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Friday, October 27, 2006
The Pattern of Crappy FeelingsSo my endocrinologist is making me take my temperature every day this month, and I'm learning ever so much. One, my temperature never goes up enough to indicate that eggs are in my uterus. Two, I feel especially sickly on days when my temperature dips low.
Like today. Today I was at 96.9 degrees (Is that normal? Am I dead?) and, once again, I have the between-bimonthly-periods feeling of nausea, dizziness, exhaustion. I even managed to fit in a panic attack between breakfast and lunch.
What does it mean? I try to visualize my own insides. It means... My uterus reaches out lovingly to grasp the egg it knows should be there. (Cramp.) There's no egg. My uterus feels a chill sweep through its bones. (Low temp.) Where is the egg? My uterus is sick at the thought of having no egg to nurture. (Sick.) My uterus sheds bitter tears. (Another period.)
That's what I think of. Sorry to be so gross. Really, though, there's nothing gross about it. If you can watch those plastic surgery shows on TLC (which I can't watch), then you can read about my uterus' bloody bimonthly episodes. (Or you can skip reading them, too, like I skip the shows on TLC.)
My endocrinologist says that hormones control everything. On the one hand, I believe that he believes that because it makes for his good livelihood. (Cynicism.) On the other hand, I find myself measuring everything in my life along with my temperature. Am I nicer to my boyfriend when I reach 98 degrees? Do I wear more makeup at 79.3? It'll take another month of record-keeping to know for sure, I think. (Mild sarcasm.) And what hormone dosage will make me perfect? We'll wait and see what the doctor tells me. If he knows anything at all. (Carefully controlled optimism, disguised as pessimism.)
Depressing books depress me (and yet, I read).
So I'm reading The Unconsoled, by Kazuo Ishiguro. And I'd like to say that I don't know why people spend money on drugs, when it's just as easy to borrow weird books from the library when you're in the mood to alter your consciousness.
I'm also like to say, "Darn you, Kazuo Ishiguro, for making me rush to figure out what the hell's going on in your book." Although I know a lot of people who are always like, "Oh, I figured out The Sixth Sense in the first five minutes of the movie," and "Oh, I figured out The Village five minutes before the movie started," and "Oh, I figured out all of Agatha Christie's mysteries five years before she was born"... I am not one of those people. All you have to do is hold up a sign that says, "This is a mystery," and I will willfully suspend my disbelief and powers of deduction for weeks on end, until the mystery unfolds.
So don't tell me what happens at the end of The Unconsoled unless you want me to hate you. But know that I'm reading it so very, very quickly, it's making my head spin. It's turning me crazy. I predict several daylight hours in bed, with book in hand, and a wet washcloth across my forehead. Oh my word, what is going to happen? No way to know until I read, read, read.
And then I turn the book over, to examine the blurb for clues, and two times it tells me the story is witty. What? No, it's very dark and gloomy, you guys. It's making me sad, but I have to read through.
More Measurements: Marking Time
I realized today that I mark my time with weekends, and that's not a pleasant way to live when you work five days a week. I live weekend-to-weekend, and I wish it didn't have to be that way.
A good way to live, I think, is project-to-project. I imagine Mick Jagger and Keith Richards live that way. (Although maybe, for them, it's overlayed by high-to-high or drink-to-drink?) My weekend marking is overlaid by project marking, fortunately, so I really can't complain.
Some rich people, I think, live purchase-to-purchase.
So many unrich people live paycheck-to-paycheck, or assistance-to-assistance, or abuse-to-abuse, or high-to-high, overlaid with crime-to-crime-in-order-to-pay-for-the-highs.
How do you live? And do you feel lucky? 1:28 PM #
Comments:
I live Weekend to Weekend, even though I work weekends too, but it's at a different place. I guess my day job and society makes me feel that way.I also work with a lot of people at my weekend job who work weekend to weekend even though they work shift work and will often have 2 days off in the middle of the week. This has always struck me as odd.
I feel very fortunate that I no longer work paycheck to paycheck. That can be a very stressful way to live.
# posted by
lisal : 2:37 PM
I used to live paycheck to paycheck and weekend to weekend. I've been trying not to do that anymore though and I think the secret is to feel lucky and believe you can have what you want. I've noticed that if I think and think and think about what I want--what it looks like, what it feels like, what I feel like when I have it--and then live as if I already have it, it comes to me.
Two recent examples are money to pay off most of our bills and a new car. My husband and I test drove cars and stopped worrying about debt and imagined ourselves in a life where we didn't really have to worry about money and now we have a new car and we paid off most of our debt. I also imagined myself into my dream job which is about to be offered to me (next week) that is doing pretty much exactly what I've always wanted to do and pay me more than double my last professional job. I'm learning that my thoughts really do have the power to shape how I live. The hardest part is letting go of how it will get to me, because I might limit the possibilities if I don't.
So now I live in expectation of what wonderful thing is coming next and it's awesome. Right now my husband and I are imagining ourselves a house.
# posted by
Kimberly : 11:24 AM
I live quarter to quarter because I'm in nursing school. Or exam to exam. Or paper to paper. You get the point.
I do feel very lucky because I have the opportunity to go to school and make a career change into nursing, which feeds my soul instead of eating my soul like sending spam did. Even though there's a lot more blood and poop involved.
Have you had your thyroid levels tested? A low body temp, especially first thing in the morning, can indicate hypothyroidism. Forgive me if that is old news to you and you're already on thyroid meds or something.
# posted by
girl_in_greenwood : 1:44 PM
Hello! I feel your pain. I've been living with a mystery pain that started last Friday, the 20th. I've seen 4 doctors so far and I have two theories but not a hard fast fact, "this is why you have a sharp pain in your right side." So now I have to keep listening to my body to pay attention to when I get the sharp pain.
These days I live weekend to weekend because I've been hating my job lately. And the weekends is when I get most of my writing done.
# posted by
ShoeGirl : 5:14 PM
Man, I loved "the Unconsoled." I read it at top speed, too. And I won't reveal the ending, but I sure hope you let us know what you thought once you finish.
# posted by
jupiterooos : 8:24 PM
Ah, this is such a rich and satisfying post.
I live weekend to weekend, or maybe houseclean to houseclean? Weekends are about having enough time to clean or organize this filthy, cluttered apartment.
Sometimes I feel so lucky, like I've been blessed with an extra compartment for storing joy. And the exact same amount of time I feel doomed, scarred and trapped.
# posted by
Marigoldie : 8:59 PM
Great post, Gwen. I'd have to say that, overall, I live trip-to-Europe-to-trip-to-Europe, which sounds very jet-set and privileged but really isn't in the slightest, because all, and I do mean ALL, of the money I save generally goes for that purpose. But that's the big picture. On a day-to-day basis, it's more project-to-project (wow, there are so many hyphens in this comment). I feel amazingly lucky that I get to do what I love for a living and that my second book is really and truly coming out next spring. Unfortunately, that feeling is often overwhelmed by the perceived unluckiness of my singledom and icky skin and general state of poverty, blah blah blah. Like most people, I don't stop often enough to thank the heavens for all my blessings.
# posted by
tina : 4:18 PM
I don't know how I live. Maybe day to day? I generally end my days feeling hopeful about the next day. And then sometimes I write off the actual day I'm in half way through and think, "well this sucks, but let me just get through today and there's always tomorrow."
I feel very lucky, though. Almost always. I'm greatful for my happy little life.
# posted by
kate : 9:20 AM
Hi Gwen,
I'm sorry that you are having so much trouble with your period.
When I was having problems twelve or so years ago I was told it was because I had a baby then nursed for a year with no period then went on to the birth control pill and my body didn't know what to do on it's on so that's why I didn't have a period for months.
So I had months to wait until it figured it out, and it did. Now I actually have a period once a month, it's usually all over the map but I got one.
And to answer your question, I live day to day, because each day has it's own challenges.
Janice~
# posted by
Janice : 11:33 AM
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