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Friday, August 25, 2006
Welcome, Bitter Asian Men

A while back, my boyfriend and I met an Asian author and bought the book he was selling, which dealt with his issues with ethnicity. Afterwards, the author and I emailed a few times, and he asked me questions about how I came to be dating an Asian man, and if I found Asian men in general attractive, and other stuff along those lines. So I wrote him a pretty long response, via email. And then he posted it on his blog.

I wasn't sharing state secrets or anything. But, at the same time, if I had known my words were going to be public, I would have organized them more coherently, and written a little less informally, probably. But, oh well. No harm, no foul.

Now, however, I see that my words are being reproduced on other sites. Specifically, sites dedicated to Asian men seeking sex with Caucasian women.

So, because of that, and for all new visitors who may come to this site seeking hot, slutty Caucasian blondes to sleep with, I now present:

Gwen's Advice for Asian Men Who Want to Date Caucasian Women

Woo hoo! Interracial dating! Ow!!!

Disclaimer: I have no business speaking for anyone but myself. I can't tell you what people of other races, or even other people of my own race, are thinking. However, I have a tiny bit of experience, and keenly honed observational powers, not to mention opinions I have no problem expressing in a very loud voice. So take everything I say with a grain of salt. Take it, bitch! Just kidding. Okay.

If we're being honest with ourselves, we Americans know that there are certain inter-ethnic dating combinations that are less common than others here in our US of A. First, Asian men with Caucasian women. You don't see that often, do you? Yes, you do see Asian women with white men all the time, but not the other way around. Hmm. Another atypical combo, for example, is African-American women with white men, even though you often see the opposite. Hmm. And, if you really think about it, I'm sure you can come up with other combos that you hardly ever see.

I'm not going to attempt to discuss why these combinations are atypical. because I'm a lover, not a sociologist. However, from people I've talked to and things I've read, I've realized that there are many Caucasian women who would really like to date Asian men, and vice versa. And yet, somehow, they aren't hooking up as much as it seems like they could be. So my purpose in this blog entry is to facilitate romance between these groups. If you can apply my advice to other inter-ethnic dating dilemmas, even better.

1. Keep your blue-eyed, big-breasted blonde fetish to yourself.

If you came to me and said, "Gwen, I find Caucasian women attractive, and I've met some I'd like to date, but I'm afraid deeply ingrained American social biases are against me," then I would be willing to help you.

But if you came to me and said, "Gwen, I want to date a blonde, blue-eyed woman with big tits, because I drive a Mercedes and therefore I deserve it," then I would tell you to get the hell out of my face. I would tell you to keep your shallow, objectifying thoughts inside your own head, preferably while it's out of my sight. No one wants to hear anyone objectifying people and then whining about it.

"Why can't I date a blonde with big boobs?"

"Why can't I meet a handsome man who makes a hundred thousand dollars a year?"

"Why can't I attract thin, pasty vampires with green eyes?"

Because you're a shallow dumb ass who doesn't see other people as human beings. That's why.

2. Remember that you can't read other people's minds.
(Unless you can, in which case you don't need my advice.)

Do you try to read other people's minds? Do you tell yourself their side of the conversation before you even have a conversation? Example: There's a nice-looking person of another ethnicity standing at a bar. You think, "I want to talk to that person, but I already know that pop culture has convinced her that a person of my ethnicity isn't worth dating. So I'm not even going to try."

Even sadder example: You're standing at a bar and a nice-looking person of another ethnicity walks up and starts a conversation with you. You think, "If this person were of my ethnicity, I'd think she was hitting on me. But I know, through years of conditioning by pop culture, that people of her ethnicity never hit on people of my ethnicity. Therefore, I will stand here looking uncomfortable until Ashton Kutcher pops out and yells 'Punked!'"

How do you know what other people are thinking, before you even meet them? You don't. If you won't even try to hit on people, and you won't even give them a chance to try to hit on you, then you are missing opportunities and you have no one to blame for it but yourself.

3. Some people are traumatized by interracial experiences. (Or shy.)

Let's say you've been hanging out with a person of another ethnicity for a while, and you want to date him/her. Let's say he/she doesn't seem to be attracted to you, but is friendly. So you suspect (hope?) that he/she wants you but is reluctant to say so because of interracial trauma and trepidation.

That's when you have to be brave and say something. Not hint something, not allude to something - but say what you want.

"So... would you like to go out some time?"

"I like you. In that way. Do you like me, too? Circle one." [Hand him/her the paper that says YES and NO.]

"Can we have sex? Because I would really like to."

"Can we get involved in a long-term relationship that ends up in me emotionally blackmailing you into buying me an engagement ring you can't afford? Because I think that would be fun."

Be honest. Come right out with it. If they say yes, awesome! If they say no - ouch. Man, that's going to hurt your feelings. It's going to be humiliating. But you know what? That's how it is with your own ethnicity too, right? No one likes getting rejected, but don't let race stop you from even trying.

4. Some people are racist.

Some people, unfortunately, won't want to date you, even if you're smart, funny, sexy, and awesome, because of the color of your skin. And you know what? Fuck them.

Not literally, though. I mean, forget them. They're losers. Or, you know, they're just not into people with your skin color. Just like other people aren't into people who make as much money as you, or who wear the clothing size that you do, or whatever. And, hey, that's their loss, isn't it? Move on. Find someone better. Some day we'll all be mixed except for the racist people, and our genes will be stronger than theirs, and they will die off and be forgotten. Or not. But, either way, don't waste your time with people who aren't into you, and don't let those experiences make you feel bad about yourself.

5. Hang out with cool people who hang out with cool people.

You say you want to date outside your own ethnicity, but do you socialize with people outside your own ethnicity? If I'm purple and you're green, and you only hang out with green people, why would I think you'd want to date me? (I'd think it's because you have a weird purple sex fetish, actually.)

People who are already of mixed ethnicity are more likely to date outside their own ethnicity, I'd imagine. Ethnically mixed groups of friends are more likely to introduce you to lots of different kinds of people. And then, best of all, when you do hook up with someone outside your own ethnicity, your multicultural friends will be less likely to bat an eye at it.

6. Actually...

Now that I'm looking back over this advice, I'm seeing that a lot of it could also apply to non-interracial dating. So, there you go. Just treat everyone like a human being, and you should be okay.

Go find love. Or sex. Good luck. You're welcome.

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9:29 PM #

Comments:

 Hi Gwen,

Good advice! I see where your coming from and I think it's all good!

I have mentioned it before that I'm white (an all American white mutt) and my husband is Mexican. My husband dated a white young lady before me, and I think he was attactive to white women.

But the funny thing is we heard more negativity about our relationship from his side of the family then mine.

You married a white girl? Why? Your own race not good enough for you?

My family never did said that. All they wanted to know was, "what race is he", then they left us alone about it.

His family don't say anthing anymore, and I think it's because there is more white people marring into their family now.

Hey, I guess I broke them all in, didn't I?

Janice~


# posted by Blogger Janice : 3:07 AM  

 You're the best, Gwen.

I always wondered if this was why it took my boyfriend ten dates (!) to kiss me. He said he wasn't sure if I actually wanted to date him or just be friends. After ten dates! Sheesh! Guys: don't let this happen to you. Go for it already.

As a white girl madly in love with an Asian guy, but who previously never pictured herself with anything but a white guy my advice to everyone is: You may think you have a "type" but having a "type" is probably the best way to limit your chances of happiness. If you're eliminating (or including) people based solely on something as arbitrary as hair color or eye shape you're just fucking yourself over in the long run.


# posted by Blogger Jessebel : 11:07 AM  

 You know me, I have to break it down to something kinkier. I think that other races are more open and attracted to dominant women. I was never really attracted to white guys or Mexicans because I always ended up with that culturally ingrained "the man is the head of the church and house and gets to smack you around when you piss him off" crap.

Black guys and Asians are my thing because they're all "anything it takes to get you on top of me, sexy lady" and that's just hot. And that's why I think it's hard for an Asian guy to come on to a white girl, because they're dealing with that "what if my penis is too small for her" thing. And why it's so easy for Black men to get a white woman because they walk into the conversation knowing that the white woman thinks he has a big dick.

So, if I could just add one more tip from those of us who know, black guys don't always have the biggest dicks and Asians more often than not, do not disappoint. Go get 'em, ladies!


# posted by Blogger Tiffany : 10:10 AM  

 This post has been removed by a blog administrator.


# posted by Blogger Tiffany : 10:11 AM  

 oh my.

uh ok.

I just love people. I never thought to look to just one type, color, race or anything like that. I ended up marrying outside my race but not becasue I was or wasnt looking for that type. It just happened.

I'm sad to hear though Gwen about the author you were writing to posting the conversation/email response on his blog. This shocks me because it seems to me that emails are still private letters. Private pieces of conversation. And then after all that angst for you to see it on sites relating to seeking multicultural sex is even more sad. Has the author said anything in apology?
Its a good lesson for me, I hope I'm more careful in the future....... I write lots of stuff in emails and just think of it as private.


# posted by Blogger pixielyn : 12:49 PM  

 (Trying again - first comment got eaten.)

Janice: Haters come in all colors, it seems. But I'm glad his family got over it.

Jessebel: Thanks. I loved your story. After the 10 dates, did you end up having to make the first move?

Beverly: I knew I could count on you to say the things I couldn't say. If I hear "Does he have a tiny eggroll?" or similar jokes one more time, I'm just going to pull down Tad's pants and let them judge for themselves.

Pixie: I hear you. It's good to love people regardless of how they look. At the same time, though, I think it's okay to admit that you may be more attracted to some characteristics than to others. Like, for instance, I rarely date people who don't have black/dark brown hair. Can't help it, that's just what I'm into.

And, yes, I agree with you that the author guy breached netiquette in a very lame way. I told him so, but he never replied. Some people just don't teach their kids Internet manners, I guess.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 1:18 PM  

 I love your concept of "Some day we'll all be mixed except for the racist people, and our genes will be stronger than theirs, and they will die off and be forgotten."

Isn't that's the whole point of evolution? Weeding out the undesireable traits?


# posted by Blogger shrinking indigo : 1:52 PM  

 Indigo: Yes, I believe it is.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 2:05 PM  

 Oh Gwen,

Girl..you always perk up my day . I guess you could refer to myself and the spousal unit as bleery eyed optimists because we have a different view that I'd like to share :

1. The only race that matters is the human race . I am not so silly to think that this will solve all the ills of the world , but for us it is the base line.

2. The SU and I see 2 kinds of people..you are either an idiot or you are not. If you are..move on..have a nice day yada yada. IF you are not an idiot..lets go grab a beverage and talk...about what ever.

It seems to work out most of the time.

Still toiling in 2A


# posted by Blogger Boschka : 2:58 PM  

 Why, yes, I did have to make the first move. But thankfully, things progressed pretty swiftly after that. (You know, after I had convinced myself he was either secretly gay or I wasn't as cute as I thought I was).

I just wanted to pipe in and say I think there's really a lot to the idea that "some day we'll all be mixed". (Actually, I learned from my genetics and evolution course, we all already are, some of us just don't know it. Also, scientifically speaking, race does not exist.) I may be way too idealistic and naive but to me it seems that the more common inter-whatever relationships become the less common inter-whatever strife is gonna be. After all, it's very difficult to hate people for what they are when they are your family. (I should know, my dad's a Republican.) I mean the difference between Irish and Italian used to be a big deal, but now, nobody cares. Does that make sense?

I also have also been noticing a lot lately how nearly everything in our society from advertising to government seems to be set up on the assumption that everybody sticks to their own for dating, marriage, etc. It's not really offensive, because I know it's still the norm, but it would be nice to see more mixed couples of all sorts represented.


# posted by Blogger Jessebel : 3:50 PM  

 I like brunettes and am not attracted to blondes. Does that make me a "blonde racist?" I think not. Being attracted to one race over another race because of the color of their skin does not make you a racist. It's just a personal preference. I would much rather own a black car as opposed to a red car. It doesn't make me an automobile bigot, does it?


# posted by Blogger Datty : 12:10 AM  

 Exactly!! But thats weird I dont have a preference. Hmmmmmmm. Ok I do prefer to be with clean people who dont smell. My preference is very simple. Oh! and I do not prefer to be with people who drive El Caminos.
I guess I was way too freakin easy. heh.
But the truth is I'm facinated with them all because My mother is dark haired with blue eyes and my Father is blond with hazel eyes. Skin color doesnt matter to me but perhaps very very hairy men would matter if I was back in the dating pool. Hmmmm interesting pondering you made me do. I dont think its wrong to have preference as long as its preference and not psuedo preference based on cultural expectations!!!


# posted by Blogger pixielyn : 8:50 AM  

 Dude who published your email (that's not cool) is seriously wordy.


# posted by Blogger pinky pinkerson : 11:47 AM  

 When all the races blend together, everyone will be Filipino.


# posted by Blogger NemesisVex : 4:09 PM  

 Boschka: :) I totally agree with you... as far as *friends* go, there are only two races: Jerks, and Cool People. However, as far as *sexiness* goes, I can only be attracted to whom I'm attracted.

Jessebel: (I thought Tad was gay for a while, too.) And - I'm like you. I always think about how Irish and Italian peoples used to consider themselves so very, very different. And now they merge at will.

Datty: Sometimes I think you are an automobile bigot, though. You're prejudiced against cheap cars. Why is that?

Pixie: You said, "not psuedo preference based on cultural expectations." I think that's the crux of it right there. You said it all. Racist people will lie to themselves about what is attractive, because they want to hate based on race.

Pinky: 'Cause he's edumacated, I guess.

Nemesis Vex: Right?!!? Filipino or Samoan. My bf and I always say that advertisers use Filipinos and Samoans in ads so that every person on Earth will look at them and think, "Oh, and there's one of my people!"


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 4:37 PM  

 Gwen, you are the awesomest of awesomeness.

Here is a funny story that is TRUE: A while ago I was part of a team that was developing a new media property for kids, with a group of multicultural magical heroines. There was some discussion about what the race/coloring of the five would be -- and there was one character who was originally going to be the "asian one" but then for various reasons couldn't be asian after all. But everyone liked her slanty-eyed, willowy design so much that no-one wanted to change her features, even though she couldn't be asian anymore.

"How about we keep the slanty eyes and black hair, but give her brown skin... and call her Filipino?" the boss suggested.

(We almost did that, but in the end they decided that it'd be too confusing to have a "latina" character and a "filipino" character in the same group, so she ended up being a randomly slanty-eyed blonde.)


# posted by Blogger Calista : 10:34 PM  

 Hi Gwen,

I am one of those Asian men stumple upon your blog site from reading "sites dedicated to Asian men seeking sex with Caucasian women."

Very nice article, I've sat here and thought about how to response for over 20 minutes before I started typing this.

Most asians are brought up in families of very strict rules, rules from the 50's and 60's. The parents (generally poorly educated first generation immigrants) have a different mind set of their own. Asian men were brought up to only concentrate on school work, get a good job, make good money. They (parents) say, everything will fall together if you have those 3.

Are we more shy than other race men? No, I don't think so. However, there is a barrier there. Looking back at my life, when I was still a teen, I have no idea why I could not talk to any girls at all (fear of rejection, to me was a failure.) Failure was unacceptable in asian culture. It was better to avoid than to fail.

If you ever see any of the asian shows (TV shows, not movies). Asian men are generally "beta" portraited , they can kick ass in everything, but then when they see a girl, they don't know what to say, or how to act.

Rest assure, we are hooking up with more non-asian girls everyday. As more of my non-asian friends like asian women, we'll take more non-asians girls from them.

We can't change generations of cultural restrictions and influences within a week, but we will expand our limited minds just alittle more everyday, until one day we are free from the box. Even today, my parents tell me, stop dating white girls. Find an asian girl. Open minded girls like you are what we are looking for.

"I don't get rejected, I am there to find out if she has good taste in men."


# posted by Blogger AznEagle : 6:25 PM  

 This is an interesting topic. I live in Australia, and like in America, there are roughly 10 times the number of couples that are asian female, white male, than the other way around.

I am white, and date a gorgeous asian male. I've never used colour as a way to determine who i chose to be with, so its hard for me to imagine being so shallow as to knock someone back because they aren't your same race. Especially if they are perfect for you in every other way.

In fact, I believe there is as much racism towards us white girls as there is towards asian males. A lot of asian males won't date white females because they don't feel comforable bringing us home to their parents. Even in my case, where my partner comes from an extremely open minded family, his grandma still told him he should be with an asian girl, not a white one. My parents on the other hand were cool with it from the start.

I don't appreciate the website: www.bitterasianmen.com because it is rife with untrue generalisations. Sure there are idiot racist losers out there, but there are also a whole lot of really genuine people who don't use race to determine their potential partners. Bitter Asian Male should stop looking for blondes with big boobs and start looking for genuine girls instead - regardless of their race.

Finally, I have many asian male friends and only a few of them are interested in white girls. I think the ratio is product of the attitudes on both sides and Bitter Asian Male's pathetic rant that seems to blame white guys, white girls and everyone else in the world is just a bunch of rubbish.


# posted by Blogger nikkidee : 4:17 AM  

 Wow, you have a lot more patience than me towards Bitter Asian Men, though I'm Asian, I don't consider these ones my fellow countrymen...or of fellow ancestry, because after reading the site, I conclude that they couldn't get dates because they are all boring assholes; losers. Their articles indicate that they view women as commodities they are entitled to a piece of, it's disgusting.

It's also funny how they used a picture of Bruce Lee, in their article of, Asian Girls...stabbing them in the back. Bruce Lee is Chinese, but he does have a grandfather of German ancestry!

...as for Jet Li, I've been avoiding his movies, because I had worried that he would be a bastardization of Bruce Lee, the way Jackie Chan was. Bruce Lee was charming and respectful in his movies. Jackie Chan, in his movies and in real life, is a womanizer, in one movie I tried to watch where he was a lawyer adventurer, Jackie Chan's character defended the rape of a night club hostress because of her occupation, and then throughout the movie he treated the woman he was courting like a fool.

When I saw "The One", I was impressed, Jet Li's non-evil character, was smart and sweet and just adorably sexy, he loves his wife and his wife loves him. Oh, his wife happens to be white. His character wasn't interesting in the traditional sense, but I love how sweet he is. As much as possible, a man should strive to be sweet and interesting, but if he couldn't be both, he should at least make sure that he's interesting and talented enough to make up for his being an asshole, or he's sweet enough to made up for not being a dazzle of adventure.

Asian guys ARE getting laid, , getting into good relationships, just not the losers whining about the pound of flesh that they are 'owed'. ...and frankly, I'm glad, those people don't deserve to breed. Those people are why China is going the way of the Babylon, and if they don't think of women as persons, they could die alone.

- Georgia Lam, HK-Torontonian


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 10:22 AM  

 this is a late response, but there has been an actual study done on this.

http://faculty.chicagogsb.edu/emir.kamenica/documents/racialPreferences.pdf

a very technical but telling quote.
(read the last line) - in bold - emphasis added.

We first look at the decisions of female subjects. For all races except Asians, all the
coefficients on the race indicator variables are negative, implying a same race preference.
For black and white subjects, these coefficients are jointly significant (p-value<0.01); for
Hispanics, the joint significance is at the 10 percent level, with most of the effect derived
from a significant (p<0.05) preference against Asian males. For Asian subjects, no
coefficient is individually significant, nor are they jointly so. Finally, we can reject the
hypothesis of equal preference against partners of other races for white, black, and
Hispanic subjects, owing largely to the greater preference against Asian males by all other
races.


It isnt an imagined thing. And this population was not ill educated, poor backwoods people in West Virgina. It was graduate students at Columbia University.

So, I dont think this is an imagined issue. And one which I would love to see more formal study done about.


# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 8:31 AM  

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