May 3, Houston: The big one -- the Inprint reading -- occurs at the Alley Theatre on Monday, May 3. Do not miss it or you'll be sorry. I'm not kidding -- I'm going to say the craziest, most intellectual yet hilarious stuff I can think of, and I'll be sharing the stage with the ultra sexy Oscar Casares, too.
June 24, Houston: I'm one of the peeps scheduled to read at Poison Pen, at Houston's famous Poison Girl bar. Besides me, everyone there will be ultra, *super* sexy. Come see me and drink!
June 26, Washington, DC: I'll be reading at the American Library Association conference. Come on down.
My other blog: Go read my the Houston Chronicle parenting blog (or my ChronMomBlog, as I like to call it) and make sure my kids won't resent me more than other kids resent their own parents.
Buy my new novel, Lone Star Legend. Already did? Well, buy a few more for your friends, then. :)
Thursday, September 14, 2006
I am Susannah Sugarbaker.I just mean that lately I'm so fat and old and past the glory days when I won prizes for throwing an on-fire baton into the air, on stage at the Miss Peach Cobbler pageant.
And yet I still get as dramatic and hysterical as a young, pretty girl is given the right to be. Like this morning, I wanted to wear a new dress, but then I put it on and saw that it showed cleavage, like half the tops in my closet do because, hello, you can't be my size and not show cleavage in any normally v-necked item. But last time I wore a dress that showed cleavage, one of my (older, female) coworkers said my dress was so pretty, all I needed was a scarf to cover my cleavage.
Oh, my word. Breasts on display. We mustn't tempt the men, now, no, no, no.
And I'm being hypocritical now, because in the past I've written ugly words about women who come to work dressed sexily, wondering what they're trying to pull. And, yet, at the same time, I feel unfaired-upon, as if I should be allowed to go ahead and show my boob overspillage, seeing as how I would never use it to get promoted, anyway.
But still. First I put on the new dress, then I became angry at the thought of not being free to wear my new dress. Then I put on a new blouse and found that it showed cleavage, too. Same with the blouse after that, even though I wear that one to work all the time. After that, we got into Needs Ironing territory. Then I said, "Screw this," and put the new dress on again. Then, right before it was time for me to leave without being late, I changed into an old dress that was completely cleavage-free. Annoyed but inoffensive, deprived but safe, I went to work whistling a merry, merry tune.
(Never mind that, no matter how early I leave the house, I can't get to work earlier than 8 AM. If I leave thirty minutes early in the hopes of having time to buy a lox bagel for breakfast, you can count on some stupid bastard having a wreck on the freeway right in front of me, undoubtedly as a result of two stupid people talking on their cells and not paying attention.)
So then I get to work and proceed to have quiet panic attacks about any number of non-work-related things, including the way I look and the goals I'm not acheiving and, yes, of course, how fat I've gotten.
And only Susannah Sugarbaker is so fat, yet worries so much about how she looks, and wears so much eye makeup in order to attempt to strike a balance. And I wish I wasn't that way, except when I go home to Major Dad, who is very nice to me and helps me to stop worrying.
Except that I'm blonde now. Did I saw that? My hair has become short and blonde. So I don't exactly look like Delta Burke, after all. Also, if I were her, I wouldn't put my name on such a cheap lingerie line. But sometimes I feel like her, when I put dark eyeliner on my big, old body in the morning.
It's almost Halloween.
What are you going to be? I might be Red Riding Hood, if I'm anything at all. I might stay home that weekend and be myself so I don't have to worry about cajoling any babysitters. Either way, though, I'll stand in my doorway and pass out candy on Halloween night. I'm excited about that. I haven't been able to do that in years.
I want to visit France.
I want to go someplace where the people care about food. It would be a nice break from a place where you have to drive 20 miles to get a lox bagel. Unless...
Fellow Houstonians, most of y'all have guessed which suburb I moved to. Tell me, if you know and if you please, where I can get a bagel with lox, out here where I'm at.
Labels: vanity
10:38 AM #Comments:
*outpouring of non-threatening affection*# posted by
Marigoldie : 10:58 AM
Suzanne Sugarbaker started making a lot more sense to me after I turned 30.
I'm in Houston and I have to admit I cannot figure out where you moved, not even which direction. But it makes me sad that you can't find a bagel with lox there!
# posted by
Lisa : 11:29 AM
I can only imagine the challenges of having cleavage. When I wear a v-neck there's just a lot of empty space.
# posted by
Jessebel : 11:32 AM
Ah yesss...France....the last time I was there, uh, wait a sec, I've never been there before in my life.
But I know that they take their enjoyment of food very seriously. I think this fits in with what people like us believe in: that we live to eat and not just eat to live. Where else is everyone required to take a long two or three hour lunch break just to relax and enjoy great cuisine and wine with your fellow neighbors and friends?
You should go!
# posted by
Datty : 3:58 PM
the larger I become, the more unwanted out of control cleavage I have. I purchased three dresses over the summer that all need their wrap-necklines tacked down by a tailor. because i find myself hanging out of one side or the other, completely oblivious. someone took a picture of me and I was like "what's that pink object? OH." I think I need a turtleneck brassiere.
# posted by
pinky pinkerson : 11:23 PM
I can relate to this too. Right now I am wearing a shirt where the gaps in the buttons in front widen if I move the wrong way. When I wear things like that I feel annoyed as hell. As well as when I wear things that may make me think I look slimmer but really they are uncomfortable and put me in a foul mood for that reason.
Once when I was in London I saw this shop that had clothes for "Big Boobed Women". Can't remember its name but I wish they had them here.
# posted by
splooshyc : 10:03 AM
I'm in Houston too and I have no idea where you moved.
# posted by
tracey : 5:30 PM
Hi Gwen,
I can definately relate! Shh, don't tell anyone but I'm 40DDD.
I have just a few botton down tops because these tops tend to pop--open at the wrong times, or just gap a big open--O--saying oops can you see my bra? I hope not, but they of course can!
Then you get the attention, gee this guy is really likes to talk to me, h-mm--I wonder why? Then I look down--crap! Clevage again!
I wear a lot of steatchy tops, and I know it's not a cure but it helps.
On the bagles, can you toast your own to munch on, on the way to work? And I have no idea what a lox Is.
Janice~
# posted by
Janice : 12:48 AM
In Louisville, Herman's deli has bagels and lox. It's actually sort of in the suburbs, which will suite me until I can move into a neighborhood. Houston? I have no idea.
# posted by
yournamehere : 11:54 PM
Marigoldie: :)
Lisa: Oops I gave her the wrong name. Doh.
Jessebel: I'd said something about how you were missing out on rude stares and catty comments, but then my comment got eaten...
Datty: Oh, I will go. Some day.
Pinky: Turtleneck brassiere! Ha!!
Splooshyc: Yes. Or clothes that start off good in the morning, but gape by the afternoon, worst of all.
Tracey: Oh. Then you are not one of the several people who emailed me to tell me that you lived here and you figured it out. Please consider yourself exempt from the lox bagel challenge, and thank you for reading my blog and making Houston awesome with your citizenship.
Janice: You know what's up. Lox is... kind of like raw salmon, I think. Or maybe it's smoked? They put it on a toasted bagel with cream cheese, capers, and purple onions. It's good, but I'm way too lazy to go through that much trouble. So I leave it to the professionals.
Yourname: Dude, I haven't checked on you since you took a mini hiatus. Let me go check now.
# posted by
Gwen : 2:26 PM
It’s smoked salmon. And it’s delicious.
# posted by
queen of the harpies : 8:07 PM
Jeesh Gwen whatchoo complaining about you silly crazy woman you? Cleavage spilling over is like omg so IN right now.
At least at my job it seems like it is.
*snarfle*
It is indeed the ONLY part of gaining weight that I like.
# posted by
pixielyn : 9:08 PM
oh and PS you know that you are so loved even if I personally hate lox. I still love you.
# posted by
pixielyn : 9:09 PM
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