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Thursday, May 18, 2006
Two Fat Piggies

I.

Houston pigeons are getting fatter and fatter. I used to say that they crapped on my boyfriend's car and not on mine because they know that I'm an animal lover and he's the opposite of an animal lover. But then, this morning, outside Einstein Brothers Bagels, my son Josh was dismayed to see pigeon poop splash onto our Altima's windshield. We looked up. Curled in the C of a nail salon's sign was a fat, fat pigeon, beaking his mites and dripping poop on my car.

"You fat, fat pigeon!" I cried.

I don't like to talk to pigeons like that, normally, but this one was just pathetic. I just know his bowels were running from the remnants of a bucket of KFC that he probably cannibalistically scarfed down. And bleached white flour. And refined sugar. And high fructose corn syrup. And maltitose, and that stuff in the fat-free potato chips that causes diarrhea.

Fat pigeons! Save yourselves! Fly away to France!

II.

We went to my latest fave restaurant for lunch. They have a bowl of fruit by the door and encourage you to take a piece as you leave.

I took a pear, meaning to save it for a 3 PM snack.

I ate it as soon as I got back to my desk.

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1:31 PM #

Comments:

 Hi Gwen,

You should see the pigeons at Monterey, they are huge! Not just fat, but big and tall too. Maybe it's all that exercise they get fight the coatal wind, with all the extra caleries from scarfing down fish and chips.

Janice~


# posted by Blogger Janice : 2:33 AM  

 a) you are hilarious; and b) what's your new fave restaurant?


# posted by Blogger lauralark : 7:57 AM  

 My boyfriend wants me to post a correction, y'all. He is NOT the opposite of an animal lover, he says. Possum traps in his trunk nonwithstanding. Just because he threatened to break up with me if I ever got a cat... Well, that was a long time ago. He has changed. My bad.

Janice: Maybe it's the steroids in the beef they eat?

Laura: a) Thanks; and b) not that it's *new*... but I'm currently semi-obsessed with Baba Yega, on Missouri and Grant.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 9:29 AM  

 I've always thought feeding balloon bread to birds was animal abuse in the extreme. Teaching children to do this is horrible. When birds leave droppings that look too much like human poo.....there's something wrong. And have you noticed how violent they get over that white bread? They're carb addicts. ;-)


# posted by Blogger Zeut : 1:53 PM  

 You out-of-control glutton, eating a pear!


# posted by Blogger tina : 5:21 PM  

 It strikes me as unlikely that you yelled "fat" both those times, Gwen.

Admit it. There were other F words.


# posted by Blogger Mike : 4:51 PM  

 Zeut: Right! Did I already tell y'all about the grackles taking Sweet N Lows from local restaurants? They're little junkies for that shit.

Tina: :)

Mike: Your in-depth knowledge of my ways sometimes scares me.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 9:16 PM  

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