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Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Hair Tips and Tricks

People keep asking me if I changed my hair color. "What'd you do," they say. "It looks nice!"

The answer is that I've been letting my roots grow out for the past month. It's time to get my roots done. After that, maybe I'll paint them with mascara so people will still like my hair.

Things I Could Be Doing with My Life If I Weren't Busy Doing Insurance by Day and Writing by Night

1. Go-go dancer by night, writer by day

I would have to lose weight, first, then buy a bunch of outfits from Frederick's of Hollywood. Then, I'd have to find a babysitter, or else get my boss to let my kids sit in the VIP lounge with their PSPs and some snacks. I probably wouldn't get paid much, but I'd get free drinks and free cover. And, presumably, all the free drinking would inspire me to write more, and I'd get paid more for that than I do now.

2. Craft store owner by day, writer by night

I would own a little store in a strip mall in the suburbs where I'd sell stuff I made and stuff I imported from Taiwan. In the back room, I'd sell slightly racier stuff, sort of like Spencer, but not as cheesy. I probably wouldn't make much money at all from the store itself - I'd probably spend most of my time there watching kids intent on shoplifting. But it would be a good tax write-off against the things I'd sell on eBay. Also, it would give me a place to write.

3. Rock star famous in Japan, six months per year

We would tour six months out of the year, then spend the other half of the year at home, goofing off. (Or maybe I'd do some writing.) I'd only want to be famous in Japan, and not here, so that I wouldn't be able to read rude things that people said about me online.

Maybe, when my kids got older, they could join the band and we'd be like the modern-day, non-sucky Partridge Family. I'd have to hire tutors for them in the meantime, though. How did the Partridge kids get their schoolwork done? I don't remember.

4. Writer by day, phone sex operator by night

I always thought I'd make a really good phone sex operator. I'm good at making up stories on the fly, and I have lots of experience with psychos so I'd be able to figure out their psychoses really quickly. Plus, it would give me tons of material. Plus, hello - working from home. However, I hear that really doesn't pay a lot unless you own your own 976 line. Plus, I'm not sure I could resist the impulse to stop every few minutes and yell at my kids. "You take my stiletto pump and lovingly fill it with cinnamon applesauce, then plunge your - Dammit, Josh, I told you not to put reds in with whites!"

5. Opera singer six months per year

I've always wanted to be an opera singer, kind of. When you're an opera singer, it's okay to be a little fat. In fact, people expect it. Seriously, if I had to go back and live my life over again, I'd probably start studying opera from about 6 years of age, instead of wasting all that time singing along to Deborah Harry and Olivia Newton John, which, as you see, got me nothing.

6. Writer by day, housewife by day and night

I would let my husband pay the bills and use my book advances to fund our vacations and expensive bath products and such. But, this time, I'd be smart enough not to marry a controlling bastard who hated on everything I ever tried to do.

Actually, strike that one. I just remembered forty-six reasons I don't want to get married, ever again.

I could go on, but I won't. There's no use. I'm already so incredibly happy doing insurance by day and writing by night that it would seem ungrateful to continue thinking up other things to be. And gosh knows I'm not ungrateful.

What could you be doing if you weren't doing what you're doing? Tell me in the comments.

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9:47 AM #

Comments:

 I would own a shop. A shop that sells beautiful and fun and funny things for your home. Things that you don't need but that you realize you can't live without. And I would be my own boss. And I would love that.

And after December 2008, when I get permanent residency in the UK, I am totally going to find a way to make that happen.


# posted by Blogger Alice : 12:09 PM  

 Voice acting for cartoons. I didn't even have to think about that.


# posted by Blogger Lisa : 12:29 PM  

 I would make short documentary films for public television. They would be profiles of eccentric Southerners or in some way shine a loving light on the strange, unknown charms of the South.

Or I would teach creative writing to abused or at-risk kids.

Or I would be a cartoonist.

Whatever it is that I’d do, I’d end up saying that this career changed my life—that it was exactly what I am supposed to be doing.


# posted by Blogger Marigoldie : 12:51 PM  

 I would want to be a multifacetic dancer. I would dance, ballet, jazz, modern, latin, ballroom, and ballet folklorico (Mexico). I would be dancing for big stars in concert, TV presentations, ballroom competitions, and just in clubs.
So, Gwen, What's your phone # so you can practice phone sex?


# posted by Blogger Carlos Valenzuela : 12:52 PM  

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# posted by Blogger Gwen : 1:40 PM  

 Alice: Are you a Canadian woman already living in the UK? Is that you?

Lisa: Do you ever read pamie.com? She did or does do that for a day job.

Marigoldie: I was listening to NPR the other day and they profiled some British guy who tried to make a documentary about the unusualness of the South, called "Searching for the One-Eyed Jesus." But I don't think they liked him much because a lot of his film was scripted, he admitted.

Carlos: Do you do any dancing at all anymore? Also, you need to stop writing the flirty things. You're not good at it. It always makes me either laugh or feel ill. This time, I felt ill.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 1:45 PM  

 i would be a student during most of the day and a housewife the rest of the time. this would be ideal for me, i think. it will never happen.


# posted by Blogger curvature : 3:58 PM  

 I would go to law school and be a constitutional attorney and try to change all the things I hate about the world.

Isn't that boring? But it's what I've always wanted to do.


# posted by Blogger kate : 4:34 PM  

 I've already decided that if I ever become independently wealthy and don't *have* to work, I'm going to become a pastry chef, just because I like to bake so much. Okay, a pastry chef/chocolatier.

I tried the phone sex thing for a while. It was actually kind of fun, but you don't make jack for money working for someone else. I did it the same time that my gf did, but we each only lasted ten days.


# posted by Blogger Marchelle : 7:49 PM  

 Hi Gwen,

I'm actually doing no. 6 the house wife/writer one, but the only writing I'm really getting done is on my blog.

My husband use to be controling, but gave it up as too much work and too boring. So now he lets me do all the hard work managing and controling everything. . . so that's probably why I'm not writing so much?

Oh darn, I didn't think of that till just now.

I think that being at a job you hate so much is will keep you writing/dreaming, so you have a way out of it!

So--Keep writing and keep dreaming!

Janice~


# posted by Blogger Janice : 1:53 AM  

 Now would you be a J-rock star? Because then you could go visual kei and have 12-year-old girls hang out in parks dressed like you.


# posted by Blogger NemesisVex : 11:06 AM  

 OK, I'll behave!


# posted by Blogger Carlos Valenzuela : 4:58 PM  

 I would be an independantly wealthy single woman who volunteered for worthy organizations and no one knew I was wealthy, I would live modestly in a modest house but would be able to stay home and be able to have fun and do what ever fun thing I wanted to do with my son when he's not at school. Being single and wealthy would allow me to have some freedom, peace and fun for my own soul. I'd go out every morning and have starbucks coffee and one of their big square coffee cakes and not worry my husband might not love me because my thighs resemble coffee cakes. I would go EVERY SINGLE DAY to visit friends and bring them presents. I would go to the book store and Stay ALL DAY and not worry that I was late to work or late to cook.
oh gosh............... I could go on and on...........Gwen you started something when you encouraged me to have a fantasy or two........... *snicker*


# posted by Blogger pixielyn : 8:57 AM  

 P.S. I'm too sucky of a dancer for #1, I need alcohol to even relax enough to not look like a pogo stick out on the dance floor.

#2 Why not a book store? and I can see you totally working a little shop.
#3 You 'd be AWESOME at.

#4 My god you crack me up!!!!
that is TOTALLY how it would go down.

#5 You love to sing so do #3 instead so you can wear cooler clothes than an opera singer does

#6 Just dream to win the lottery and have bf move in and then you can have the housewife feeling with no obligations to feel subserviant. You were ahouseprisoner Gwen, not a housewife. Being a housewife is not the miserable job that you experienced. It is a GOOD thing.
Being a partner with someone through life doesnt mean you have to loose who you are.
Besides all this; do they still call dancers "go-go" dancers??


# posted by Blogger pixielyn : 9:06 AM  

 I would do something involving my crocheting. Maybe blackmail the folks at the DIY network so that they have a crocheting alternative to Knitty Gritty. Or having a totally cool yarn store. Or offer lessons. Or sell my designs at outrageous prices. Or write a book with goth/punk patterns.


# posted by Blogger jo-hanna : 10:09 AM  

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# posted by Blogger SJP Blogger : 9:52 PM  

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