyway.)
Just be honest. Just come out and ask. I could have a million reasons for turning you down. It might be what you're afraid of hearing. I.e., "No. You disgust me. How dare you suggest such a thing."
But, since I'm not a jerk, it would sound more like, "I'm flattered, but no, thank you." And then you'd know for sure, and you could move on with your life.
Or, who knows? The answer could be "Yes. Hell yes!" Or, it could be, "You know, I never thought about you in that way. But now that you've flattered and impressed me, I might." Or, it could be, "I'm not dating right now, but I'll certainly keep you in mind for when I am." Or, it could be, "No thanks, because I have a boyfriend, but how about I introduce you to my friend Samantha?"
But you will never know until you ask. And, if you creep me out instead of just asking, the answer will never be yes.
Labels: my sex life, psychobabble
7:15 PM #Comments:
Amen. And now you've really got me wondering what happened to make you write this.# posted by
tina : 10:06 PM
so you want to go out some time?
# posted by
Janice : 2:53 AM
Preach it! I would like to purge my life of the PA crap, too. It's less of an issue in dating for me, but such a hard habit to break!
# posted by
Sassmaster : 8:35 AM
Wow, this hits me right between the eyes. I've become way more confident and not sweating the no's, at least we can move on.
The tough part, honestly, is if I get a no, can we get past the awkward moment and still be friends (if we know each other). If we're at a bar or a party, and have just met, it's different.
# posted by
Timothy Taylor : 12:02 PM
Not only was that an awesome post on its own but using Cillian Murphy, the epitome of creepy-hot, as your example was the perfect added touch!
# posted by
Vix : 12:17 PM
I love the title for your next reading! "Mexican Women Were My Mister Miyagi"
# posted by
ShoeGirl : 2:44 PM
This is the opposite of my problem with guy friends doing the P/A on me that I didn't want to date. I didn't want to outright tell them, "No, I don't want to date you" because once they breached the question, I'd freak out, run away, and refuse to ever associate with them again. As long as there was no outright "I want you" statement, I could pretend that the friendship wasn't ultimately doomed when I said no.
Um, yeah.
# posted by
Jennifer R : 3:21 PM
Tina: Nothing in particular. ;)
Janice: You made me laugh out loud.
Sassmaster: You and me together. We shall overcome.
Timothy: Yeah, I can totally imagine that being hard. Even if she says, "Sure, we can still be friends," it would be awkward, at least for a while. But, at the same time, I do have friends who've asked that question. And to *whom* I've asked that question, with the answer being no. I think a little rest period is usually all it takes.
Vix: Thanks! Glad to oblige with creepy-hot imagery.
Shoegirl: Thank you. I'm glad people seem to like it so far.
Jennifer R: I totally feel you. But, if the guy never tells you, don't you eventually run into drama, anyway? Like, when you start dating someone else, and your guy friend starts acting all embittered and pouty in response?
I think it's a choice between a few hours of hardcore awkwardness, and months or years of slow-brewing awkwardness. I guess I'm just saying I prefer to get it over with... rip off the bandaid.
# posted by
Gwen : 3:34 PM
You are so right.
I have a guy doing this to me right now. It's the weirdest, most awkward situation as he is the patient of the "doctor" I work for and I HAVE to see him once a week and be nice to him.
His method was telling me to call him sometime when I was "bored or needed to talk". Because he didn't ask me out in a straightfoward manner I feel presumptuous saying, "No thanks, I've got a boyfriend that I really like already".
He really sorta screwed himself, because instead of my nice no-harm-no-foul built-in letdown he probably thinks I'm just rejecting him because I don't like him rather than because I'm taken.
What's ironic is I originally thought he was a nice guy and probably would have continued to think so if he had just asked outright and I didn't have to deal with all this weirdness at work because of him.
# posted by
Jessebel : 5:00 PM
The corollary to this is that if you do get asked a straight question for heaven's sake give a straight answer.
Sure, rejection can be tough but that's our problem not yours.
# posted by
Patrick Crozier : 6:50 PM
This shanked me in the ribs and broke it off. though funny, its true. i gotta stop being like that creepy guy...
# posted by
Jay : 3:12 PM
Jessebel: That makes you an awesome case in point.
Patrick: Your words were so true, they inspired my next blog entry.
Jay: Admitting the problem is half the battle, buddy. You're halfway cured! Congratulations!
# posted by
Gwen : 9:47 PM
So, what about when someone thinks that you've been PA hitting on them, but you were just being nice? How do you let someone know that hey, I'm not interested in your naked body, just in hanging out with clothes on all the time, without them thinking you're *still* being PA? I think it's a catch-22.
# posted by
Brynna : 1:29 PM
Brynna: Hard to answer that without more details. Namely, how do you know that this person thinks you've been PA hitting on him?
Did he tell you so? If so, that was your opportunity to say, "Actually, I only like you as a friend." And then back off with your friendship a little, since he's obviously misreading something about it.
Did you hear it from a mutual friend? If so, tell the friend you only like the guy as a friend, and then back off of the friendship a little.
Is it just a feeling you have--something you're intuiting from his behavior? If so, make it a point to tell him that you enjoy his friendship, and the fact that you can be friends without getting into weird PA-hitting-on-people crap. Then, back off the friendship a little in order to prove your point. When he regains his comfort level, he'll come back to you.
Or maybe he's a person who only befriends people he wants to sleep with, and therefore he sees the same motive in you. In which case: Forget about being his friend. Not worthwhile friend material.
(Saying "you" and "he" and "him" to make it easy, not because I assume this is about you and some guy.)
# posted by
Gwen : 7:33 PM
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