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I'll be reading Growing Up with Tamales for story time at Blue Willow Bookshop, in Houston, on Thursday morning, May 15. Tell everyone you know with kids in the Houston area. How do you find and support local indie book stores like Blue Willow? By going to Booksense.

On Saturday, May 17, I'll be in Dallas, reading and signing at the J. Erik Jonsson Central Library, for the 13th Dallas Children’s Book Fair & Literary Festival.

On June 22, here in Houston, I'm going to do a poetry workshop. It's free and open to the public, y'all, and they're having one every Sunday in June, taught by local poets I love and respect. So come on down.

Thursday, August 10, 2006
Discoveries

I found a real good way to motivate yourself to diet. Buy a bathroom with mirrors on every wall. That way, you can see yourself from every single angle. I promise, if you're fat, then doing that will inspire you to stop eating forever. Or, at least, you'll come home after a night of frolicking, see yourself in all the mirrors, then ask your boyfriend one of the questions that boyfriends around the world love most. "Why didn't you tell me I looked this fat?" (The answer? "Because then you would have broken up with me." No, here's the real answer. "Because, to me, you looked beautiful." No - the real, real answer is "Jesus Christ, quit hating on yourself." Right?)

I also discovered a good way to make your morning commute stress-free. It's called: Allergy medicine! Take 24-hour, non-drowsy allergy medicine, turn on a good CD, and you won't give a damn how long it takes you to get to work, how much gasoline you're using, or how badly your new, newly installed speakers are buzzing in the rear dash of your car. Hooray for allergy medicine - the guilt-free mind-altering substance!

Back to the Weight Thing

My gynecologist made me mad the other day when I went to visit her and she said, paraphrased, in summary:
"I don't know why you're having two periods a month or why your birth control pills are no longer fixing that, but have you tried losing weight? I know you're busy, but I'm busy, too, and I manage never to eat out. I eat grilled chicken breast with parmesan every day. You could also try skipping lunch. Have you tried skipping lunch yet?"

All fat people in America with any kind of health insurance already know everything I'm going to say, but I'll say it anyway.

1. Yes, I know I'm overweight. Hello - I live in America. I shop at the mall. I have a bathroom with mirrors all over the walls. You think I need you to tell me I'm overweight?

2. I'll try to lose weight if you try to find out why the hell I'm having two periods a month, okay? I'm pretty sure the solution to that isn't "eat grilled chicken breast with parmesan every night of your life."

3. If you're naturally skinny, please don't give me your diet advice. I mean, yes, I'm a realist and I know that if I ate a single chicken breast for dinner, a cup of plain yogurt with walnuts for breakfast, and nothing for lunch, every single day - then, yes, sure, I would lose weight. I know that. I mean, I'd probably also have a low-blood-sugar-induced panic attack by 11 AM, and end up either jumping out the window or slipping into a diabetic coma, but that would be okay, I guess, as long as I lost weight. But, my point is that, in general, I don't want to hear what naturally skinny people suggest. Because they're usually telling me stuff like, "Be like me - I only put a little butter on my toast instead of gobs and gobs of it. And I only eat one donut instead of a whole dozen. And I only eat cake twice a week." And I'm like, "Bitch, I wish I could eat a piece of toast without gaining weight, much less toast with butter, and I haven't eaten a donut or a piece of cake in two years. Shut the fuck up." Because it's the assumption that gets me, you know. Like, if a naturally skinny person can eat cake twice a week, it naturally follows that fat people must be eating cake 24/7, right? No. Not right. That's not the case. I fucking wish it was. You know why I've gained twenty pounds net over the past year? Because I was tired of not eating bread.

In all candor, I know that I wouldn't have this problem if I hadn't eaten so much cake and donuts years ago. Back when I was 19 or 20, and first gained 150 pounds over my high-school weight. Then, six years ago, I lost 95 of that. Ever since then, I've been struggling like a bastard to keep that down. Right at this moment, I'm losing the struggle. Time for the yoyo to go back the other way. But my point is, naturally skinny people are in a whole other world from people like me. I'm at the point where I have to diet in order to maintain my weight. There's no mountain of cake here. Just a mountain of fat that doesn't want to go away.

And, anyway, I already know what's going to happen, because it happened six months ago. I'm going to diet because being this fat makes me sad. I'm going to lose twenty pounds. I'm going to wear nice clothes. I'm going to go to work, where creepy men will tell me I look nice. I'll go to clubs and strangers will accidentally-on-purpose touch my breasts and ass. I'll be creeped out. I'll wonder why I'm starving myself in order for creepy men to find me attractive. I'll say "Fuck this" and eat a piece of bread. I'll gain twenty pounds. Repeat until dead.

Not that I'm saying that creepy perverted men are a good excuse not to starve oneself. I'm just saying.

Whenever we watch Project Runway, I see previews for that show about the personal trainer. The main chick, Jackie (?) interests me because she seems very ambitious and committed to what she does. And I admire that. Sometimes I wish I had a day job that involved copious exercise, so that it would be my job to stay thin. But then again, thank God I don't. Sometimes I just want to be happy, instead.

The starvation diet commenced three days ago. I will starve until I can look at all the bathroom mirrors without feeling sad. In the meantime, if any pervert says, "Hi, Gwen. You look nice today," I'm just going to tell him, "Fuck you."

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8:38 AM #

Comments:

 Forgot to say: I'm going to see an endocrinologist next month. Not because I think I have a gland problem that's making me fat, but because I want to find out why I'm having two periods a month. Also, I'm hoping he can tell me whether or not I have ovarian cancer. Because, at this point, if I go back to my gyno and ask her to check me for cancer, my insurance won't pay for it. Because I work for a privately (and greedily) owned company, and our benefits just got decreased again, and our HEALTH INSURANCE SUCKS ASS. But as long as the assholes in the hall think I look nice, of course, that's okay.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 8:50 AM  

 Ah Jesus, Gwen! I can't believe your fucking doctor told you to SKIP MEALS to lose weight. That's, you know, not healthy. Can you get a new doctor? If not, then I'm sorry you have to put up with that shit.

I totally hear you on the bad attention you get when you lose weight. I think that's a theme that more people should explore when trying to understand body issues. Maybe people don't WANT unsolicited "compliments" and leers and bad touch, and maybe we subconsciously try to avoid those things by putting on a few pounds to hide from it.


# posted by Blogger Carrie Ann : 9:02 AM  

 Wait!! Did your doc not mention that you could have fibroids? Reason I am saying this is, it happened to me. Sounds like a shitty holier-than-thou doctor to me.
Please be good to yourself. You don't deserve to be emotionally battered every time you feel hungry, look in the mirror, etc. We live in a very strange society, and I believe that when women can stop obsessing about our bodies we will find ourselves losing weight.
Have you ever read the
Margaret Cho "f*ck it" diet? Recommended!:

http://www.margaretcho.net/blog/fuckitdiet.htm


# posted by Blogger splooshyc : 9:37 AM  

 OMG Gwen please tell me that was totally your sarcastic sense of humor about the doc telling you to eat chicken breast and skip meals every day!!!
Omg.
ok heres the real deal and it aint gonna be pretty;
YOU HAVE TO ESCERSIZE.
Period.
Take it from a well cushioned person of short stature.
If you arent gorging on donuts, cake and bread and eating every meal at Town and Country Buffet and are well cushioned, then you need to excersize to get the ol' motabolizm moving.
*sigh*
sorry hun but thats the gods honest truth about our female body after the age of 25.
I pretty much have realized that diets work for like about 3 months and then I give up. I just eat what I want in moderation and excersize daily now and its working better for me.
BTW have you had your thyroid levels checked?


# posted by Blogger pixielyn : 9:40 AM  

 Did I just make all those spelling errors? my bad. Chaulk it up to not enough coffee.....
sorry.


# posted by Blogger pixielyn : 9:41 AM  

 Carrie Ann: Thank you. Yeah, I'm going to a different doctor to see what they tell me. And I agree with you so much that leers and bad touching and unsolicited personal comments are a huge bosy issue in our society that people tend to ignore.

Splooshyc: I agree with you. Actually, it seemed like she was just having a shitty day because she's normally good... or maybe the sight of me being fatter just grossed her out and made her give up on treating me? I asked her if she thought I might have PCOS, and she said there was no use doing the ultrasound for it since the results were usually inconclusive. Like, WTF?

I have to say, though, that I don't hate myself for being fat. I like myself very much, no matter how fat I get. It's just other people's attitudes about my body that piss me off. I want to be pretty for me, despite other people's fucked-up motivations for pressuring me to be pretty. So don't worry. :) xo.

Pixie: No, I wasn't kidding. She suggested skipping meals.

I know, you're right - I have to exercise. I'm going to start with Dance Dance Revolution and work my way up from that.

And, yes, I'm going to have my thyroid checked, see my first comment above. :)


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 10:01 AM  

 You may not skip meals. Go see Steven Petak, my endocrinologist. You may have what I have -- Syndrom X or insulin resistance which will give you type II diabetes. There is help.

Unfortunately if I would exercise it would help more. I have gained weight because I ate like a horse during the bar and the weeks of studying, but I am back at the gym. I hate every fucking moment of it.

As for the gyno--Sam Law. He is great. Just saw him for the floodgates bursting every 28 days--new pill to help with migraines and flow.

You may not skip meals. You can however, eat smaller and more meals a day, watch the fat food--esp. transfat--my favorite form--nothing that comes in see through plastic, more protein because it keeps you from being as hungry, don't wait too long between meals because I will eat my food, my fork, spoon, and plate.

Don't let the bad food in the house. Then you can't eat it. I love cookies. I lost alot of weight and kept it off for quite a while going to the gym and I hate that and by eating three meals and two snack like meals. Salad, water, salad water.

Ovarian cancer? Don't fuck around. We will figure out how to pay for the CA 125 test if the insurance won't pay. Fuckers. Does it run in the family? Do you have the other markers? Bloat, gastro issues, ?

Yes, I have the older momma kitty to this boy. I haven't had her uterus removed but if you want her I will do it. We are too full up on kitties now.

Also, on the weight issue, it helps to write about it, but just slowly start walking in the evening. Don't make a big fuss because you put too much pressure on yourself. My husband is up to 370 and is going in for bariatric through the grace of a good friend with tons of money. Our insurance won't pay.

I really care about your well being and I feel your doctor's judgmental comments like she hurled them at me! There are other doctors, but not if your insurance won't pay. Skipping meals? What an idiot.

Do you have type II? Are you checking your blood sugar before and after meals?


# posted by Blogger Texas Jaye : 10:47 AM  

 Jaye: Hey! Your endocrinologist is in the same office as mine! I'm going to see Keith Smith, and paying out-of-pocket for it. You're right - this is not a time to mess around. I want to find out exactly what's going on because ovarian cancer has occurred in my family.

My blood sugar is 101. As it said on my test results, "You either don't have diabetes, or else you are controlling your sugar intake so well that it's undetectable." I strongly suspect it's the latter. That's the next thing I want to have checked. But first the endo.

We will walk. We were getting really good with the walking each night, before my kids went to their dad's for the summer, but of course I completely dropped it without them. Now we will start again.

Thank you for caring, btw.

Sometimes I think having the kids around forces me to live better. You know? Their presence forces me to create better routines.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 11:39 AM  

 Wow -- just wow! Skip meals? Jesus, that's healthy.

I was having my period like clockwork every two weeks -- turned out the birth control I was on was screwing up my hormones in a big way; we switched me to the Nuvaring (love it!) and everything's back to normal.

Exercise is the key, I think. At least, it is for me. We adopted a full-grown dog about six months ago, and having to take him for a walk/run every day (he's a BIG dog and sleeps all day while we're at work)has finally forced some order on my exercise schedule. And for the first time in YEARS, I am actually seeing results. I haven't actually lost any *weight* but suddenly a couple of months ago, my clothes started fitting a hell of a lot better, and I was suddenly able to run a lot farther.


# posted by Blogger jam : 1:09 PM  

 That's really irritating, that your doctor would say that. Everyone knows that skipping meals is stupid unhealthy.

I've been walking to and from work (7 miles, almost!) sort of to lose weight, sort of to be healthy, sort of to avoid the subway. I realize that's sort of an insanely long walk, but I agree with everyone else that exercise is the way to go. And if you can find something you like, like walking around the new hood with the kids or dancing or whatever, it can be fun. Going to the gym is boring and time consuming.

My personal opinion is that if your eating habits are normal and healthy, then a diet won't work. Because all you're doing is starving yourself, and restricting yourself, and developing a crappy, guilty relationship to food, and it can't possibly last. I mean, seriously, what are you going to do? Never eat bread again? What kind of a life is that?

Anyway, sorry to go on. I just feel so strongly about it. I just think diets suck and being hungry sucks.


# posted by Blogger kate : 2:35 PM  

 Hi Gwen,

Skipping meals will not help! That Doctor was out of her freaking mind. Actually you need to eat!

I'm heavy I believe I'm heavy because I use to skip meals and starve myself.

I thought the heack with it! Diets don't work! So I started eating anything I want including chocolate, and guess what? I lost weight! But the way it works is you eat like four meals a day, and stop eating when you feel close to being full.

No kidding it works!

Also you are painting or going to be painting soon? Painting is real good exercise! It works your arms and back. Go for it! Paint your Entire house! And it works better than the gymn!

Janice~


# posted by Blogger Janice : 12:22 AM  

 Gwen!!! I was in the same boat as you and finally went to my OB/GYN and she had my insulin levels tested - I know you've mentioned that you have PCOS - you could have the insulin resistant type that I have! GYN put me on Glucophage/Metformin (a diabetic drug to regulate insulin/blood sugar levels) and I FINALLY stopped gaining weight!

I totally feel your pain - ask your mean, mean GYN (or better, get a different one!) to order an insulin resistance blood test - three hours of sheer agony - but totally worth it if it's going to stop the weight gain. Good luck!!!


# posted by Blogger Jackie : 11:40 AM  

 Hi Gwen,

Me again!

I just remembered that when I first started taking the birth control pill years ago--it gave me two periods too!

It the damn pill not you!
Good luck!

Janice~


# posted by Blogger Janice : 3:08 AM  

 OMG the whole weight thing. Jeeze.

I lost about 40 lbs a couple years ago when my husband and I separated, going from 165 to 125. I am 5'9" and have a large frame. I was depressed and just didn't feel like eating, plus I went to the gym 3x a week when it was his turn to have our daughter. I looked like I had AIDS, but guess what? EVERYONE kept telling me how good I looked. They were so impressed that I went from a size 14 to a size 2 that they couldn't see how bad I looked. It also made me look much older. Happily, I have gained back about 20 lbs and now find that I also have to "diet" just to maintain. No breads, sweets, etc. (Ironically, those same friends now say, "Oh you look SO much better, you were too skinny."

I used to not believe that weight was genetic, which was easy for me to say b/c I come from a long line of skinny people. BUT my husband's side has a lot of obesity. My beautiful awesome daughter started gaining weight at age 4 or 5 and I know damn well she doesn't eat any more than her skinny pals eat. She is now 14 and a size 14/16 and it's a constant struggle to keep her confidence and spirits up, with all the pressure to be skinny. I try to instill the "be as healthy as you can and accept your body" philosophy at our house, but then I get these panic attacks that I'm too fat and that's a bad example for her.

I guess my weight gain is more because of age (I'm 47), because skipping meals DOES work for me. If I cut my daily calories in half I can go down a pant size in about 2 weeks. Of course, then I get crabby and miserable. It's the age-old dilemma: "fat and happy" or "skinny and miserable?" Ya think there might be something in-between??

I agree with other posts about ditching the doctor and not messing around with your health!


# posted by Blogger Tanya : 1:20 PM  

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