May 3, Houston: The big one -- the Inprint reading -- occurs at the Alley Theatre on Monday, May 3. Do not miss it or you'll be sorry. I'm not kidding -- I'm going to say the craziest, most intellectual yet hilarious stuff I can think of, and I'll be sharing the stage with the ultra sexy Oscar Casares, too.
June 24, Houston: I'm one of the peeps scheduled to read at Poison Pen, at Houston's famous Poison Girl bar. Besides me, everyone there will be ultra, *super* sexy. Come see me and drink!
June 26, Washington, DC: I'll be reading at the American Library Association conference. Come on down.
My other blog: Go read my the Houston Chronicle parenting blog (or my ChronMomBlog, as I like to call it) and make sure my kids won't resent me more than other kids resent their own parents.
Buy my new novel, Lone Star Legend. Already did? Well, buy a few more for your friends, then. :)
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
I could write about bugs all day.Today in the parking garage, Brie and I saw a huge, huge moth. Six or seven inches wide. The kinds you find in Texas and on the islands where such hellish things are bred. (But it didn't chase us or anything, so I was okay.)
At Ming's Cafe, right after that, I saw a tiny moth in the ladies' room.
I'm very superstitious about bugs. When I see them, I think it means something. But I don't always know what it means.
Here's the Bug Superstition Lexicon I've developed so far, from my own experience and intuition:
- Big Roaches: Big roaches - especially flying ones, are bad. If they fly into your hair, it means you're in a bad situation. If they appear on the ceiling above your head, it also means that you're in a bad situation.
- Small or Medium Sized Roaches: These mean that people need to quit leaving crumbs all over the place.
- Earthworms: Earthworms in your soil mean that you're doing good. Earthworms dead or dying on the sidewalk mean that you need to take time to remember how good you have it.
- Snails: Seeing snails hauling their little houses around all slow means that right now, you can't see the future you're working towards. But you should keep working, anyway. Snails sitting still on a wall or a tree mean nothing.
- Slugs: Slugs mean watch your freaking step. Goddamn, I hate slugs.
- Ants: If you see the ants working hard, it means you should follow their example. If the ants are just standing there looking at you, it means you're working hard and should be proud. If they're in your laundry, it means you're sexually attractive on a primal level.
- Big Black Fuzzy Caterpillars Totally Hauling Ass Across the Street Under the Overpass Near My Apartment Complex: These are rare, but it's good if you can see them. It means that you're going to kick ass and take names, whether the idiots around you realize it or not.
- Bees, Wasps and Other Stinging Insects (Except for Mosquitos): When they don't sting you, it means your life's in order. When they do sting you, it means you need to calm the hell down.
- Flies: If there are flies around, why don't you clean your place, you freaking slob?
- Grasshoppers and/or Locusts: These are the spawn of Satan. They don't mean anything - they just show up to bother you, random and evil. (I have this friend who keeps telling me that, in Puerto Rico, they're considered good luck. This is why you should never believe Puerto Ricans, no matter how good-looking they may be.)
- Praying Mantises, Especially Those That Are Waiting for You on Your Car and Won't Fly Away No Matter How Hard You Hit Them with a Rolled-Up Newspaper: These mean "Watch your back."
Okay. That's all I have right now. If anyone knows or can come up with the meanings for moths, beetles, or June bugs, please let me know.
Labels: insects
4:09 PM #Comments:
What about gnats? Same as flies? I hate gnats.# posted by
: 4:39 PM
I like june bugs because they make me think of steamy, sexually repressed adolescent summers. I love beatles, especially dung beatles, because they remind me how resourceful nature is. When I was a kid, I thought I could teach moths to swim. I named them all Peter Pan and my parents fished their dead bodies out of the melted cooler ice when I wasn't watching.
Ants in your laundry also mean you should put your lactated-on shirts directly in the washer instead of the hamper.
# posted by
annie : 7:07 PM
Ewwww... bugs. Phobia! Moi! I just fixed an ant infestation in my house, and let me tell you... between the regular checking of the infested area, and constant online-looking-up-of ant pictures (research, you know), I am totally itchy right now! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
I'm such a wimpy girl.
Anne A.
# posted by
: 7:09 PM
What about mosquitos? You left them out of the 'stinging insects' category. Otherwise, good and useful information as always.
# posted by
Pat : 10:01 PM
If the biggest ant you've ever seen (1.5cm minimum) crawls over you while watching TV, it means that you should maybe move instead of sitting still all damn day. Mosquitos mean you should move somewhere without them. Like England. Or Antarctica. Or buy a goddamn candle.
# posted by
jen : 2:06 AM
June Bugs: If one is flying right at you but veers off at the last moment, it means you've taken a wrong turn somewhere along the line. If one flies at you and hits you, it means you have arrived in the right place at the right time. If you get one stuck in your hair, gross, good luck getting it out without squishing the damned thing or being left with little legs still in there - only to be discovered in the shower the next morning, eeeewwwwoooou.
# posted by
Danielle : 2:38 AM
No one mentioned silverfish or tent worms. The most heinous of them all!
Ok, roaches are pretty damned gross...
tracy
# posted by
: 7:38 AM
Gnats mean your situation has stagnated and you need to call a headhunter so she can find you a better job.
Mosquitos just symbolize the emotional vampires that abound in the world. Don't let one suck you more than once - learn your lesson.
# posted by
Gwen : 8:07 AM
If you live where I live:
Snails: It rained. Step carefully.
Flies: If it's summer, it's life. If it's winter, you're going to have a really bad day. (Just today I had an iridescent green fly sitting on my shirt when I picked it up this morning, that DISAPPEARED INTO NOWHERE, and I had an incident that made today suck hugely.)
Spitfires (these funky, beautiful, soft, furry, rumoured-to-be-poisonous centipede things): Life is beautiful. Take a moment to enjoy the glory of nature.
Spiders: Vary. A redback (venomous, but not lethal) means that non-urban reality is infringing on your urban existence, and you should pay attention to mundane matters more. A huntsman (usually four to six inches across, hairy, non-venomous) means you're going to be freaked out but weirdly fascinated, and also looking for a bucket to entice the thing into to take it outside. Killing huntsmen is bad because they're big (lord, the mess!), and it's bad luck - kill a huntsman, get more bugs. Huntsmen are our giant, hairy, evil-looking eight-legged friends.
And it's bad luck to kill a money spider (eensy, itty, bitty, teeny, non-venomous).
- Rae
# posted by
: 8:12 AM
what about those little black bugs that are always flying about in pairs, are they mating or something? that should be pretty obvious what they might stand for.
and spiders, I absolutely hate those.
stink bugs (I know that's got to be the official name) freak me out
cicadas are cool
bees & wasps!
isn't it great all the happy creatures we get here.
Lexie
Houston, TX
# posted by
: 10:15 AM
I hate those bugs that are always constantly biting on chickens. Wait, what are those called again?
Oh yeah, they're called Cocksuckers.
- DVL
# posted by
: 4:52 PM
Are you friends of Pink Haired Girl, because she and a friend are starting a zine all about bugs.
Here's her site. The item about it is a few days old:
http://www.pinkhairedgirl.com/
I personally LOATHE the creatures (bugs, not pink-haired girls, of course).
# posted by
DeAnn : 9:40 PM
Gawd, I hate bugs, all except earthworms. Earthworms are way to amazing to hate.
I always thought moths were like bats and ravens, bad ominous luck to follow.
And whats with that grey powder dust they leave behind when you whack them? Its like guilt dust you cant get rid of for a long long time!
Lyn
# posted by
: 9:45 PM
No, I'm not friends with Pink Haired Girl. Unless she's one of my friends in real life and she has a web site and a zine about bugs that she never told me about. Thanks for asking, though.
# posted by
Gwen : 5:55 PM
Lyn - good point on the moth dust.
I read a long time ago that every earthworm is male and female, and that they connect like Legos when they get it on. That right there makes them awesome.
# posted by
Gwen : 8:59 AM
AACK! Please don't hit the praying mantises! They eat bugs, and are endangered in parts of the US (I think). Plus, the females eat the males after mating, so that should make them some kind of feminist good luck bug.
# posted by
: 2:45 PM
Post a Comment
