May 3, Houston: The big one -- the Inprint reading -- occurs at the Alley Theatre on Monday, May 3. Do not miss it or you'll be sorry. I'm not kidding -- I'm going to say the craziest, most intellectual yet hilarious stuff I can think of, and I'll be sharing the stage with the ultra sexy Oscar Casares, too.

June 24, Houston: I'm one of the peeps scheduled to read at Poison Pen, at Houston's famous Poison Girl bar. Besides me, everyone there will be ultra, *super* sexy. Come see me and drink!

June 26, Washington, DC: I'll be reading at the American Library Association conference. Come on down.

My other blog: Go read my the Houston Chronicle parenting blog (or my ChronMomBlog, as I like to call it) and make sure my kids won't resent me more than other kids resent their own parents.

Buy my new novel, Lone Star Legend. Already did? Well, buy a few more for your friends, then. :)

Friday, February 14, 2003

interview with myself

Q: What are you doing right now, Gwen?

A: One of my kids is sick, so I'm home with him. Right now I'm typing this post and waiting for these sausages I just cooked to cool down. Then I'm gonna have the sausage, some cheese, and some mustard for breakfast. Then I'm gonna edit these interactive forms I made for work.

Q: Sausage, cheese, and mustard? What kind of breakfast is that?

A: I'm on this diet... the Atkins diet. I'm only eating protein and fat, mostly.

Q: Jesus, Gwen. Are you trying to fuck yourself up?

A: No. I lost...

Q: I mean, that's just nasty. How can you eat that?

A: I lost 70 pounds on this diet two years ago, right around when I left my husband.

Q: Oh, yeah? And how much of that have you gained back since then?

A: About ten or fifteen pounds. But I've lost that in the past month. In January.

Q: Why'd you quit, then, if you were losing so much? Why didn't you actually get skinny?

A: I don't know. Stress. Fear of sexual/romantic entanglements. Inability to afford more new clothes. Food poisoning from a hamburger. I just thought it was a good place to stop and rest for a while.

Q: Huh. Is the sausage all greasy?

A: Yeah, but I just blot it with a napkin. Plus, the mustard helps.

Q: So... what? Now you're ready to be thin again? After all this time? To try to regain the glory of your youth?

A: Yeah. Sure.

Q: What... are you ready for love? Heh.

A: No.

Q: Whatever! You're just trying to lose weight so more guys will hit on you!

A: Yes, that's true.

Q: I knew it! You're finally lonely enough to make a change! Congratulations! Now men will be able to see what they've been missing! So, I guess you're gonna be dating your ass off this summer while your kids are with their dad, huh?

A: No. I'm not going to be dating at all.

Q: Sure you will! You've already lost one size. Just keep going! You'll get there! Stay positive! You'll get skinny and then guys will ask you out. It'll happen!

A: I know it will. I'll get skinny, they'll ask me out, and I'll say no.

Q: What? What the hell are you talking about? Oh, no. Let me guess... you hate men, right? You're gonna teach them a lesson? You want revenge.

A: No, I don't hate anybody. I'm just saying... I'm gonna get skinny, and all these guys are gonna start hitting on me. And I'm not gonna be rude about it. I'm just gonna say, "If you couldn't see my value when I was fat, then you're not gonna see it when I'm thin, so I don't want to mess with you."

Q: But how can you say that? What if it's a guy that never knew you when you were fat?

A: [Shrugs.] It doesn't matter. I can pretty much bet you he wouldn't have asked me out if he had. Will he be asking out other fat chicks when I'm thin? No. He'll be asking me. Because he's shallow. And I'll tell him no.

Q: Yeah, but what if a really nice guy asks you out? And you miss out on something good?

A: Then the really nice guy will be in the same boat I was when I was a really nice person and no one wanted me. He'll get over it like I did.

Q: What... That... That's just... Whatever. That's just really fucked up, Gwen. I didn't realize you were that messed up.

A: [Shrugs.]

Q: You're gonna lose weight out of spite. With an attitude like that, why would anybody want to be with you?

A: [Examines nails. Looks at wall.]

Q: Why even bother, then? Why not just stay fat?

A: I'm doing it for myself. Spite and bitterness are good motivators, yes, but I'm the one doing it. For me. I want the same privileges skinny women have. If I can't control my own body, what will I ever be able to control?

Q: [Snorts derisively.]

A: Besides... I can get way more clothes on way better sale if I'm thin. I don't even want to be what people call thin. I just want to get down to size 12 so I can buy whatever I want. I'm tall -- I'll look bad ass in a size 12. I want to buy a really beautiful, tailored suit... I haven't figured out what color, yet. I'll have to wait and see what's on sale at Foley's...

Q: Hey, just tell me one thing. Is this going to be one of those blogs about weight loss?

A: No. No, it's not. But I can't deny that trying to lose weight is a big part of my life right now. I mean, it's not like I can use this blog to talk about my work.

Q: All right. Whatever. I'll talk to you later.

"feel the Atkins Change"

really funny best of Craigslist list in which people look for love

stole the link above from Six Different Ways

Labels: health, my sex life