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Guess what. I'm gonna be on Road Trip Nation! Thanks to the Unknown Reader who recommended my blog to her friend Camilla. Unknown Reader, I enjoyed meeting your friend!

Sneak preview of upcoming novel.

Monday, March 27, 2006
I Suspected the People Downstairs Were Drug Dealers

But now I suspect it for sure.

My only evidence, before, was that they partied all night and slept all day, and fill their hedges with cigarette butts and Jack Daniels bottles. All this, and no evidence of jobs.

Today, however, I went home for lunch and witnessed a semi-harrowing scene. A burly gentleman banged on the Downstairs Neighbor's patio door, yelling, "Open up, motherfucker. I know you're in there. Wake the fuck up!" Meanwhile, a small sidekick gentleman with an Oakley knit cap sat in one of the patio chairs, giggling helplessly to himself.

Downstairs Neighbor came out, looking sad. Inaudible words were exchanged. Then the burly gentleman said, "Yeah, you better. You're a waste of my fucking space, you asshole. A WASTE OF MY FUCKING SPACE."

And then he and his sidekick peeled out, throwing menacing glances over their shoulders. I had the feeling that, if they hadn't caught a glimpse of me catching a glimpse of them, they, as mid-level drug dealers, might have given Downstairs Neighbor (aka Low-Level Drug Dealer) a quick, well deserved roughing up. In the parking garage, my suspicions that these gentlemen were mid-level drug dealers were confirmed by the fact that they drove a tasteful white Mercedes.

Now, I'm not saying that my experience is extensive. And, as a writer, I think we all know that I like to exaggerate and embellish upon any experience that I do have. So, with that understood, I'll now present to you...

Gwen's Guide for Discerning Drug Dealers and Their Levels

Low-Level Drug Dealers:

Mid-Level Drug Dealers:

And, finally, the Top-Level Drug Dealers of each metropolitan region:

Okay. That's all I have. That, and the fact that I don't mind drug dealers as long as they keep to themselves and let me keep to myself, you know? And don't talk to my kids. Although, so far they never have. I guess my kids don't look like they're crafty enough to steal or rich enough to have an allowance.

I kind of wished the Mercedes Crew had roughed up Downstairs Neighbor while I watched, because Downstairs Neighbor and his cohorts keep us all up at night. I bet if Mercedes Man had started beating the crap out of Downstairs Neighbor right there on the patio, all the other neighbors would have come out to cheer him on.

Meanwhile, Here Is a Gall-Bladder(-less) Update

Several alert readers warned me furtively, in e-private, of changes I could expect in my digestion after the removal of my gall bladder. Now, as a public service, I will impart those changes to you.

Before the gall bladder surgery, I could go to the "handicap stall" of the "Ladies'" here at work and read Loving Cal by Miss Rebecca Walker, in its entirety, within three unsuccessful visits.

Now, I no longer have time to read Loving Cal.

I don't even have time to flip through the water-marked Soap Opera Digest, should I ever become desperate enough to do that, so that I could mentally remark on the fact that the cast members of The Young and the Restless still look the same age as they did when I first saw them twenty-two years ago.

That sounds like a bad thing, but it's not. It stops just short of being a bad thing.

On the other hand... I worry about Rebecca Walker, because Loving Cal's cover price is only $1.98. Assuming she gets 10% royalties, that's only 19.8 cents per book. How can she live on that much?

Maybe she has a day job in the insurance industry. If so, she must be ecstatically happy. Therefore, I will quit worrying about her and get back to work.

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1:13 PM #

Comments:

 Are you recovered enough to enjoy the fatty foods yet? Too bad you can't get a Sonic Frito pie to test the waters..ahem...so to speak.


# posted by Blogger White Trasherati : 3:05 PM  

 You should narc on those low level drug dealers. I would. If you ever see those bullying dealers again, just tell them that the ones who live below you frequent their patio during the hours people normally sleep -- so if they plan on attacking, that would be the best time to do so. And tell them that you have an extra baseball bat if they forget theirs.


# posted by Blogger Datty : 3:30 PM  

 Oh yeah...that is SO true about the bathroom time factor....happend to me too...I totally forgot about that!

It's much better, in my opinion, then hours of fruitless trips :)

so happy you are healing well!!

your faithful reader :)


# posted by Blogger Karisa : 1:35 PM  

 Hope your recovery continues to go well! I enjoy your site.


# posted by Blogger Lady M : 12:15 AM  

 What the heck... White Trasherati, I wrote you a long reply about my aborted attempt to get some Frito pie and chili dogs and chili fries, but it has disappeared into the ether. Maybe it was too long.

Datty: I think you're right.

Karisa: Word up. Although now there is another romance novel in the Handicap and I don't have an excuse to read it... Okay, no more TMI on that front...

Lady M: Thank you!


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 3:18 PM  

 Nice to know you are done with your surgery, on the road to recovery and back to your feisty, witty self.


# posted by Blogger Vicki : 10:51 AM  

 Thanks, Vicki.

PS, y'all, for the record: my friend Brie says my experience of drug dealers is sorely outdated.

Also, crystal meth is often sold by skinheads. I forgot to put that on my list.


# posted by Blogger Gwen : 3:43 PM  

 LOL Gwen you totally crack me up.

But be care ful. You so dont want to attract attention to yourself and get the mid level drug dealers all thinking you are noticing that they havent made it to top level yet and get up in your face.
Yikes.

Glad to hear your recovery is going well.


# posted by Blogger pixielyn : 8:50 AM  

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