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Sneak preview of upcoming novel.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
DissatisfactionLast week I was thinking that I had a lot of stuff to be thankful for. In fact, I felt so thankful that it seemed like Thanksgiving had finally arrived, a whole month late in my mind. Either that or it was another side effect from the cabergoline I've been taking.
This week, however, is a completely different story.
Every year, during the week between Christmas and New Year's Day, I like to make myself completely miserable. Whereas last week I was thankful for having had the means to buy a house and a new vehicle during 2006, this week I told myself I was a complete loser in all other respects.
All year I revised writing I'd already sold, or proposed writing that no one's bought. I didn't sell any new writing at all. I didn't make any extra money at all. Not outside my day job, I mean. And, this week, in my mind, that makes me a loser.
This year, in fact, I feel even worse about it than usual, because this is the year I turn 35.
Who cares, right? It's just a number, and turning 30 didn't bother me at all. But 35 is different, you see, because that's half my life expectancy gone. (Not even taking into consideration that everyone in my family likes to die before age 70.)
I don't feel like I've done enough for half a lifetime. And don't try to make me feel better about it, either. Don't say, "Oh, you've done way more than most people," because most people are lazy. Aren't they? I'm not lazy, so I should have done more.
Don't say, "Oh, you've done [X, with X being some random bullshit thing that anybody could have done.]" Like, today, my friend Julio told me, "You've already done something very important. You've had three kids." What the hell? Any cat on the street can have three kittens. Any crackwhore downtown can get knocked up! Thanks for patronizing me, Julio, you bastard.
Yes, I sold three books, but who cares? That was years ago. What have I done for me lately, though? Not a gosh darned thing. I haven't done enough yet, that's for damned sure.
I like January. You know why? Because that's the month that I get my butt in gear and get stuff done. Before New Year's Day, I want to clean house. Figuratively and literally, I mean - I spent Christmas morning scrubbing my kids' toilet, in fact.
Before January's over, I expect to have my taxes done, my 2007 budget in place, and a freaking life plan on the table. With outlines. And spreadsheets. And a signature in blood.
Okay, well, there it is. I just wanted to tell y'all what's been on my mind lately.
In the meantime, I hope you all had good holidays and traded nice gifts. We have one more party to go, y'all, before the brand new year. Do it right, okay? Have a good one. 4:20 PM #
Comments:
Sigh, I hear you. I do the same crap to myself all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. So, though I rarely practice what I preach, let me tell you that you are awesome, and you have done tons of great stuff, and will do tons more, and you need to go easy on yourself and be goal-oriented but also very proud of what you have already accomplished.# posted by
tina : 5:38 PM
It's not the holiday blues until you cannot stop crying.
Which hadn't happened to me until this year. The year I am thirty and not making any money, living in an apartment on my own and driving a crappy car that sounds like a maraca.
But thanks for putting that song ('what have you done for me lately') in my head.
# posted by
LC : 11:31 AM
Hi Gwen,
I'm 45 and if you get cancer in my family your life exspectancy is about 60 or 60+. But today I'm so happy my sister sent me an e-mail she has beat cancer, and she is gonna live!
Also I'm writing on my own book length manuscript, and it's coming along really well.
And I have read your post and I think you have accomplished so much, and your have the rest of your life to do more, and guess what? You will do more because you are a doer!
Hang in there and down let a bump or two in the road, or the Holiday blues get you down.
Happy New Years!
Janice~
# posted by
Janice : 11:02 PM
I understand exactly where you’re coming from on that. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been whinging about my lack of accomplishments and been told that I have “Two! Beautiful! Children!” Not that I disagree that my kids are amazing and all of that, but I don’t usually put them on my c.v. Also irritating? My idiot ex-husband could point to those same kids as his ‘accomplishment’.
And here’s something that I think about from time to time, but that I don’t tend to share: I had my kids (amazing as they are) at a really hard time in my life. Bad marriage, limited options/education, and no money. I think they’re swell kids and I’m so happy to have them, but unlike my friends who are now in or approaching their early thirties, finding out I was pregnant (twice!) was alarming and devastating news that I realized would turn back the clock on the escape from my marriage I was planning. Less of an accomplishment than a situation that kept preventing me from racking up accomplishments.
Now I’m getting to the point where I’m feeling really old, suddenly. I’m applying to graduate school now, but by the time I get out, I’m going to be in my forties (!) I feel that I won’t be able to have a real academic career at that point – that people won’t want to hire me because of my age. I’m sometimes very jealous of my friends who are wrapping up their PhDs at the end of their twenties. They don’t have children and I know they’ll have their own issues trying to sort out if or when they want to have them while dealing with their careers.
But, oh irony: now that I’m in a stable, happy relationship and still capable, I too am wondering whether I should have another baby. (Mostly whether I’ll regret it if I don’t.) The ONE advantage of having kids when I did was supposed to be getting the whole question settled away early.
And now I’m contemplating opening it up again.
Le sigh!
# posted by
queen of the harpies : 1:33 PM
well, nice to know i'm not the only one with the after-christmas blues. we can all wallow together. i vote for ice cream and sappy movies.
# posted by
curvature : 10:22 PM
How you were feeling is how I am feeling today on New Years Day. I know I should be thankful for this that and the other but why can't I get rid of this "dissatified" feeling. Or the feeling I need to start a new life on a completely different planet. Or the feeling that everything seems meaningless and pointless.
Or it just could be that I don't want to go to work tomorrow and that I have to pay a shitload of taxes soon.
# posted by
MissCathee : 7:08 PM
Ah Gwen. No sappy "cheer up, girl" from me. You make me feel like I'm not the only one. That's worth something, isn't it??
# posted by
CJ : 3:35 PM
Tina: Thanks. Same to you and more of it. :)
LC: That sucks. I hope things get much better for you soon.
Janice: I'm glad your sister's doing well. Good luck with your book, too.
Harpy Queen: I hear you on all of it. And, for the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting another kid at this point, or having one. It's good to have kids when you want. (But without people acting like kids are a substitute for a career, when we all know they're not because they don't earn you any money.)
Curvature: Ha. Did you do it? Did it work?
Miss Cathee: You need to write off your beading supplies as a business expense!
CJ: Yes. That's usually the reason I do it, in fact. Thanks. :)
# posted by
Gwen : 8:54 AM
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