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Thursday, February 23, 2006
Expressions of Love, Part One: When a Man Loves a Woman (and Her Scarf)The other day
No... First I have to tell you something, so you understand this anecdote.
I get really freaked out when people stare at me. Probably because I'm a little insecure. Partially, I'm sure, because I grew up in a subculture where staring is considered not just rude, but an invitation to a fist fight. Maybe, partially, because I inherited part of my mom's extreme tendency in this regard. As I've mentioned before, she's paranoid schizophrenic. So, who knows, maybe hearing her say stuff like, "That man keeps staring at us. I think he wants to kill us!" affected my young psyche just a little, before she went to live somewhere else. Who knows?
The point is, I dislike it when strangers stare. A lot. But I've been trying to get over it. My boyfriend helps, with his good example, logical guidance, and willingness to be my boyfriend despite my flaws.
The other day he and I were at Bed Bath & Bourgeousie. I didn't want to be there in the first place, but there we were, and it was very cold for Houston that day (39 F), and I had on my warmest coat (black suede trench) and a scarf made of balls of brown rabbit fur that match my hair. (It was a gift. (A very warm gift.))
So we walk in and, right off the bat, these three baseball-cap-wearing-type men in their forties start with the looking. One of them in particular let his looking become a full-blown stare.
I said nothing, but I had to think up all the possible reasons he might be staring. Because I must do that. That is my nature. Here are the possible reasons I came up with:
1. Interracial relationship. People gotta stare. Some people have never seen or even imagined a Caucasian woman with an Asian man before.
2. He thought I was ugly.
3. He thought I was pretty.
4. He thought I looked like somebody he knew.
5. He thought I was overdressed for the weather. Some people can take the cold. Some people can't. He obviously could, but maybe he'd never before seen a person who couldn't.
6. Maybe...
I couldn't take it anymore. "That guy stared at me," I said to Tad.
"Probably because he thinks you're hot," said Tad.
"No. It wasn't like that."
"Probably the interracial thing."
"Maybe..."
We didn't find what we were looking for, so we turned to leave. The baseball cap men were still there.
"They're gonna stare at me again," I whispered. For some reason, it bugged me a lot. I'm okay now with old ladies and little kids staring, but something about getting stared at by three tall, smile-less men in baseball caps who have nothing better to do than stare at strangers at Bed Bath & Beyond? Unnerving. I glanced at them with my peripheral vision, ready to spin and yell, "What the hell you lookin' at, ese?" while pulling out my imaginary knife, if need be.
As we neared the gauntlet, Tad put his arm around me. The men were arranged so that we had to walk right through them.
As we walked through, Tad held up his left hand, like a bodyguard, and said loudly, "Nobody look at her. Nobody look at her, please!" And then of course they must have looked. Because I must've been a celebrity, in town for the All Star Game, right?
By the time we got to the parking lot, I was laughing my ass off. In the car, I laughed until I coughed, then realized: "I think he was staring at my scarf, actually. Trying to figure out if it was real fur."
Tad, who is a very good mimic, launched into an exact imitation of a Texas redneck. "Yeah. He was like, 'God DAMN. If that was my woman, I'd hunt enough to put a different dead animal around her neck every day.'"
I giggled. I wish you could have seen him, with that voice coming out of his mouth.
Tad went on. "Shit. I'd make that girl a deerskin bikini."
And from now on, when people stare, I'll imagine that's what they're thinking. Some people just want to show you love with dead animals.
And some people show you love by being silly in order to make you feel better. And if that, in turn, shows you how silly you've been, then it's okay, because it's done with love.
Labels: my sex life, psychobabble, stories
2:59 PM #Comments:
Gwen, will you hate me if I admit that I'm a huge stare-er? Especially at something crazy, but sometimes just at people having a conversation, because their conversation interests me. I don't mean to, but then I catch myself all slack jawed, staring at some poor person on the subway. I always look away when I get caught or when I remember.My husband trys to help me too, helpfully pointing out how rude it is and when I'm doing it.
# posted by
kate : 4:04 PM
Kate! Don't stare! Only glance!
But, no, I won't hate you. You made me laugh, actually.
# posted by
Gwen : 4:17 PM
Not to hijack your blog or anything, but some one did, once, to my great horror, call me out on it. I was in Payless with my future mother and sister-in-law, and I was staring at some teenage girl trying on shoes for her boyfriend. I didn't mean to, I just found it really captivating, for some reason.
I was in one aisle, and the future in-laws were in the next aisle and all of a sudden the girl started yelling at me, "what are you looking at you pasty bitch?" And I realized that I was must have been staring, and doing so in some sort of judgemental fashion. I didn't defend myself, because I felt so guilty, and also because I didn't want to get into a fight in front of my boyfriend's mother, so I just sort of mumbled an apology and tried to get us all out of there. Only they weren't ready to leave and the girl kept on talking about me, loudly, to anyone who might listen about how I was ugly and I just wished I looked like she did, and no guy as hot as her boyfriend would ever give me the time of day and I think I nearly died of embarrassment.
My mother-in-law never did realize that the girl was talking about me, thank god. And it certainly made me more conscious of my staring problem.
Also, I do know how to spell tries, from the other comment.
# posted by
kate : 6:32 PM
You must hate going to asian restaurants...bc they freaking stare. BAD. It's like when I walk into Tan-Tan...each and everyone person in the restaurant must turn around and stare at me for 10 seconds. Not 5 seconds but 10.
# posted by
MissCathee : 10:56 PM
Let those guys stare all they want. Pretend that you ARE a celebrity, and just know it comes with the price of fame.
Oh, and the thing about the deerskin bikini: it should have the antlers coming out of the sides, as to distinguish it from other deerskin bikinis. That would be nice.
# posted by
Datty : 12:04 AM
Kate: Oh my god. That is completely harrowing. How insane! I'm sorry you had that experience.
I have to say that, even at my most defensive ghetto level, the most I'll do to a starer is tell them, "Hi. How's it going." That usually works. Or else, if *that* doesn't work, I'll say to whoever I'm with, "I wish that person would stop staring at me. It's making me uncomfortable."
Cathee: No, totally. Y'all's people LOVE to stare, and it used to bother me like crazy, but now I'm over it. Shit - ask Tad - I *refused* to go to Pho Saigon for a year after I fell down and sprained my thumb there. Because I literally believed that someone had given me the Ojo (Evil Eye) by staring at me. But then I figured out that Asians don't give the Ojo - only Mexicans do. They just don't think it's rude to stare. I can imagine how people must stare at you, with your hair. You pop star, you.
Datty: But then... she would... be... horny.
There, I said it for you. You're welcome.
# posted by
Gwen : 8:33 AM
Oh Gwen,
I get stared at too! When I'm with my husband it's the inter-racial thing because I'm a short white woman, and my husband is a tall and dark skinned Mexican.
But I've gotten some disturbing ones over my wieght. After my baby was born one JERK actually had the nerve to whisper in my ear "lazy Bitch!" I looked around and thought Oh no you did not! He was smirkig at me from the corner of his eye in a supierior kind of way. My husband walked up right after that with my new born baby in his arms, I took her and then walked by the JERK, and said "SONOFABITCH!" He looked at me then my baby, and I gave him a nod toward my baby. to say; This is why I look like this JERK!
Gwen--people are just stupid and judgemental!
Janice~
# posted by
Janice : 9:49 PM
Oh my god. I'm going to take it farther and say that some people are straight-up PSYCHO. How horrifying, J. That guy needs to burn in hell right now.
(You and your man sound like my mom and dad back in the day. Except my mom was taller than my dad. Which, as you can imagine, also made people stare...)
# posted by
Gwen : 1:15 AM
If you'll pardon my folksy, WWII-generation expression, that Tad's a keeper.
# posted by
Marigoldie : 12:43 PM
Thanks Gwen
# posted by
Janice : 2:28 AM
OMG Another Love Moment in the life of Gwen!!!
Yeah I agree, that Tad sounds like a keeper!!! He's way cute too besides being so pure of heart and a knight in shining armour!! You have had such good pure gold love moments lately, kudos to you!
But! the starers! omg. How awful to endure! I must admit though that I'm a starer. And its awful to get busted at it becuase I honestly dont mean to intrude, I just find people and people interracting so facinating. But its rude and my husband and son really get disgusted at me. Hearing the other side is so embarrassing to me to know that I've made people maybe feel like that.
I'm also a partner in a mixed intercultural marriage and I'm blonde and my husband has jet black hair and tanned color skin against my see through pasty whiteness........I get stared at daily (we even work together!) and after a while you get used to most of it and then the times you get ticked it just helps to STARE BACK AND THEN WINK> this usually makes them look away in consternation. Like wtf was that wink for?? heh.
I so know what you mean by how awkward the whole being stared at for that is. I get ticked by being stared at by the women of my husbands race. It enrages me and I can feel myself get red.
Does it bother Tad as much?
# posted by
pixielyn : 12:33 PM
No, it never bothers Tad. He's un-bother-able. Unlike me, he's very secure and serene.
# posted by
Gwen : 9:25 AM
Wow, Kate...that is horrible. That girl sounds like some insecure lowlife slut. I wouldn't say your "staring problem" gives people the OK to be abusive.
I myself have been accused of having a "staring problem". I've never understood this because I'm a very shy, introspective person. I observe people and I notice things around me but it's not as if I'm constantly staring people down. I notice, however, that people look at ME very often. What is this about?! If I make brief eye contact with a person they accuse me of looking at them. When the truth is that I'm off in my little world and I'm not moticing them. It makes no sense.
# posted by
: 1:25 AM
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