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Friday, February 24, 2006
How to Survive White Trash Hell on New Year's Evean illustrated story by Gwen
When Tad told me that the gang wanted to attend a New Year's Eve event sponsored by a particular local radio station, I was skeptical.
"I don't know," I said. "I'm worried that, if it's sponsored by that radio station, it might not be... you know. Nice."
"No, baby, it'll be fine," he assured me. "It's black tie optional." Then he coughed, and muttered under his breath, "Or you can wear togas, or lingerie, but the guys want to go because it's open bar."
"What's that, sweetie? I didn't catch that last part," I said.
"I said, we should go to the mall this weekend and buy you a nice dress." And the subject was promptly changed.
This was the picture I wanted to use to show y'all how I looked on New Year's Eve.
But my boyfriend said not to, so I'm using this one, instead:
I think I look nice.
When our group met up in the line for the event, all our female members immediately shared with each other the fear that, being sponsored by this particular local radio station, the party might not be quite as... elegant... as we were hoping. As we were dressed for, I should say.
All too soon, we discovered that our fears were well founded. Because, while our group had chosen to dress like this:
... other attendees had chosen to dress like this:
Let me rephrase. While we had chosen to dress like this:
... other people had gone with the option of dressing like this:
No, seriously. I don't think you're getting it. I'm trying to tell you that there were people there dressed like this:
You see the situation clearly now, do you not? Yes, not, I'm sure that you do.
And I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with dressing like that. In public, on New Year's Eve. No, because I don't judge. All I'm saying is that, if I had known that 70% of the attendees would be dressed like that, I might have left my good rhinestones at home.
The women in our group felt many emotions at that point. Now that it was too late to get a refund for our tickets... Now that we'd spent several hours getting ready for the evening... Now that we had not yet gotten our money's worth from this beer-sponsored, Linkin-Park-cover-band-ridden event... I'm not going to say that the main emotion was disappointment, and I'm not going to say that the chief sentiment was "Mike is never, ever picking the place for New Year's Eve again." I'm just going to let you imagine how you would have felt at that point, if you were us. And I bet you can imagine it well.
Obviously, there was only one thing to do.
And once we did that, we thought of a few other ways to pass the time until the 1 AM buffet.
Such as, for instance, cursing our fates...
Catching up with friends...
Coming up with new variations on the classic devil-horn photographic pose...
Dancing our troubles away...
Getting to know young ladies seated near our party...
In more than one sense...
Or, in my case, stealing Cyra's camera and using it to photograph myself with strangers.
It's easier than you'd imagine. Especially after everyone involved has had a beer. Here's the key: Don't ask the strangers to pose with you.
Just put your arm around their shoulders, and hold up the camera.
And, instinctively, they will look into it and smile. Voila! (Or else, they'll look down at your boobs.) (Voila!)
Sometimes, they will kiss you. Whether you realize it or not. Whether you're absorbed with doing your "Sailor Moon fingers plus prominent tongue" pose or not, and whether you remember it the next morning or not. But don't worry - you'll have the photo, so you can treasure the moment forever, either way.
One guy's group of friends caught on to what I was doing, and they gathered around me. "He thinks you're hot," one of them screamed, pointing at the one guy and then at me, in order to facilitate his point.
"I am hot," I agreed.
"No... He thinks you're hot!" the guy's friend screamed. A little louder, so I'd understand.
"I am hot," I screamed back, in case he'd missed my point.
"No... Our friend thinks..."
Finally, I realized what they were trying to tell me. They wanted me to take a picture of myself with their friend, and then post it on my blog. Okie dokie, guys. Here you go:
I have to admit that, in that photo, their friend was totally right. And so, although I'd felt insecure earlier in the evening, with this man's approval of my appearance, my life had suddenly become complete.
All too soon, however, the new-found fun was over. As the clock struck midnight, like magic, heated misunderstandings broke out in the ladies' room. Like a beautiful rainbow, some guy didn't appreciate Richard trying to make out with his wife. Like fairy dust sparkling on gurgling streams, vomit emerged from partygoers' mouths.
It was time to go home. And so we did, with designated driver intact. And as we rode down the city streets, with Richard lying wrapped in a tablecloth across the laps of everyone in the back seat, our hearts welcomed all the potential of 2006. And we promised ourselves, through laughter mingled with tears, that next New Year's Eve, we'd stay home. 11:29 PM #
Comments:
Long time reader, first time commenter. Gwen, you crack my shit up. That was simply spectacular. And that guy was totally right - you really did you look hot.# posted by
Jen : 12:44 AM
Thank you. You're very sweet.
(You read while I was still editing, Jen. For bonus fun, hit Refresh and read again!)
# posted by
Gwen : 12:49 AM
HEE. Great pictures. And, I'm sure it was a New Year's Eve you'll never, EVER forget.
# posted by
tina : 4:35 AM
My favorite is the girl in lingerie and stockings. Who doesn't even need cellulite or extra pounds to look horrifying from behind and make you totally embarassed for her.
I find that oddly comforting.
# posted by
Wendy : 8:49 AM
That butt looked familure. Did she go to the Reniassance feastible?
Janice~
# posted by
Janice : 2:34 AM
I'm trying to figure out the disconnect -- like, how can you and your pals dress in totally lovely party attire, ranging from suits to pretty dresses to cool button-down shirts with cool jeans while the other guests went for thongs and thigh-high stocking? Was there an advertised dress suggestion like "Sensible folks, put on your sharpest party clothes. The rest of you yokels, let it all hang out"?
# posted by
Jasmine : 4:53 PM
I'm trying to figure out the disconnect -- like, how can you and your pals dress in totally lovely party attire, ranging from suits to pretty dresses to cool button-down shirts with cool jeans while the other guests went for thongs and thigh-high stocking? Was there an advertised dress suggestion like "Sensible folks, put on your sharpest party clothes. The rest of you yokels, let it all hang out"?
# posted by
Jasmine : 4:54 PM
Tina: Totally.
Wendy: I know. Jennifer Anniston could have worn that there and looked bad.
Janice: Wouldn't doubt it.
Jasmine: It was the "BLT" party, meaning Black Tie/Lingerie/Toga. As a group, we figured that no one would pay $80 for a ticket and then show up in lingerie or a toga. We thought maybe the radio station staff would be dressed that way, but no one else. But we were wrong. So were the few others who dressed up. Some of them came, saw, and left. Some of them looked so sad, but obviously didn't want to leave and then be nowhere for NYE. (Like us.) One older guy showed up in his full military regalia, and his wife had a little tiara. They left within seconds.
# posted by
Gwen : 7:34 PM
PS: I suspect that one of our guys (the one in jeans) DID know that lots of women would show up in underwear, and that's why he was the driving force by the supposition that it *wouldn't* be that way. If you get my drift.
# posted by
Gwen : 7:36 PM
I have never heard of this BLT Party that you speak of.
This is how Texans roll, isn't it?
# posted by
Mike : 8:39 PM
Sweet jeebus!! I need a shower after reading that. At least you got a great story out of the whole thing.
# posted by
CJ : 7:43 AM
You have to admire the ass-hanging-out girl for having NO shame. I don't think I would be comfortable walking around my bedroom like that forget about a public party. It seems like naked is far more flattering then hey, here's an outline of my butt.
# posted by
kate : 8:06 AM
LOL Kate. heh.
Gwen! You just wrote the funniest little party story. How redicules was THAT. Never heard of that kind of party.
But girl! You pulled it off and had so much fun being miserable. heh. That was the funnest thing to read and look at, thanks for keeping your promise and telling us the whooooooooooollleee story about NYE.
(But that butt girl must be an ice princess to be able to not care about walking around with a frame around her large tail muscles.)
# posted by
pixielyn : 9:42 AM
Gwen! whether you are up or down, you look great - you have a very nice shape. Which makes me understand the things that you've written about people hassling you since, well, forever. people are so annoying.
I have been invited to a "lingerie or less" party. I am pushing maximum density right now, and look like hell in pretty much anything but pajamas. So I might just wear pajamas. when the invite arrived, I just sighed.
# posted by
pinky pinkerson : 12:17 PM
Don't remind me of that night!! WE ARE STAYING IN NEXT YEAR FOR NYE. That party was the last straw!
# posted by
MissCathee : 10:53 PM
You CRACK me up as usual! Too funny!
# posted by
ShoeGirl : 11:22 PM
Gwen...yuppers..that is some funny shit...the first thing that popped into my mind was " Moby and Matthews ...nah,,Stevens and Pruitt"
And yes,,you looked fab ..totally fab
Still slaving away at 2 Allen Center
# posted by
Boschka : 11:59 AM
It's me..."Lady" Dot. Wish I could have been part of your gang on New Year's as it sounds like ya'll put the party into the party. Obviously, the gal with the butt has been a favorite among your readers. FYI - my 5-year-old saw the pic and said, "Momma, that lady's panties crawled up her butt. She needs to pick them out!"
SYBF, Dot
# posted by
dot... : 9:45 PM
You are the new hottness! Did I ever tell you about our new year's party that featured a flaming Christmas tree? Nah, never mind.
# posted by
emjaybee : 9:56 PM
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